Listen up fives, a ten is speaking and I’m in the mood for some chaos. Sorry to interrupt, sad breakfast club. No one is leaving and they are certainly are entering the town with pep. Can you really blame them? I wouldn’t want to leave the town with Hiram Lodge in it. Don’t worry your little heads, Riverdale. I’m still here to give you a hot cup of tea that you deserve. It’s not as contiguous like the lies plaguing the town. Welcome to Sweetwater Tea.
It’s a mad mad world
It’s been five long weeks since Daddykins closed the gates into Riverdale. Archiekins is off being a hot metrosexual lumberjack. I wonder if Kevin Keller gave him some tips on surviving the woods. After all, he’s an expert on it. As dem abs settle into his life in the woods, someone decides to commit a felony by injuring 2018 hottest redhaired male. Who would do such a heinous act? It’s not like there’s a bounty on A’s head. With Ronniekins not there to nurse his wounds, poor A began to see dead people. Either I’ll have what he’s having or something bad is coming towards that Archie. Word of the river is that by the time someone got to poor Archiekins, it might have been a little too late. Could Hiram have finally stuck it to A or is he just a casualty of war? But hey, it could have been just a bear…I heard from Kevin Kevin there’s a lot of them in the woods.
The lies Daddykins tells me
Grab your armor, there’s a civil war going on. Veronica Cecilia Lodge has decided to go to war with her father. Daughter like Father, right? You think that Hiram would be proud that V is just a little version of him. But all is fair in love and war. And it’s war when you have something that the DILF wants. And the DILF wants part of Veronica’s money. He plans on getting by any mean necessary. For someone who swears he’s not the Gargoyle King, having a gang of Gargoyles attack Ronniekins’ shipments doesn’t help that cause.
But how does one fight Gargoyles? With serpents, of course. V used her connections with the serpent king to signed them up for the standard Lodge employment plan: cheap labor and protection. Too bad Hiram’s gang wasn’t the thing that Ronnie needs protections for. V was spotted kissing Reggie “douchey abs” Mantle in her place of business. I don’t know what kind of business she is running but sign me up. What would Archie think about Veggie becoming a thing? Oh, wait…
Choni and the Pussycats
The Pussycats are back in town and they have a taste for petty thef, women, and the finer things in life. Too bad they aren’t the ones that sang and swayed behind Josie Mccoy. Cheryl Bombshell and Toni might have long tails and ears for hats but they are teaming up for a little destruction. Besides stealing kisses and jewelry, Cheryl also looks like she is after more. The HBIC is back and she’s looking for her crown. Too bad that she was quickly put in her place by the Serpent King. Does Jughead not realize that hell hath no fury like a Blossoms scorn?
The Betty Cooper Foundation for the Children of the Gargoyle
Like taking in a box of homeless kittens, our little dynamo Betty Cooper has taken in the children she freed from Our Lady of Quiet Mercy and Murder. In between hot love sessions with Jughead and trying to take down Daddykins with jailed nuns, B seems to have bitten off more than she could chew. Even Riverdale’s resident MILF, Alice Cooper, believes so. Turns out, the farm takes in all the strays. If anyone can help the children of the gargoyle kick their cult-like addiction to role-playing games and drugs, it’s another cult that throws babies in a fire pit while on drugs.
Guess B lose their support once they realize that the only thing she’s the queen of is being shady. And just when you think B’s day can’t get any worst, the sisters of Our Lady of Quiet Mercy and Murder decided it was time to meet their maker and take a vow of silence for eternity. If I was B, I would head down the river for some magically inspirational. Or maybe a trip to the sex bunker with J will help her get inspired. Or is that where she’s just keeping her secrets for now?
Buckle up, bitches…
Seems like the only thing that Riverdale needs to be quarantined from is all the lies. As Hiram’s plan falls in place, what will the town with pep do once they realize that the abs of Riverdale are in danger? Or will it all just be a drug-induced dream? Only time will tell. Go into your sex bunker kiddos, a nuclear bomb is about to go off in Riverdale.
If you breathe it’s because I give you air….
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