Sweetwater Tea Episode 8: ‘Heathers’ musical review

Listen up fives, a ten is speaking and I’m in the mood for some chaos. Sorry that these little updates been missing like a quality relationship in our town with pep. Last night was the opening night for Riverdale High’s musicale “Heathers.” Since I was going to be front and center for this chaos, I thought I would don my iconic journalism clutch and review the mess. Betty Cooper is quaking in her tacky puffy sweater. I heard she wears them so Juggiekins has a place to cry and store things in while they are out and about being nosy bitches. Welcome to this special edition of “Sweetwater Tea.”

Me when I heard that Cheryl would actually be in this musical

This year musicale is based on some 80s movie that was more messed than a Cooper-Blossom family reunion. Now while some of the tea behind the scenes was more interesting, like the fact that Daddykins is single and ready to mingle (call me xoxo), I thought I would try spill some tea and share my thoughts.

Frankly, I had extremely low expectations going into this musicale. Especially when none of them have any musical theater experiences nor have any of them really do a musicale before. Sorry but only doing half of the first act from “Carrie” doesn’t count, chums. If that does counts, then so does my pre-school’s production of “Spring Awakening.” Now, little does this cast know, but I was present for all the rehearsals and my name is even on the program. That’s right. I went all “Betty Cooper investigative reporter” on their asses.

Now, I don’t honestly don’t know how they pulled off this because they only practiced for like 3-5 days and all of those rehearsals were just one song and only for like 10-20 minutes. 80% of the rest of those time was spilling the tea and/or fighting with each other. Now, I’m no thespian but I’m pretty sure that this isn’t how you prepare for a musical.

If there’s tea, I’ll always spill…

Here’s some of the tea that I scooped up during these little rehearsals:

  • Seems like Sweet Pea still is crushing on Josiekins and ended up spilling that Sweet Tea on Archoise. It’s so sad when the outdated items at the bottom of the barrel think they are good as the up to date item.
  • Veronica is so good in bed that every guy she screws things they are end game with her.
  • It was World War III because our little Tonikins tried to step up the mythic bitch/her ex Cheryl Bombshell. One would think that having two exes working together wouldn’t be productive but Keviekins and his poor choice in clothing decide to prove that theory work. He failed miserably.
  • Apparently, the color red is Cheryl’s thing. Someone better tell Gretchen Weiner’s parents before they buy her a red item for Hanukkah.
  • Don’t go to a bake sale at “The Farm.” Their baked goods have weed in them and will make you see dead Midge on your walls.
  • Keviekins’ kink for closet cases is still alive and well. Our little Betty Doo got pictures of Cucumber Melon Fangs and K getting “married” in a cult-like ritual. Or was K just so desperate that The Farm felt bad for him they just stuck him with the first guy they could?
  • Toni apparently places for both teams as she had a taste for Peaches N Cream and Sweet Pea. She quickly realized after both get down into their underwear that she only has a taste for cherries.
  • Choni is back together yet they still have yet solved their issues. Sex can’t fix everything, chums.
  • Bughead no longer has just a kink for bunker sex. They also developed a pyro kink too. Our little bughead is growing up and moved past petty crimes for felonious crimes.
  • Why hasn’t anyone looked into all these Arsons? Does the police do anything in town?
  • Evelyn Neverever is worst than Betty Cooper when it comes to being a nosy bitch. Shocker.
  • Archie and Josie think they are in love but have no clue what they are. I’m pretty sure they don’t know what’s going on. But when does Archie know what’s going on?
  • Apparently, the new cool place in the town with pep to have sex in and throw a party is Sisters of Quiet Mercy and Murder. I can’t anymore with these crazy kids and their parents that don’t care about their well being. They make the parents on Rugrat’s look like parenting geniuses.

Now, this is the part you shouldn’t expect often because my cold-heart was shook. For a bunch of inexperienced teens with so much drama that it made Degrassi question whether it really “goes there,” this musical was a blast in a glass. Sure, it looked like a bunch of high children put it on but I had a slightly enjoyable time. It could have been way better if they didn’t let a cult run it. Also, if they actually rehearsed this for more than just a week. And someone died. I really wanted a body.

What a babe

I was rather upset that no one was murdered during this year’s musical. I took a pool and everyone thought that little Eviekins was going to be the one that gets killed. It isn’t “Heathers” nor a Riverdale High musical without a little death. You know my hatred burns brights for someone when little old me is waiting for Muller and Scully to rip Evelyn shreds and ruin the dull and mundane activities she calls a life. That’s right, I’m stanning Bitchy Cooper and Jughead Jones right now.

My only concern is why they didn’t invite the drama club to participate in this production? If they can randomly allow people into the production that didn’t rehearse, then why not let people who actually have a background in theatre do the musicale? Maybe Keviekins didn’t just let his friends with no theatre background into the musical last year, Midge would be here making out with Moose and having very awkward threesomes with Kevin.

Now that the players are revealed and the line in the sand is drawn, I wonder what’s in store for our little town of horrors. Will the spring awaken and cause The Farm to rise and control the town now that Edgar Neverever has revealed his DILF-Y self? Or will Bughead have to team up with their enemy of their enemy in order to save the town from the cult that would make the Illuminati say no longer want to exist? As always, chums, buckle up. You have no idea what will be in store for you. Especially since it seems like we are getting ready our own little West Side Story with Hiram vs Gladys vs Edgar. When you’re in Riverdale, you’re in Riverdale all the way. From the first lie you tell, to the secret you take to your grave.

Here’s also a special album from the musical that Edgar gave us:

If you breathe, it’s because I give you air…

P.S. Just because this tea party is over, doesn’t mean we can’t have another. Follow me, Sweetwater Bombshell, on Twitter. If you thought this tea was good, then you haven’t seen anything yet.

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