Sweetwater Tea Episode 6: The Red Dahlia

Listen up fives, a ten is speaking and I’m in the mood for some chaos. Sorry to interrupt, sad breakfast club. The hounds are out in the town with pep. Someone decided to take a shot at Daddy. While it didn’t put Daddy into time out, someone will be grounded after this. While I wouldn’t mind a punishment from BDE Hiram Lodge, this kind of grounded will be more than one week. Was it Ronnie and Reggie taking a stand? Or did Archie inner demons take control of his soul? I think you better call an exorcist kiddos, either way. Someone is going to need a priest when it’s all said and done. Welcome to Sweetwater Tea.

Sorry, C. Even your bow and arrows with a side of sassy won’t be able to stop the wrath of Daddy.

Click here to read last week’s edition of Sweetwater Tea

All in the Family

While Daddy was in time out, looks like V put on the fur daddy coat to keep the family business running. Just like her father, who she recently left because she wasn’t into his business practices. Ronnie even got her own team to assist her after she fired the men that failed to protect her muscular father. They want her to align with the Grande family. Ronnie showed them that she has no tears left to cry for that family. So who was brave enough to help a girl out? Reggie Man-handle-me, aka Lonely boy 2.0, and the lodge family faithful butler Smithers. Personally, I would entrust them to save my life unless it was from a dust bunny or a very lonely night. But whatever floats Ronniekins yacht for this girl. Be careful though, V. Once you take a bite of the apple, you won’t be able to put it down. And sometimes, the apple has a bite to it if you pick the wrong one.

The fox in diamonds and pearls

V wasn’t the only Lodge to step in up their game while Daddy was in time out. Hermione was out in full force to show that she is that bitch. Hermikins tried to play dirty with the serpents. Turns out, the daddy in uniform was only there for his good looks and his ability to pawn in the Lodge’s game of Chess. Turns out, FP was going to be framed for daddy on daddy crime. Luckily for FP, Jughead, Sweet Pea, and sexy cucumber melon, aka Fangs, left the comfort of their Bath and Body Works sex bunker to follow Hermikins. Daughter doesn’t trust her Mommy after Daughter learned that Mommy has been running the fizzle rock drug empire with Daddykins. Not even the shade of their lavished stronghold will hide the lies. Especially when there’s more than just the Lodges in the lies.

Turns out that Hermione was looking for revenge on the dead Tall Boy shooting up her rally. According to Mama Lodge, it was all FP fault. It’s just too bad that Juggiekins found out before the Mama Lodge could put her plan into action. Oh, Hermikins, Didn’t Hiram teach you to have a backup plan for your plan? Or were you too busy dishing out your own personal brand of justice?

The Dirty Mistress Club membership is forever

It looks like the Dirty Mistress club has opened up an office in Riverdale. It so happens that the charter members are Hiram and Hermione Lodge. The first couple of Riverdale is seemingly having marital issues. While I don’t know who would want to cheat on the DILF of the year, Hermikins was actually sleeping with a deadman. Sheriff Minetta isn’t dead, in fact, he’s very much alive and well. He’s screwing Hermione in the woods. The same woods where Kevin Keller was going bear hunting. I guess the woods are very busy place in Riverdale, especially went it comes to transgressions of the skin.

What Hermikins said before she pulled the trigger

Hermione wasn’t the only who sleeping with the help. Turns out that Daddykins was sleeping with the local water inspector. That’s right, in exchange for fake reports about our lovely Sweetwater River, Hiram was giving Mrs. Mulwray his jingle jangle. Oh where would be without Jughead Jones and his ability to meddle in other people’s business? Sheriff Minetta wouldn’t be dead due to Hermione Lodge getting screwed over by him, FP and Jughead. Does Mrs. Mulwray have more to tell? Especially since she was linked with the town whore Penelope Blossom and her newest passion.

Les-be-honest, Penelope

Just when you thought that Penelope Blossom’s life was just as open as her legs, there’s something new that always keeps open. And no, Cheryl isn’t going to be a big sister. Penelope has opened up a little side business in Riverdale called The Maple Club. It’s a sex club where the lady of The Maple Club use whips, chains, and maple syrup on the men for pleasure and pain. Not exactly what Rihanna had in mind when she sang “S&M.” Our little Betty also starts to investigate Penelope after Claudius’ death was ruled a suicide. What recent death isn’t a bit suspicious? After all, this is Riverdale.

Nana Rose is always watching

Turns out, Penelope has a taste for murder and pleasure. Betty even got confirmation from the coroner that may or may not enjoy his job too much. Turns out that Mr. Blossom didn’t really kill himself. In fact, either did Claudius. Things got a little fishy with their deaths. And when things get fishy in Riverdale, it has Penelope Blossom’s name all over it. But before Betty can go and spill the beans, a good old fashion Blossom blackmail. Hal Cooper apparently spilled the beans on what Betty did to her fake brother Chic. I don’t know how someone can have that much pillow talk when it only last 5 seconds but it was enough to have B keeping her secrets. What else has Hal Cooper spilled to the world? Does he realize that it’s my job to spill everyone’s tea? But if I was Betty, I would put on her serpent jacket. That may be the only protection she can get to cover up her family secrets.

The pussycat and dem abs

Hey A, You and J aren’t going to happen

It appears that Riverdale’s lone pussycat seems to have taken in a stray. After making a hot drunken seen in his ex-girlfriend’s humble speakeasy, J took in Archiekins to the showers to sober the hottie up. Not only did they both keep their clothes on but Josiekins seems to help A get back into his musical roots. Let’s just hope the boy doesn’t want to be a singer again. But did I see a twinkle in Josie’s eye for the redheaded hottie? Or was that just pity for the little stray? Oh J, you could do so much better than the Archiekins. Sure, he’s a hot piece of meat. But being the rebound is something you are better than. Or are you just desperate for attention?

The handshake

Are you there, god? Has hell frozen over Riverdale? If so, please send help. A and Daddykins have called a truce in their hot yet douchey war. After Archiekins prevented a masked man from killing Hiram Lodge, something that A was looking to do himself. Don’t worry, A. You’re secret is always safe with me…for now. The real question is that is Archie and Hiram teaming up for a little destruction? I do know one thing for sure. When you are dealing with Hiram Percy Cornelius Lodge, you better have your ducks in a row. Because when you least expect it, your ducks will be run down by a limo. Not even a six pack of abs can save you from Hiram’s limo running you down.

Now that Daddykins is back up and kicking, some sort of order will be restored in the town with pep. Or will more chaos occur now that the Lodges hand has been shown? If I was Hiram, I would more concerned with what his mistress will be bringing to the table. We all know that it will be a gun, but will the gun be loaded with bullets or just vivid details of their luscious and scandalous affair? Hope you have more than condoms for protection, Hiram. You’re now playing with fire and if you don’t watch out, you’re about to get burnt.

Leave your thoughts/tea in the comments below. Make sure you follow me on Twitter for more of that tea.

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