Sweetwater Tea Episode 5: The Stranger

Listen up fives, a ten is speaking and I’m in the mood for some chaos. Sorry to interrupt, sad breakfast club.  There’s definitely a lot of chaos in our fateful town. Hopefully you’re in the sex bunker because this tea will scar you. Will the news that Archiekins is seemingly swimming with the fishes rock the town with pep? Or will everyone’s favorite daddy put this news in time out? Welcome to Sweetwater tea.

You never truly leave Riverdale…Riverdale leaves you in the ground

Click here for the previous edition of “Sweetwater Tea”

Old Archie can’t come to the phone right now

Old Taylor isn’t the only thing that is dead. Riverdale’s resident abs wunderkind apparently is dead. Old Archie that is. But luckily for us, the body is alive and kicking. Dem abs have come back into Riverdale alive and well and his lovable doggie boyfriend made okay too as well. But will Riverdale accept Archiekins back in with open arms?

The answer there is of course. Who doesn’t love a sensitive yet harden former jailbird with a set of abs you can bake cookies on? A didn’t realize that Riverdale has moved on while he was off playing metrosexual lumberjack in the great maple north. It’s just like how his friends and family haven’t realized that this isn’t the same Archie that left. Will they realize that Archie is just seeing red for revenge? Or is it too late to save Archie from his personal demons that have consumed his non-existent ginger soul? Or will he finally let his love for Kevin Keller save it? So the last one may not be true, but a girl can dream, right?

Between rock and a hard set of abs

We feel for you R

Oh, V, didn’t Daddykins ever teach you that two is a party but three is a crowd? While I support and encourage throuples, they are only in okay in the bedroom in Riverdale. Throuples aren’t Ronnie things and with Archiekins back in town, V seemingly pushed Reggiekins to the side. He was last years Prada bag. While everyone wants their “veggie,” “Varchie” looked to be getting back into the swing of things. And by the swing of things, I mean having sex all over the place. Apparently, she’s paying the serpents extra for that kind of protection. Someone should really tell them that sex is only okay in the bunker and not in/under Pops. That’s a major health code violation besides just being tacky. Is tacky is something that you want associated with the Lodge name, Ronniekins?

Poor Reggie is forced to resort in Bumble to mend his broken, well-sculpted heart. Loose lips sink ships, and Reggie’s loose lips definitely sunk their ship. Was it intentional or was it just an accident? Time will only tell. The only thing I know is that it was the iceberg that sunk the U.S.S Varchie faster than the Titanic. But can you really sink something that was even afloat to begin with?

Hiram Lodge: Daddy AF

Don’t worry B. You weren’t the only one to say this when poor Daddykins got shot

It’s rough to be the DILF of Riverdale. All the planning and scheme and manipulating really takes a toll on a person. Especially when two other daddies try to set up to Daddykins. Fred Andrews decided to storm into Hiram’s humble abode and go all Beverly Hills, 90210 on his ass. Of course, Freddiekins didn’t go in alone. He decided to go to the local pet store for a serpent. He got the king serpent. Does F really think the King DILF is going to be spooked by that?

Spoiler: Hiram wasn’t and in fact, Hiram just blew it off. Can you blame him? He has other things to worry about. It appears that someone got brave and shot our precious Daddykins. You know what they say; when you take a shot at the baddest DILF in Riverdale, make sure you hit. Because when Hiram shoots, he never misses. Who shot Daddykins? V thinks it was A. But was it really the butler that shot Daddykins with the gun in parlor? Looks like Ronnie will need more than a game of “Clue” to figure out who try take out daddy. Of course, it could have been Ronniekins herself? Hell hath no fury like a scorn of Lodge.

Everyone loves a daddy in Uniform

There’s a new sheriff in town and I hear he’s a little bit of a snake. Who doesn’t love a daddy in Uniform? Especially when that daddy is FP Jones. Looks like Miss Daddykins didn’t like the plans that Hiram had wanted. What Hermione wants, Hermione gets. And she wanted FP in a uniform. Can you blame a girl?

Serpents bite the hand that feeds the Gargoyle King

While the true villain of Riverdale came out in the form of the PSATs, Jughead Jones continued on with his plans to strike at the Gargoyle Gang. Juggiekins and his band of serpents, with the help of hottie Fangs, took down the Man in Black’s, aka Hiram, team one by one. Turns out, the man posing as the Gargoyle King was an old friend of the serpents. Tall Boy.

A less known serpent who recently appeared with the wicked bitch of Northside Penny Peabody and the Ghoulies. It’s just too bad that he died in the sex bunker before Jughead got any answers. J did get good use of Archie and Veronica’s handcuffs and that wicked right hand. But that’s why you get when you leave your minions to do your dirty work. But was Tall Boy really the Gargoyle King or was it just an elaborate plan by the head daddy in charge to keep Jughead at bay? If I was Jughead, I wouldn’t let my guard down just yet. The more to still story.

But has Jughead has forgotten about the wrath of the HBIC? Will Cheryl Bombshell exploded onto J after what he did to her and Toni? Of course, she will. Cheryl might forgive but she’s doesn’t forget. She just gets even. She has a arrow with his name on it. Pointed right at his heart.

The Cooper Family Values

Maybe Choni can fund Betty Cooper to College with their sex money

While Jughead was having private rendezvous with hunky Fangs in his and Betty’s sex bunker, Betty had other things on her mind. Like her mother becomes the farm’s resident MILF. Alice Cooper turned into a cult MILF and funded their newest endeavor. How? Well, Alice also got a little bit of the sticky fingers. It’s so bad in fact that Betty had to go visit Daddy in the big house. Mommy Dearest happen to forge his signature in order to purchase a home for the children in the Betty Cooper foundation for the Children of the Gargoyle. Nothing says home sweet home like a place that even the nuns killed themselves to get out of. I guess Betty doesn’t need to go to college when you can just study with a cult for free.

Turns out the only women that Hal Cooper has coming back for more is his daughter and his cousin. That’s right, the town whore Penelope Blossom was parading to prison as Alice Cooper. Penelope was helping Hal get his rocks off. Not even his fellow prison mates want Hal to drop the soap. Too bad too, Hal probably wouldn’t have caught an STD from dropping the soap. But does the fact that B is visiting her dearly fucked up daddy a sign of forgiveness? Or is she just looking tap into the family darkness that turned her father onto his path to be the Black Hood?

Just because it seems like a happy ending is coming to the town with pep, doesn’t mean that it will be. What comes up, must always come down. And in Riverdale, it comes down hard and fast. Get ready kiddos, looks like you will soon be wishing that the PSATs and the Gargoyle King will be the only thing you have to worry about. Your world is about to get fucked worst than one of Hal and Penelope’s prison hookup.

Leave your thoughts/tea in the comments below. Make sure you follow me on Twitter for more of that tea.

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