Hello there, how are you today? I’m fine and I would like to thank you for taking the time to read this little letter that I published openly on the internet. I would be shocked if you don’t know who I am because I have on numerous occasions ruined my chances of employment with you by referring to your Disney Channel stars as “crack whores” or more professionally known as “Disney Delinquents.” I’ve also referred to you as “pimps that whore out their stars until they cannot whore anymore”. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Feel free to search Disney in the search bar on this site and you will know soon enough. Anyway, I would like to first thank you for keeping me in business by continuing that practice pimpery (you’re welcome for the new word) with anything that you make even a little bit of money on. Props to you and keep doing you.
Anyways, I’m writing this letter to you because I have a slight problem with the abundance of “Frozen” merchandise that is out in the world. While I get that is it a mega successful film, is it really necessary for you have so much merchandise and promotional items for this film that came out like three years ago? Three years is a long time. A lot has happened in three years. You need to move on and just get over the movie. There is plenty of other ways to get those children’s parents money. The “Frozen” short was a clever way for people to see “Cinderella”, which let’s be real- the “Frozen” short was the only reason you got people to see that movie. But in the words of Elsa: Let it Go. It’s time to move on until the sequel comes out, which how’s that going?
You need to cut it out with the dolls, the ride ons, the outfits,etc. Enough is enough. Why haven’t you ran out of items yet? You have got to have be pulling straws now at ideas because how much more “Frozen” merch can you literally throw down our throats? Are you planning a successful line of “Frozen” condoms that look like each of the characters? Dammit, I just gave you another idea.
I’m not saying you don’t have to never ever put out any merch again for the movie, that would be nice but I know that’s not going to happen. Just wait until the sequel comes out. Then you can whore out the murderous Elsa and her sister that she emotionally and physically abused all you want. And don’t say that Elsa didn’t abuse her sister. She refused to building a snowman with her and then literally killed her by freezing her. Just because Elsa has magical tears that heal the freezing, doesn’t mean that it heals the emotional scarring. Would it have killed the bitch to just make a damn snowman or ride her bike around the hall? Anna probably also more mental anguish and multiple personalities because of it. She was talking to freakin’ paintings on the wall! Does she just getaway with this crap just because she’s royalty?
Overall, you just need to chill on “Frozen” because let’s be real, you’ve taken it way too far. It’s just promote the newest movie and stop with the “Frozen” crap. Also, don’t do the same with your “Descendants” movie as well. Your crack whores need a vacation once in a while.
P.S. I’m slightly sorry for the last line as much as you are sorry for giving us “Herbie: Fully Loaded” and “Dog with a Blog.”