In late 2000s, Vampires ruled pop culture. They were literally everywhere and you couldn’t turn on the television without see a commercial for some sort of vampire television show or movie. Where was all this attention when “Buffy the Vampire Slayer?” What caused all this hub bub? Oh, I don’t know-a little series known as “Twilight.” The books became extremely popular which made them think that it would be okay to turn the four books into the five movies. It’s time that I inform you of what exactly this franchise is. Welcome to “Pop Project Explains,” the column where I do what the title says-explain things to you. Let’s dive into what exactly this shit show called “Twilight” is really about. I never read the books because who needs to read books when you can just watch the freakin’ movie.
“Twilight” is pretty much about an emo girl named Bella, who was five years too late on being emo, falling in love with a boy with a super large forehead that emotional and mentally abused her. Big forehead was named Edward. Eddy also wanted to kill her because she smelled good. She also ends up slightly for this nice, attractive boy named Jacob who just want to love her but she just friend zone him because she’s in love with big forehead. Oh, Jake also shows off dem abs all the time. Bella ends up getting into trouble and getting herself into physical harm by being with Edward or trying to prove her love to Edward.
Edward’s family is made up of vegetarian vampires that are posing as siblings that like the idea of incest. What is a vegetarian vampire you ask? Well, it’s the totally opposite of being vegetarian as a human. Instead of eating people, they eat animals. Unless their life is at stake, then they will eat one to save themselves. You’re probably wondering why I’m aren’t making fun of the incestuous back story they use. That is because in 2010, when the movie came out, no one really cared about all the sibling love they were doing. Hell, they only mention it for a split second. The Cullen’s also can miraculous walk in the sunlight. They just chose not to because it’s hard to cover up the fact that they sparkle. What kind of vampire freakin’ sparkles like tinker bell? Apparently the kind that just eat animals because they are “vegetarian.” They can also “fly,” and by that I mean they can jump really high. They’re pretty much sparkly superheroes. Literally, they all have some sort of power. Like wtf? Who are these people and what comic book did they come from?
There are two important morals that “Twilight” provides: Pregnancy will literally kill you and love has no age limits. Edward ends up having very rough sex with Bella on their honeymoon, which get her knocked up with the first human and vampire hybrid baby. When Bella ends up having the baby, it’s like the movie “Carrie.” There’s blood everywhere. Giving birth literally kills her to the point where Eddy turns her into a vampire to save her. The baby ends up being like Benjamin Button but growing older by the second. By the end of the movie, she’s pretty much a small child. Since Bella won’t love Jacob, he ends up printing her newborn daughter as his mate…yeah, that’s a thing. Nothing heals a broken heart by falling in love with a newborn of your first crush.
As you can read, this movie is just one big f*** you to all that is vampires. It also teaches girls to just let boys play with your emotional and always return to them. It’s also taught them that vampire sparkle…we, as a society, are still trying to deal with that shit. The movies aren’t that great..they went from worse and “holy hell, make it stop.” The only redeeming thing about the movie was the epic fight in the end of the series where they pretty much kill everyone off before revealing that it’s all just one big vision. Don’t believe me? Take a look for yourself:
That is literally the best scene in the entire franchise. We can also thank this movie for giving the world Fifty Shades of Grey. So much to thank this movie for and I just want to beat my head off the wall.
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