Here’s what you missed in 2009

Since it’s 2019, I thought it would be a fun experience to celebrate the 10th anniversary of 2009. That’s right, it’s been 10 years since 2009 was a thing. Now I’m just talking about all the pop culture events. I’m not going to be diving into like politics or the actual news. That’s just depressing because it was a happier time. I miss Barry Obama and his wife. They were a good time. So polite.

So here’s three of the major events that occurred in 2009. Yes, “Glee” happened in this year but I’m honestly not in the mood to cover it more than I have before.

Miley Cyrus and her Pole-rizing performance

This should have been a sign from sweet baby Jesus that we would be in for a little old Miley Rae Cyrus, or Molly Cyprus as the older generation calls her. It was the 2009 Teen Choice Awards. It was a dark year for those teenybops unless you were a “Twilight” fan. They swept all but one nomination they were in. That one really shouldn’t count because there were two “Twilight” stars nominated. How are two people supposed to one category? Anyways, Miley performed was performing her smash non-Grammy nominated hit “Party in the USA.”

During her performance, they rolled out a harmless little ice cream cart. Miley then climbed onto the cart and grabbed a hold of the umbrella pole. Since the umbrella topper fell off backstage, it looks like a stripper pole. Miley dropped it like it’s hot while holding onto the pole. Now, this was big deal because she was still Hannah Montana and an idol for hundreds of children. Parent’s feared that she would convert them into little strippers. Little did they know, they already were.

The first man to say ‘I’ma let you finish’

This was another sign from sweet baby Jesus that Kayne West would end up being in our the thing that kills us besides Donald Trump. It was the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards. Literally, the last year that they mattered until 2013 when Miley resurrected Beetlejuice in an attempt to save the long forgot award shows. Spoiler: it was a good try. 2009 was a rather big year for the country-pop darling. Her second album “Fearless” was peaking to number two on the charts. Everyone loved her and she loved everyone that she didn’t date. This was also the year she got sassy and stuck it to Joe Jonas at another award show. But we aren’t here to talk about that.

Taylor won the VMA for “Best Female Video.” She was nominated with Kelly Clarkson, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, P!nk, and Beyonce. Yup, she’s that girl that beat out Beyonce for an award. Little doe-eyed Taylor Swift was up on stage and just thanking the people who helped her. Then like a bolt of lightning, the man that would be called Yeezy stormed the stage and grabbed the mic from Taylor Swift. YOU COULD LITERALLY HEAR A PIN DROP. Then he said the following:


“Yo, Taylor, I’m really happy for you, I’mma let you finish, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time! One of the best videos of all time!”

It was then that for the first time in her life, Beyonce was SPEECHLESS. She did let out “Oh, Kanye. Oh, God.”  You might have missed it because he was being booed out of the building. It was then he was escorted out of the building and an idea came to Kris Jenner’s mind. Legend also has it that the beyhive was born and formed.

Tiger Woods hits more than just a hole in one

So this is more of petty gossip than news but this was the year of the big Tiger Woods scandal. If you don’t know who Tiger Woods is, he’s a pro golfer. He’s very famous for being good at golf. In November, the award-winning real news source, National Enquirer, reported on that Tiger Woods was sleeping around behind his then wife’s back. His ex-wife is
Elin Nordegren and she’s hotter than the Sahara desert. He would either be extremely horny or she ain’t doing it for him anymore to cheat on her.

A couple days later, Tiger got into “a little accident” with his car hitting a fire hydrant, tree, and some hedges at like 2:30 a.m. I still believe that was no accident. It wouldn’t shock me if Elin scared him off into his car in a fit of fear. I would say he was drunk but he would been drinkin something other than alcohol. Now this happened in 2010 but I cannot help but talk about it.

So after all this happened, all his mistresses started coming out of the woodwork. It was Oprah’s favorite thing but just with mistresses. It just happens to be Tiger Wood’s favorite things in 2009 was having affairs with many mistresses. “Here’s a mistress, here’s a mistress, here’s a mistress! EVERYBODY GETS A MISTRESS!” Just as the mistresses came out, all of his deals and sponsorships started to disappear faster than Elin did.

Now I could go on and on about the rise of Lady Gaga, the start of “Glee“, how much I miss Barry and Michelle. 2009 was a good year and it has aged well as one of the most iconic of the 2000s. I just hope that 2019 will be just as iconic as 2009. Fingers crossed that it will be.

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Jojo grabs her crown with the reissue of ‘Jojo’

It’s a new month and a new year. Since it’s January and this artist just re-released all of her old music, it’s only fitting to dedicate a whole month to her. Welcome to Jojo January. No, it’s for JoJo Siwa and her obsession with big bows. That’s all the jokes I’m going to make about her since she’s only like 8 years old. I’m talking about the original teen queen Jojo. There are four Fridays in January and she happens to have three albums and two extra songs on iTunes.

Growing up, I wasn’t a huge Jojo fan. I pretty much enjoyed the hits like “Leave (Get Out)” and “Too Little Too Late.” So when she re-recorded a re-released all of her older work, I decided it was time to look into her work as a whole. I need to educate myself more on the fine arts. As a musical connoisseur, I need to explore different artist. Music and Sexuality go hand and hand. You don’t know what you like until you try it. And that the tea. Anyways, let’s talk about Jojo’s self-titled debut album. Keep in mind that I’m listening to the re-issued/re-released updated version.

No tears will fall from these eyes

“Jojo” was originally released in back in the summer of 2004. It was re-released in December 2018. To make a long story short about why she re-recorded, re-worked, and re-released 14 year music, I leave you with this: label drama. The album is a mix of R&B, Pop, and hip-hop. It’s actually a very nice blend of everything. It reminded me of Ariana Grande’s first album “Yours Truly.” Which is ironic because this album was nine-years-old when Ariana Grande released it. Ariana wanted to be like Jojo. Even their high ponytails were similar. Maybe Jojo is really Ariana? *conspiracy theory*

The album itself is a really good mix. The album seems to be split into two different acts: first act before “Leave (Get Out)” and last act after “Leave (Get Out).” The main flaw with the album is that most of the songs on the album sound the same and similar. It’s not a bad thing but it’s not a good thing. It just blends together too much and you can’t tell the songs apart.

Some songs were better than others. Obviously, “Leave (Get Out)” is the stand out of the album but “City Lights,” “Breezy,” and “Baby It’s You” are also good songs as well. There are also some songs that are just meh. “Weak” is a cover but it’s just too long of a song. If they would have trimmed like two minutes off of the song, then it would have been a fine song,

Verdict

“JoJo” is a great debut album. It’s a standard debut album with debut album issues but I’ve just come to expect that when it comes to debut albums. Jojo was definitely underrated and ahead of her time. I didn’t take vocals into account for the review because of their new vocals but still. Her vocals slay and could make angels cry. I do recommend taking a listen to it because I enjoyed the album.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5

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‘Cruel Intentions 2’ is a bittersweet symphony

Get ready! This is one of those movie reviews where I watch a movie so you don’t have to. “Cruel Intentions” has become one of my favorite movies of all time. It’s so iconic that I can’t think of the 90s without thinking about this movie. It’s because of my love for “Cruel Intentions,” I decided to find and watch the sequel to it because why not. I now regret my decision and I hope that you won’t make the same mistake I did. 

Me after watching this movie.

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REVIEW OF “CRUEL INTENTIONS”

It’s a bitter sweet symphony

“Cruel Intentions 2” was the direct-to-sequel to “Cruel Intentions.” It was actually never intended to be a film. The film that we know of today was originally supposed to be a pre-sequel series entitled “Machester Prep.” It took the characters from the first film and set up the early years for Sebastian and Kathryn. The series recorded and produced three episodes before it could air. They took those three episodes, added more scenes to it, and called it “Cruel Intentions 2.” Sigh. 

Filmed by the same person that created the original, “Cruel Intentions 2” followed Sebastian as he moved in with his father and new stepmother. Sebastian must quickly adapt to his new school as well as dealing with his step-sister Kathryn. The two quickly clash due to their similar personalities. The films follow them up as they grow to use each other to help get ahead at their school and in life.

They must have been drunk/high when they though they looked like a young Ryan Phillippe and Sarah Michelle Gellar

Within in the first five minutes, I knew what kind of movie that this was going to be. I went in with low expectations but this movie wasn’t very good at all. It had all the characters and setting but didn’t capture what made the first movie so good. I get it was a television show but shots looked low quality. The movie also relied on some of the same plots of the original movie. Like the iconic kiss between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair was in the movie again. It was a farce compared to the original. And yes, I just used the word farce.

The acting in the movie was okay. There was no chemistry between any of the actors, especially the ones playing younger Sebastian and Kathyrn. For two character that was step-siblings with sexual tension, there was little to none there. The actors also don’t look anything like the actors from the first movie. It would have been nice to get someone that looks close to Ryan Phillippe and Sarah, especially when it was only a few years prior to “Cruel Intentions.”

Production of “Cruel Intentions 2” came across very rushed. While I praise the fact they made it seem like one movie and not three separate episodes put into one, the added scene doesn’t really add anything to the movie. It’s just extra nudity that I could have really done without. It felt like it was just there for the rating. They also spliced two different movies soundtracks together. Using the music from “Cruel Intentions” is absolutely fine, but music from “Jawbreakers” was also used. I don’t know if this was supposed to happen but it’s just weird.

The actual writing of the movie isn’t bad at all. If they would have shown some effort and created a better movie/show, it wouldn’t be so bad. Better actors that actually looked similar to the original actors and better production would have made it enjoyable. But this movie lost my interest before the start of the second episode. It was rather hard to watch. 

Verdict

“Cruel Intentions 2” isn’t anything like “Cruel Intentions.” I would recommend just watching once just so you can know the backstory behind Sebastian and Kathryn. There’s no replay value to it what so ever. Honestly, I could have done without it. I can see why it got canceled as a television show.

Rating: 2 out of 5

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Sweetwater Tea Episode 3: Across the river ​​to Greendale ​​we go!

Listen up fives, a ten is speaking and I’m in the mood for some chaos. Sorry to interrupt, sad breakfast club. Riverdale isn’t the only town around Sweetwater River that is hustling and bustling with drama these days. There’s been plenty to go around in the town of Greendale. Some may even say that the drama in Greendale would belong in another realm. Welcome to Sweetwater Tea.

CLICK HERE FOR LAST EDITION OF SWEETWATER TEA

There’s something magical in the air

While some may forget that Riverdale’s own Cheryl Blossom once healed a certifiable DILF with her last kiss ever to man, Greendale has people that are both magical and sassy just like the simply iconic Cheryl Bombshell. Your friendly neighborhood witches live in the town. They are just a little less friendly and a little sassier. That’s right citizens of Greendale, it’s just not the plants that are green. If you ever wanted to meet them, just head down to the local mortuary. I hear that Sabrina Spellman and the whole Spellman clan have that “magically touch” with the customers that walk in. They have a special connection to the dead.

Word around the coven is that Sabrina’s 16th birthday party was something that will always be remembered. Did you really think you could have a party without inviting moi? Maybe that why the party ended in a mob or it could have been the fact that Sabrina turned down her date with the devil? I guess that Sabrina was never taught the golden rule: better the devil you know.

Love was in the air but now it’s down the toliet

Oh, Harvey. It won’t be for long.

Unless you are new in town, then you aware of the front-runners for cutest couple award in the Baxter High. And no, I’m not talking about the vice principal that is cheating on his wife with a head cheerleader named Libby. Sabrina and Harvey Kinkle seem to be attracted to each other like a magnet. It’s like our little Sabrina has a spell placed on Harvey. But Harvey isn’t the only member of the Kinkle clan that is under Sabrina’s spell. No one hasn’t seen or heard from Harvey’s hunky older brother ever since he survived the coal mine explosion. It’s like he magically disappeared. Maybe that’s why the other kinkle sent Sabrina flying off on her broomstick alone.

But don’t you worry your little head. Sabrina seemed to bounce rather quickly. She was seen hanging around her new school with a new man. Nicholas Scratch to be exact. Whether it was just a private tutoring session or Nicholas just want to make some magic with her, it was getting hot and heavy. But before you go thinking of ship names, I’m fond of Sabrichols or Nibrina, it seemed to not go very far. Sabrina turned down the chance to participate in an orgy with young Nicholas and a few other attractive people. Apparently, three or more is a crowd for Sabrina. Or it could have been that her cousin was in there with his boo. Loosen up, Sabrina. You never want to pass up on orgy with the one you love. Especially when they look like Nicholas Scratch.

Everyone’s favorite teacher got a new look

Was I the only one that noticed the sudden change in Mary Wardwell appearance at school? It’s like she magically got a facelift overnight. One would say that she sold her soul to Satan just to look young and hot. She went from frump school teacher to a MILF. She’s so MILF-tastic that even the local pizza boy wasn’t seen after one delivery with her. Was she that good in bed or did her newest pet project Sabrina help her with something magical? Either way, there’s something dark and magically about Mary Wardwell. It’s turning all the men in Greendale on.

Didn’t think that so much tea could be spilled in the little town that Hiram Lodge doesn’t even notice? Maybe Daddykins should sell his soul and abs to Satan. Maybe then he can finally not to worry about another set of abs with red hair. If Daddykins needs any more help, he can certainly hit me up. I’ll happily distract dem abs so everyone favorites DILF can plot and scheme. I hear plotting and scheme turns the Mayor of Riverdale on. Maybe that’s how a lowly business owner in Fred Andrews was able to get in her pants more than once. So until next time, if you breathe it’s because I give you air.

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