Sweetwater Tea Episode 7: Bizarrodale

Listen up fives, a ten is speaking and I’m in the mood for some chaos. Sorry to interrupt, sad breakfast club. Are we still in Riverdale? Hiram and A have seemed to have made peace, Hermikins is a drug dealer, and Ronnie has turned into a sassier version of Daddykins. But one thing has stayed the same: Betty Cooper is a still a nosey bitch. Welcome to Sweetwater Tea.

Don’t look so judgemental, V. You’re secrets will soon be out.

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Between 2 closets

Welcome Back, HBIC

While Valentine’s Day is a week away, love was in the water here in the town with pep and someone was feeling like being Cupid Bombshell this week. That’s right ladies and Kevin Keller, Cheryl Majorie Blossom has donned her HBIC pearls once again. No one was ready for the Bombshell that she would be dropping. Even I was shaken by the tea she brought. One person who wasn’t was her lover. Turns out that T pulled out her lady balls out C’s iconic clutch and gave her a piece of her mind. All it took was Cheryl publically outing Moosiekins and throwing her privilege to make Tonikins put the HBIC in her place. And they had their first fight in the Girl’s bathroom too. How 90’s teen drama.

Turns out there was a softer side of Cherylkins. And with this softer side, we got a show Bravo talk show with Cheryl and Kevin. While they talked about love and Kevin’s love for closet cases, it shockingly didn’t end with them kissing nor with C giving K a fashion makeover. Les-be-honest, K needs one. C and T even team up for a little destruction as they drag Mommy Whorest to her knees. A place she’s used to. Turns out when you screw with Cheryl’s future, she gets out the whip. Sounds like the S&M runs in the family. C even gets Toni her own little gang. Nothing says love like getting your girlfriend a gang. Kinky. If I was the serpents, I’d watch out for the Choni and their gang of temperamental bitches. Pretty Poisons are their name and they are out for blood.

Mason Family Values

Are you there, God? Has hell frozen over Riverdale again? My cold heart shed a tear as Moose Mason finally had the balls to admit to his father to that he likes Kevin, who is apparently not a female. It looked like Keviekins was finally going to get loved. They even decided to break into the sex bunker in their own reboot called “Brokeback Riverdale.” It’s just too bad that anything but sex happened in the bunker. I was so waiting to watch that reboot too.

You’re not the only one shocked to see Moosiekins leave his closet, K

Turns out that the Mason family keeps all their secrets in basement instead of their closets. Mr. Mason turned into the biggest cockblocker of all time. Not only did he block his own son, but he also blocked every teen in Riverdale. Minus Archie….Archie was saving it for Keviekins. Again, a girl can dream. Turns out that Mr. Mason had a thing for Daddy Keller. Can you really blame him on that one? But unlike his son, he was sent to Our Sisters of Mercy and Murder. Apparently, Granddaddy Mason wanted Mr. M to “pray the gay away” with the Gargoyle King. Those bitches.

In order to prevent his son from losing his V card, and to prevent Daddy Keller from marrying anyone but him, he went extra as fuck. Mr. M reunited The Midnight Club as a distraction to raid the bunker and forced Koose to play a kinky game of G&G. Apparently, we have been playing it wrong this whole time. Before anyone could get the poison, the HBIC came in with a SWAT time to save the day. Mr. M thought he and his brainwashed RROTC could scare the gay out of Moose. But the only thing he would pray away will be Big Johnny.

Sadly, this is Riverdale after. Did you really think Kevin would get a happy ever after? While Mr. Mason is living out his fantasy of a prison threesome with Hal Cooper and Penelope Blossom, Moosiekins is heading out of town to stay with his aunt. If you are worried about Keviekins, don’t worry. He was spotted sulking in Fox Forest while swiping right on Bumble. Doesn’t he know that Grindr is more his speed for what happens in Fox Forest?

Love, Riverdale Style

Let’s take a pause from the tea, to give you some breaking news. This tea is just too hot not to spill. Apparently, little Josie McCoy likes to shop in the dark and brooding part of Bed, Bath and Beyond. During the summer, Josiekins had the thing for Sweet Pea. Scandalous that the former mayor’s daughter once had a thing for the kid from the wrong side of the tracks. I wonder if J went through the other scents too. I hear that daddy Fangs, aka cucumber melon, is one with a bite. Any girl would be lucky to catch that serpent. Just ask Midge…oh wait. Now, back to our regularly scheduled tea.

Josie in the City

Seems like our little Pussycat has her claw set into the Big Apple. Turns out that Josiekins had an audition with Julliard. Oh J, did you really think you could get into The Julliard School with only having long tail and ears for hats under your belt? Or did you think your experience in one musical could get you into a performing art school like Julliard?

While J didn’t get into Julliard, she did get into a certain red-headed mouth. Sorry Cheryl, but it wasn’t you. After singing a duet, she and Archiekins were seen kissing in a well-aimed spotlight. Let me be the first to welcome Josiekins into the Lips of Riverdale. Everyone has kissed everyone…well, minus Kevin. There’s still time for that for Keviekins. But it seems like everyone falls for Archie and his wonder abs.

Veggie Drug Tales

You’re Welcome

Oh, Ronniekins, did you really think you’re little plan wouldn’t have a consequence? It’s not Daddykins you are dealing with, after all. Turns out Hermikins still owes her dealer some money. And instead of enlisting her team, she punishes Ronnie and her boy-toy with abs to come up with a plan to get it back. It seems like Hiram didn’t teach Hermione how to be a sexy crime lord.

The Drug Dealer turns out to be Juggiekins’ mommy. While she might be a BILF, she’s at least a BILF with a big heart. Gladys took pity on Veggie and gave them more time to get her the money she needs. Was it really out of the kindness of her heart? Or is Gladykins looking to sink her teeth into something bigger than just some petty drug money? Oh Hermione, If I was you, I’d leave all the business ventures to Hiram and Ronnie. Especially since it appears you opened a can of worms that you cannot close.

While things seem to be cooling down for Valentine’s day in our little town, you’re about to get a heatwave. It’s going to get hot and heavy and not in a good way. What do Miss FP and her daughter Jolly Rancher have up their sleeve now that they are back in town? It seems like the Lodge empire is getting ready to come crashing down around the first family of Riverdale. I wonder how Daddykins will get himself out of the mess that his lovely wife has gotten them into. Grab your daddy cane and daddy fur coat Hiram, because you need to keep warm once you are living in the street. Oh, and what happened to Falice? I wonder if it has to do with Edgar Neverever, who might be Edgar Alwaysever if you know what I mean. Until next time, kiddos: if you breathe, it is because I give you air.

P.S. Just because this tea party is over, doesn’t mean we can’t have another. Follow me, Sweetwater Bombshell, on Twitter. If you thought this tea was good, then you haven’t seen anything yet.

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Sweetwater Tea Episode 6: The Red Dahlia

Listen up fives, a ten is speaking and I’m in the mood for some chaos. Sorry to interrupt, sad breakfast club. The hounds are out in the town with pep. Someone decided to take a shot at Daddy. While it didn’t put Daddy into time out, someone will be grounded after this. While I wouldn’t mind a punishment from BDE Hiram Lodge, this kind of grounded will be more than one week. Was it Ronnie and Reggie taking a stand? Or did Archie inner demons take control of his soul? I think you better call an exorcist kiddos, either way. Someone is going to need a priest when it’s all said and done. Welcome to Sweetwater Tea.

Sorry, C. Even your bow and arrows with a side of sassy won’t be able to stop the wrath of Daddy.

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All in the Family

While Daddy was in time out, looks like V put on the fur daddy coat to keep the family business running. Just like her father, who she recently left because she wasn’t into his business practices. Ronnie even got her own team to assist her after she fired the men that failed to protect her muscular father. They want her to align with the Grande family. Ronnie showed them that she has no tears left to cry for that family. So who was brave enough to help a girl out? Reggie Man-handle-me, aka Lonely boy 2.0, and the lodge family faithful butler Smithers. Personally, I would entrust them to save my life unless it was from a dust bunny or a very lonely night. But whatever floats Ronniekins yacht for this girl. Be careful though, V. Once you take a bite of the apple, you won’t be able to put it down. And sometimes, the apple has a bite to it if you pick the wrong one.

The fox in diamonds and pearls

V wasn’t the only Lodge to step in up their game while Daddy was in time out. Hermione was out in full force to show that she is that bitch. Hermikins tried to play dirty with the serpents. Turns out, the daddy in uniform was only there for his good looks and his ability to pawn in the Lodge’s game of Chess. Turns out, FP was going to be framed for daddy on daddy crime. Luckily for FP, Jughead, Sweet Pea, and sexy cucumber melon, aka Fangs, left the comfort of their Bath and Body Works sex bunker to follow Hermikins. Daughter doesn’t trust her Mommy after Daughter learned that Mommy has been running the fizzle rock drug empire with Daddykins. Not even the shade of their lavished stronghold will hide the lies. Especially when there’s more than just the Lodges in the lies.

Turns out that Hermione was looking for revenge on the dead Tall Boy shooting up her rally. According to Mama Lodge, it was all FP fault. It’s just too bad that Juggiekins found out before the Mama Lodge could put her plan into action. Oh, Hermikins, Didn’t Hiram teach you to have a backup plan for your plan? Or were you too busy dishing out your own personal brand of justice?

The Dirty Mistress Club membership is forever

It looks like the Dirty Mistress club has opened up an office in Riverdale. It so happens that the charter members are Hiram and Hermione Lodge. The first couple of Riverdale is seemingly having marital issues. While I don’t know who would want to cheat on the DILF of the year, Hermikins was actually sleeping with a deadman. Sheriff Minetta isn’t dead, in fact, he’s very much alive and well. He’s screwing Hermione in the woods. The same woods where Kevin Keller was going bear hunting. I guess the woods are very busy place in Riverdale, especially went it comes to transgressions of the skin.

What Hermikins said before she pulled the trigger

Hermione wasn’t the only who sleeping with the help. Turns out that Daddykins was sleeping with the local water inspector. That’s right, in exchange for fake reports about our lovely Sweetwater River, Hiram was giving Mrs. Mulwray his jingle jangle. Oh where would be without Jughead Jones and his ability to meddle in other people’s business? Sheriff Minetta wouldn’t be dead due to Hermione Lodge getting screwed over by him, FP and Jughead. Does Mrs. Mulwray have more to tell? Especially since she was linked with the town whore Penelope Blossom and her newest passion.

Les-be-honest, Penelope

Just when you thought that Penelope Blossom’s life was just as open as her legs, there’s something new that always keeps open. And no, Cheryl isn’t going to be a big sister. Penelope has opened up a little side business in Riverdale called The Maple Club. It’s a sex club where the lady of The Maple Club use whips, chains, and maple syrup on the men for pleasure and pain. Not exactly what Rihanna had in mind when she sang “S&M.” Our little Betty also starts to investigate Penelope after Claudius’ death was ruled a suicide. What recent death isn’t a bit suspicious? After all, this is Riverdale.

Nana Rose is always watching

Turns out, Penelope has a taste for murder and pleasure. Betty even got confirmation from the coroner that may or may not enjoy his job too much. Turns out that Mr. Blossom didn’t really kill himself. In fact, either did Claudius. Things got a little fishy with their deaths. And when things get fishy in Riverdale, it has Penelope Blossom’s name all over it. But before Betty can go and spill the beans, a good old fashion Blossom blackmail. Hal Cooper apparently spilled the beans on what Betty did to her fake brother Chic. I don’t know how someone can have that much pillow talk when it only last 5 seconds but it was enough to have B keeping her secrets. What else has Hal Cooper spilled to the world? Does he realize that it’s my job to spill everyone’s tea? But if I was Betty, I would put on her serpent jacket. That may be the only protection she can get to cover up her family secrets.

The pussycat and dem abs

Hey A, You and J aren’t going to happen

It appears that Riverdale’s lone pussycat seems to have taken in a stray. After making a hot drunken seen in his ex-girlfriend’s humble speakeasy, J took in Archiekins to the showers to sober the hottie up. Not only did they both keep their clothes on but Josiekins seems to help A get back into his musical roots. Let’s just hope the boy doesn’t want to be a singer again. But did I see a twinkle in Josie’s eye for the redheaded hottie? Or was that just pity for the little stray? Oh J, you could do so much better than the Archiekins. Sure, he’s a hot piece of meat. But being the rebound is something you are better than. Or are you just desperate for attention?

The handshake

Are you there, god? Has hell frozen over Riverdale? If so, please send help. A and Daddykins have called a truce in their hot yet douchey war. After Archiekins prevented a masked man from killing Hiram Lodge, something that A was looking to do himself. Don’t worry, A. You’re secret is always safe with me…for now. The real question is that is Archie and Hiram teaming up for a little destruction? I do know one thing for sure. When you are dealing with Hiram Percy Cornelius Lodge, you better have your ducks in a row. Because when you least expect it, your ducks will be run down by a limo. Not even a six pack of abs can save you from Hiram’s limo running you down.

Now that Daddykins is back up and kicking, some sort of order will be restored in the town with pep. Or will more chaos occur now that the Lodges hand has been shown? If I was Hiram, I would more concerned with what his mistress will be bringing to the table. We all know that it will be a gun, but will the gun be loaded with bullets or just vivid details of their luscious and scandalous affair? Hope you have more than condoms for protection, Hiram. You’re now playing with fire and if you don’t watch out, you’re about to get burnt.

Leave your thoughts/tea in the comments below. Make sure you follow me on Twitter for more of that tea.

Sweetwater Tea Episode 5: The Stranger

Listen up fives, a ten is speaking and I’m in the mood for some chaos. Sorry to interrupt, sad breakfast club.  There’s definitely a lot of chaos in our fateful town. Hopefully you’re in the sex bunker because this tea will scar you. Will the news that Archiekins is seemingly swimming with the fishes rock the town with pep? Or will everyone’s favorite daddy put this news in time out? Welcome to Sweetwater tea.

You never truly leave Riverdale…Riverdale leaves you in the ground

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Old Archie can’t come to the phone right now

Old Taylor isn’t the only thing that is dead. Riverdale’s resident abs wunderkind apparently is dead. Old Archie that is. But luckily for us, the body is alive and kicking. Dem abs have come back into Riverdale alive and well and his lovable doggie boyfriend made okay too as well. But will Riverdale accept Archiekins back in with open arms?

The answer there is of course. Who doesn’t love a sensitive yet harden former jailbird with a set of abs you can bake cookies on? A didn’t realize that Riverdale has moved on while he was off playing metrosexual lumberjack in the great maple north. It’s just like how his friends and family haven’t realized that this isn’t the same Archie that left. Will they realize that Archie is just seeing red for revenge? Or is it too late to save Archie from his personal demons that have consumed his non-existent ginger soul? Or will he finally let his love for Kevin Keller save it? So the last one may not be true, but a girl can dream, right?

Between rock and a hard set of abs

We feel for you R

Oh, V, didn’t Daddykins ever teach you that two is a party but three is a crowd? While I support and encourage throuples, they are only in okay in the bedroom in Riverdale. Throuples aren’t Ronnie things and with Archiekins back in town, V seemingly pushed Reggiekins to the side. He was last years Prada bag. While everyone wants their “veggie,” “Varchie” looked to be getting back into the swing of things. And by the swing of things, I mean having sex all over the place. Apparently, she’s paying the serpents extra for that kind of protection. Someone should really tell them that sex is only okay in the bunker and not in/under Pops. That’s a major health code violation besides just being tacky. Is tacky is something that you want associated with the Lodge name, Ronniekins?

Poor Reggie is forced to resort in Bumble to mend his broken, well-sculpted heart. Loose lips sink ships, and Reggie’s loose lips definitely sunk their ship. Was it intentional or was it just an accident? Time will only tell. The only thing I know is that it was the iceberg that sunk the U.S.S Varchie faster than the Titanic. But can you really sink something that was even afloat to begin with?

Hiram Lodge: Daddy AF

Don’t worry B. You weren’t the only one to say this when poor Daddykins got shot

It’s rough to be the DILF of Riverdale. All the planning and scheme and manipulating really takes a toll on a person. Especially when two other daddies try to set up to Daddykins. Fred Andrews decided to storm into Hiram’s humble abode and go all Beverly Hills, 90210 on his ass. Of course, Freddiekins didn’t go in alone. He decided to go to the local pet store for a serpent. He got the king serpent. Does F really think the King DILF is going to be spooked by that?

Spoiler: Hiram wasn’t and in fact, Hiram just blew it off. Can you blame him? He has other things to worry about. It appears that someone got brave and shot our precious Daddykins. You know what they say; when you take a shot at the baddest DILF in Riverdale, make sure you hit. Because when Hiram shoots, he never misses. Who shot Daddykins? V thinks it was A. But was it really the butler that shot Daddykins with the gun in parlor? Looks like Ronnie will need more than a game of “Clue” to figure out who try take out daddy. Of course, it could have been Ronniekins herself? Hell hath no fury like a scorn of Lodge.

Everyone loves a daddy in Uniform

There’s a new sheriff in town and I hear he’s a little bit of a snake. Who doesn’t love a daddy in Uniform? Especially when that daddy is FP Jones. Looks like Miss Daddykins didn’t like the plans that Hiram had wanted. What Hermione wants, Hermione gets. And she wanted FP in a uniform. Can you blame a girl?

Serpents bite the hand that feeds the Gargoyle King

While the true villain of Riverdale came out in the form of the PSATs, Jughead Jones continued on with his plans to strike at the Gargoyle Gang. Juggiekins and his band of serpents, with the help of hottie Fangs, took down the Man in Black’s, aka Hiram, team one by one. Turns out, the man posing as the Gargoyle King was an old friend of the serpents. Tall Boy.

A less known serpent who recently appeared with the wicked bitch of Northside Penny Peabody and the Ghoulies. It’s just too bad that he died in the sex bunker before Jughead got any answers. J did get good use of Archie and Veronica’s handcuffs and that wicked right hand. But that’s why you get when you leave your minions to do your dirty work. But was Tall Boy really the Gargoyle King or was it just an elaborate plan by the head daddy in charge to keep Jughead at bay? If I was Jughead, I wouldn’t let my guard down just yet. The more to still story.

But has Jughead has forgotten about the wrath of the HBIC? Will Cheryl Bombshell exploded onto J after what he did to her and Toni? Of course, she will. Cheryl might forgive but she’s doesn’t forget. She just gets even. She has a arrow with his name on it. Pointed right at his heart.

The Cooper Family Values

Maybe Choni can fund Betty Cooper to College with their sex money

While Jughead was having private rendezvous with hunky Fangs in his and Betty’s sex bunker, Betty had other things on her mind. Like her mother becomes the farm’s resident MILF. Alice Cooper turned into a cult MILF and funded their newest endeavor. How? Well, Alice also got a little bit of the sticky fingers. It’s so bad in fact that Betty had to go visit Daddy in the big house. Mommy Dearest happen to forge his signature in order to purchase a home for the children in the Betty Cooper foundation for the Children of the Gargoyle. Nothing says home sweet home like a place that even the nuns killed themselves to get out of. I guess Betty doesn’t need to go to college when you can just study with a cult for free.

Turns out the only women that Hal Cooper has coming back for more is his daughter and his cousin. That’s right, the town whore Penelope Blossom was parading to prison as Alice Cooper. Penelope was helping Hal get his rocks off. Not even his fellow prison mates want Hal to drop the soap. Too bad too, Hal probably wouldn’t have caught an STD from dropping the soap. But does the fact that B is visiting her dearly fucked up daddy a sign of forgiveness? Or is she just looking tap into the family darkness that turned her father onto his path to be the Black Hood?

Just because it seems like a happy ending is coming to the town with pep, doesn’t mean that it will be. What comes up, must always come down. And in Riverdale, it comes down hard and fast. Get ready kiddos, looks like you will soon be wishing that the PSATs and the Gargoyle King will be the only thing you have to worry about. Your world is about to get fucked worst than one of Hal and Penelope’s prison hookup.

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Sweetwater Tea Episode 4: No Exit

Listen up fives, a ten is speaking and I’m in the mood for some chaos. Sorry to interrupt, sad breakfast club. No one is leaving and they are certainly are entering the town with pep. Can you really blame them? I wouldn’t want to leave the town with Hiram Lodge in it. Don’t worry your little heads, Riverdale. I’m still here to give you a hot cup of tea that you deserve. It’s not as contiguous like the lies plaguing the town. Welcome to Sweetwater Tea.

Don’t worry B. It will all be over soon…at least you hope

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It’s a mad mad world

It’s been five long weeks since Daddykins closed the gates into Riverdale. Archiekins is off being a hot metrosexual lumberjack. I wonder if Kevin Keller gave him some tips on surviving the woods. After all, he’s an expert on it. As dem abs settle into his life in the woods, someone decides to commit a felony by injuring 2018 hottest redhaired male. Who would do such a heinous act? It’s not like there’s a bounty on A’s head. With Ronniekins not there to nurse his wounds, poor A began to see dead people. Either I’ll have what he’s having or something bad is coming towards that Archie. Word of the river is that by the time someone got to poor Archiekins, it might have been a little too late. Could Hiram have finally stuck it to A or is he just a casualty of war? But hey, it could have been just a bear…I heard from Kevin Kevin there’s a lot of them in the woods.

The lies Daddykins tells me

Grab your armor, there’s a civil war going on. Veronica Cecilia Lodge has decided to go to war with her father. Daughter like Father, right? You think that Hiram would be proud that V is just a little version of him. But all is fair in love and war. And it’s war when you have something that the DILF wants. And the DILF wants part of Veronica’s money. He plans on getting by any mean necessary. For someone who swears he’s not the Gargoyle King, having a gang of Gargoyles attack Ronniekins’ shipments doesn’t help that cause.

But how does one fight Gargoyles? With serpents, of course. V used her connections with the serpent king to signed them up for the standard Lodge employment plan: cheap labor and protection. Too bad Hiram’s gang wasn’t the thing that Ronnie needs protections for. V was spotted kissing Reggie “douchey abs” Mantle in her place of business. I don’t know what kind of business she is running but sign me up. What would Archie think about Veggie becoming a thing? Oh, wait…

Choni and the Pussycats

The Pussycats are back in town and they have a taste for petty thef, women, and the finer things in life. Too bad they aren’t the ones that sang and swayed behind Josie Mccoy. Cheryl Bombshell and Toni might have long tails and ears for hats but they are teaming up for a little destruction. Besides stealing kisses and jewelry, Cheryl also looks like she is after more. The HBIC is back and she’s looking for her crown. Too bad that she was quickly put in her place by the Serpent King. Does Jughead not realize that hell hath no fury like a Blossoms scorn?

The Betty Cooper Foundation for the Children of the Gargoyle

Like taking in a box of homeless kittens, our little dynamo Betty Cooper has taken in the children she freed from Our Lady of Quiet Mercy and Murder. In between hot love sessions with Jughead and trying to take down Daddykins with jailed nuns, B seems to have bitten off more than she could chew. Even Riverdale’s resident MILF, Alice Cooper, believes so. Turns out, the farm takes in all the strays. If anyone can help the children of the gargoyle kick their cult-like addiction to role-playing games and drugs, it’s another cult that throws babies in a fire pit while on drugs.

Guess B lose their support once they realize that the only thing she’s the queen of is being shady. And just when you think B’s day can’t get any worst, the sisters of Our Lady of Quiet Mercy and Murder decided it was time to meet their maker and take a vow of silence for eternity. If I was B, I would head down the river for some magically inspirational. Or maybe a trip to the sex bunker with J will help her get inspired. Or is that where she’s just keeping her secrets for now?

Buckle up, bitches…

Seems like the only thing that Riverdale needs to be quarantined from is all the lies. As Hiram’s plan falls in place, what will the town with pep do once they realize that the abs of Riverdale are in danger? Or will it all just be a drug-induced dream? Only time will tell. Go into your sex bunker kiddos, a nuclear bomb is about to go off in Riverdale.

If you breathe it’s because I give you air….

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