Another letter to Santa

Dear Santa Claus,

Hello there! It’s me again. I hope this letter finds you well. I’m very glad to see that you still aren’t in jail. Don’t worry, karma ends up catching up to you eventually. Again, I’m joking slightly. I’m writing you this letter again because I need you to give some gifts out for me. I’m broke af, I cannot afford to get some of these gifts. Not to mention that some of these gifts are impossible for me to get. Just be happy that I’m getting you this letter before Christmas. Anyways here’s my list. 

Kim Kardashian has been working on the same letter since last year 

CLICK HERE TO READ LAST YEAR’S LETTER TO SANTA

Bailey Miller: Queen of Jelly, Bows, and city treasure

You failed me last year, Santa. I asked you to get my friend, click here to follow her on Twitter, Nick Jonas and you gave him to the wrong girl. Now he’s off and married unaware that he’s missing out a lifetime of free jam and jelly. Sure, I might have asked you to get her a new man but you still should have made her dreams come true with Nick Jonas. That what you are about. Making dreams come true? I’m also still waiting to find KJ Apa a good home but that’s something we can discuss another time.

This year, please get Bailey a man since you took Nick Jonas off the market. I’m serious too! You need to make it up for her. I recommend a CW star because they are all super attractive. Charles Melton, Reggie from “Riverdale,” would be a good fit for her. Cole Sprouse but one of his characters dated a Bailey and that would be awkward. In college, she liked to watch frat boys and patiently wait for them to ask her to the sock hop and to get a soda pop. That gives you an idea of who to have your vertically challenged slaves kidnap and put a bow on. Oh, and she would also like Demi Lovato to release more music. I would also like her to do go to Lindsay Lohan’s beach club so she can truly go on a Lohan holiday. 

Donald Trump

…..I’m still waiting for the refund….

Victoria Justice

While I may in the past have made comments on about Vicky J, I think WE ALL need to be a little nicer on the girl who may or may not bullied Ariana Grande and ended the gem “VICTORiOUS.” Without her, we wouldn’t have Ariana Grande’s rise to be a pop star. For that, I decided that she doesn’t coal this year. Please give Victoria Justice a career again. It doesn’t have to be anything too long or good, just something that will tie her over. I wouldn’t mind if that would be a “VICTORiOUS” reunion movie. I think WE ALL would agree that it would be great. Santa, let’s make Vicky J great again!

People of the United States

Like last year, Please give the people of the United States the ability to pull their heads out of their self-centered asses and think of others instead of themselves. Also, please make them less rude. 

Jake Paul

While I might have suggested that he and his brother, Logan, might have sold their soul to the devil, I think he deserves a little Christmas joy this year. I would like Jake Paul to have some actually true friends. While he has friends, I would like him to have some that will be good influences on him. What I got from Shane Dawson’s docuseries is that he needs those in his life. He has a good head on his shoulders but he need the right people in his life to make smart decisions. 

I hope you are able to deliver these gifts to them. It would make me the happiest boy in the world. Please let me know when you are going to come visit my house. I have my attack cats ready to assault you. They are trained to protect the house. Hope to see you soon!

Your “friend,”

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Steven Kaufman

Leave your thoughts/tea in the comments below. Make sure you follow me on Twitter for more of that tea.

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A letter to Santa Claus

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Santa, can you hear me?

Dear Santa,

I hope this letter finds you well as you prepare to break into countless homes around the world in order to give the children you find worthy gifts. Joking about you breaking into homes…sort of. If you want to read more about here my article where I pretty much call you creepy. Anyways, I writing you this letter last minute because I have some people I would like you to give some gifts. And because you are a very “busy man,” let’s be real: you enslaved vertically challenged people to do your bidding, I broke it down in a sort of bullet points. They are after this gif of Kim Kardashian West pretending that she can read.

My friend Bailey Miller: queen of Bows, Jelly, and being extra af

You might remember her. Here’s her twitter because she wants that free promo for nothing. smh. She wanted me to ask you for Nick Jonas under her Christmas tree but I told her that you only give out new toys and not old ones. So please get her a new mantoy to obsessive over. No one should get hammy downs for Christmas. I recommend KJ Apa because he has “dem abs,” a sugar daddy, or even one of those Disney stars that aren’t a 50 year playing a teenager. You might want to get her something to keep her alive because she’s always saying that “she’s dead.” If she is dead when you get there, I will find a good home for KJ. Oh, she’s also very jelly that Jojo’s bow game. Please make it okay for someone in their mid 20s to wear bows. But take that ability away once her bows become they engulf her head.

Jojo Siwa

She’s literally everywhere this year and I just have two simple requests for her. Please get her something that will make less like she’s sharing Honey Boo Boo’s gogo juices. Also, please take her to a good doctor for her neck. Her bows are the size of her head, that really can’t be good for the neck in the long run, especially when she’s shaking it all around. Honestly, if you can get her a lot of small bows, the world would thank you as well as her parents in the future because those medical bills will break their bank.

President Trump

I know asking for a refund on this one is asking for too much, so can you please just take away his Twitter, his ego, his ability to talk, and his ability to be seen on TV? Also, please get him a membership to hair club to men. That hair is something no one should have to see or live with.

People of the United States

This one is a biggy. Please give the people of the United States the ability to pull their heads out of their self centered asses and think of others instead of themselves. Also, please make them less rude.

The Kardashian/Jenner Family

What do you get the family that literally has everything? Please get them more important things to do than just being on a reality show. I’m kind of over them to a certain degree. I still will celebrate anniversary’s by Kardashian’s rather than gems, because Kardashian’s are forever. I just would like one year where I don’t have to hear about who they are getting “jolly” with. Also, please get them more clothes. Every year, it seems like their clothes are shrinking or they are just losing them. Oh, please give Scott Disick more screen time because he’s the best thing about the show.

I hope you are able to deliver these gifts to them. It would make me the happiest boy in the world. Please let me know when you are going to come visit my house. I have my attack cats ready to assault you. They are trained to protect the house. Hope to see you soon!

Your “friend,”

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Steven Kaufman

Leave your thoughts in the comments below. Make sure you follow me on Twitter for more cool things. 

 

Challenges that will make you internet famous

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Have you ever wanted to become famous on the internet so you don’t have to work that job you hate ever again? Well, I’m here to help you in your quest for internet stardom. The best way for you to accomplish this is by doing challenges.

Challenges all the rage right now. There’s a little a challenge for everything and anything that you can think of. Here are some challenges that will get you the instant gratification of being famous in a hurry.

  • Breathalyzer challenge: This challenge would make eating spoonful of cinnamon look like child’s play. All you need for this one is a breathalyzer and a bunch of alcohol. You also might want to get a couple of friends that don’t drink for this just in case. The point of this breathalyzer is to see how high the breathalyzer goes. Pretty much, you drink until the breathalyzer reaches it limit. Be careful that you don’t get alcohol poisoning and that your blood alcohol content doesn’t go down. If any of those happens, you lose the challenge.
  • Don’t lose “the game” challengeWe all remember playing “the game” in middle school. Well this challenge involves you not losing it, which you just did. Better luck next time.
  • Awkward challenge: This challenge is a fun one. All you need to do is make people extremely and uncomfortably awkward. I recommend breaking social norms that you’ve been taught is rude and unacceptable. This could be like standing extremely close to someone when talking to them, grabbing a piece of food off of someone you don’t knows plate while sitting on their lap, or even just offering to be the third in a married couple’s relationship. Doesn’t that sound like the best challenge ever
  • ”Please stop” challenge: This is another fun one. All you have to do is just be super annoying and have people either asking you or screaming at you to stop. I recommend singing the songs loudly with your headphones in. That will always piss people off to no end.
  • Get away with challenge: This challenge is extremely rough. You just do illegal tasks and then see how long you can go without getting caught. This one you really don’t want to publish online but if you are caught, you will definitely become internet famous the more illegal activities you do.

As you can probably tell, this is all satire on the fact that most people are getting famous off of stupid and idiotic challenges like eating spoonful cinnamon. If you haven’t figured out that this is all satirical, I hope you gain a huge following over some of these challenge idea.

Leave your thoughts in the comments below. Make sure you follow me on Twitter for more sass and shit.

Another letter to President Trump

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Dear President Trump,

I hope this letter find you well and not on a golf course. I’m writing you this letter, again, because I feel like the first letter didn’t really click with you. So, we’re going to try this again and hope that maybe it will help. Let’s be honest, it’s probably won’t but I can try to think positively, right?

I’m just going to come out and say it: You really just need to stop. Do you really need to be such a dick on social media? Just because you don’t agree with things, that doesn’t mean that you have to be such a tool. You don’t really need to comment on every single news story that has your name on it. Just like you don’t need to push the same “story” to try to get people’s attention off of you. You’ve been in the public eye before, you should know what not to do. It’s also ironic that you are pushing this “oh, this is fake new! Don’t trust insert media outlet” and yet, you are the one causing most of the fake news story.

You also need to top throwing tempter tantrums on your social media when things don’t go your way. If life goes the way we wanted, then you wouldn’t be president. I’m sorry, that one was rather harsh. True but harsh. You just got to roll with the punches and move on. Calling people names and blaming others isn’t doing that. It’s rather the opposite, it’s like taking your ball and going home because Jimmy wouldn’t let you be team captain so you say “screw you, let me see you play with came without a ball.” Literally, that is what you are doing. Grow up and move on. It sucks but it’s what we all have to do.

Now, I’m not really sure if you are aware but people are supposed to like the President enough to trust him. Right now, you are very much failing at it like Reality television stars fail at staying relevant in the media after their show is over. Oops, was that too close to home? Anyways, by being a tool and a dick, that’s not getting people to like you. Whether you want to admit it or not, regardless it’s true, your ratings are the worst in history. You are still at a point where you can turn it around. It was will be very hard but you can do it. Just need to let someone else run your twitter and make your staff more likeable. Literally,  no one in your cabinet is likeable. Did you pick them to make yourself more likeable? Was it a “I have an idea and it will be HUUUGGGE! Make my cabinet less likeable that me and then people will be like ‘hey, Trump aint that bad!’?” If that was the plan, then it was a stupid plan.

I could sit here a literally just tell you all the things to make your cabinet needs to improve on but then we would literally be here all day. You have a country to run. All I am saying is that you need to be less of tool, let someone else run your social media, and attempt to make your cabinet more likeable and less like a bunch of assholes that America wants to punch in the face.

Also, Have you thought about making your presidency into a reality show? I all ready wrote up a treatment and it’s pretty much “The OC” meets “West Wing.” Let me know if you are interested, and we’ll see what we can work out.

Have a wonderful day, and please remember: don’t be a tool

Steven Kaufman

P.S. Please tell Putin and Russia I give my regards 😉

Leave your thoughts in the comments below. Make sure you follow me on Twitter because I’m awesome.