The truth about Santa Claus

santa

Let’s have a real talk for a moment

It’s getting close to the Christmas and we need to have a moment to reflect on just how motherfucking creepy Santa really is. Like, when you really take a moment to just think about everything, it’s rather messed up. Welcome to another edition of me ruining your childhood. You’re welcome.

So as we all know Santa Claus delivers gifts on Christmas to everyone that hasn’t been naughty, excluding including the kinky naughty. Am I the only one finds all of this fucked up? Like, what gives Santa the privilege to judge you like that? You could be good the entire year but one mistake will cause you to not get anything because he gives the bad one a lump of coal instead of actual gifts. I get the whole not rewarding bad behavior but why would you give bad people rocks. If they are truly bad people, they will use that coal as weapons and actually do more damage. So where’s the logic in that? Oh, Johnny got into fistfights in school so let’s get him a piece of coal so then he can throw it at children’s head.

Let’s also not forget that Santa is just breaking into your home in the middle of the night while you are sleeping. Yeah, not so jolly. Sure you giving you gifts but what’s not stopping him from stealing your valuable or I don’t know, MURDERING YOU IN YOUR SLEEP. It’s kind of like you are giving him milk and cookies as a way of saving your life. Here are some cookies and milk that will give you a stomach ache and make you feel too shitty to kill me and my family. I’m also pretty sure that Santa was a master burglar because breaking into a home with a large sack and not get caught while doing it is a lost art.
The creepiest thing by far that Santa does is when he makes stops in stores. You are sitting on his lap and telling him what you want for Christmas. I’m sorry but I was always taught to not talk to strangers, let alone sit on their lap. Besides, it sounds like the start of a porn scene. If he finds you attractive, you’ll know because his suit leaves little to the imagination if he was to get “too jolly” if you get what I’m saying. Oh, let’s not forget that Santa has a history of seducing mothers. And to top it all off, He’s married! Santa is one horny son a bitch.
I could go on about how fucked up and creepy Santa is but I don’t want to totally bore you to death. You are welcome for the now ruined childhood memories of Santa.
Leave your thoughts in the comments below. Make sure you follow me on Twitter where I will ruin your childhood every day.
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