Movie Review: ‘The Unauthorized Full House Story’

unauthorized full house

Well, it’s time again for another “unauthorized” lifetime movie that will “show the dirt” on “Full House”, the beloved television sitcom that still airs on every family network known to man, and some known to apes.  Going into this movie, I had very little expectations due to the past lifetime movie like this that showed us how twisted Dustin Diamonds mind is because “no one liked him.”

Well, it wasn’t as bad as that but it may have been worse because it’s was boring as hell and hard to watch because it looked like they were trying to be an exact replica of “Full House” but at the same was trying to be it. The set looked like they have never saw the show before and just decided to “wing it,” some of the aspects of the movie didn’t feel like it was in the same era that it should have happened. Some of outfits, styles, among other things, just felt like they modernized it. It was off-putting because most of the time, I was wondering if they really had it during this time. Another thing that bother me was the fact they just spit in the face of the “Full House” continuum. When Mary Kate & Ashley Oslen started the show, they were babies and not toddlers  They were pretty much toddlers for most of the movie.  Also, where were the catchphrases?

If you had watched the E! True Hollywood Story on the show, then there is no need to watch this movie. The movie was pretty much a wast of time. E! True Hollywood Story at least involved the real cast and didn’t just take a big crap on the show. This was just a marketing ploy to get more ratings.


Rating: .5  full houses out of 5


Movie Review: ‘The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story’


Saved by the Bell

Like most people, I was pretty excited when I heard that there was going to be a behind the scenes TV show about the classic Saturday morning TV show “Saved By the Bell.” While I was too young to watch it while it was on its original run (my dad watched “the college years”, which was a train wreck btw), I watched the show in syndication and I come to enjoy the show. Because of this and my love for watching tv movie about what happened behind the scenes of tv shows (“Growing Up Brady” is my all time favorite), I decided that I was going to watching the “Unauthorized Saved By the Bell Story” in hopes of finding out all the dirt about what happened after the bell rang, so to speak. I watched it and well, its time for me to review it.

The movie is pretty much your standard Lifetime movie train wreck. Picture it like “Degrassi” but the writers of the movie did a massive amount of drugs and alcohol before they wrote it. The movie is told through the perspective of Dustin Diamond, who played Screech. Throughout the movie, it’s talks about the behind the scenes drama….of Dustin. His fellow “Bell” (apparently that’s what the cool kids called it back in the day) castmate just happened to be around and got to share some of the screen time. Pretty much, the movie should be called “The Authorized Dustin Diamond Story: The Saved by The Bell Years” because it was all told through Dustin’s POV.

While it was just 2 hours of “Boo, my life is horrible and I’m unpopular” from Dustin Diamond, it did teach us that Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack) is really half asian, Lark Voorhies (Lisa) is a Jehovah Witness, Dustin was a depressed alcoholic during the show’s run, and the network really didn’t like these kids. I mean they REALLY didn’t like these kids. They probably would have sold them to the black market for money because they hated them that much.

The most annoying part of the movie is that it didn’t cover the goddamn college years or the new class! HOW IN THE HELL CAN YOU NOT COVER THAT??? They gave “Good Morning, Miss Bliss” like 30 minutes of the movie but only mentioned “Saved By the Bell: The College Years” for like 5 seconds as screeched talked about his fellow co-stars success after “Bell.” No one gives a fly flute about Miss Bliss. Yes, they should have mentioned it and briefly covered it because without it, there would no “Saved by the Bell.” But was it really necessary to cover it for that long and not cover “Saved by the Bell: The College Years” and “Saved by the Bell: The New Class”? Hell to no.

The movie itself is two hours that I will never get back. It was like a train wreck, you couldn’t stop watching it. It was again, too over dramatic. You couldn’t take it seriously with how dramatic it is. I was waiting for one of the girls to wind up getting knocked up by Mario Lopez (AC Slater), which was apparently a common occurrence on set but with “groupies”. It also didn’t help that the adult on the show would use the excuse that “They’re just teenagers” for everything the cast would do wrong.

Overall, it’s what you would expect for a Lifetime movie. It’s obvious that no one else would want to produce the movie because of the fact that it’s told from the POV of Dustin Diamond and that it’s a one-sided perspective. If you are bored and there is nothing on, then I would watch the movie. But other than that, I would avoid this movie like the cast of Saved by the Bell avoids Dustin Diamond.


Rating: 2.5 bottles of Jessie Spano’s caffeine pills out of 5


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Spring break trailer review, bitches

Spring Breaker banner

Fans of Selena Gomez lost their minds last Thursday after the long-awaited trailer for her new movie Spring Breakers was finally released online.  But don’t be fooled by the film’s cutes-y sounding chick-flick of a title.  This movie is anything but the G-rated Disney fare Selena fans are accustomed to, as Selena herself has stated that “People will be shocked,” by her character and the film itself.

According to imdb, the film basically revolves around four college girls who just want to leave their boring college campus, and have the quintessential spring break trip.  Oh, not to mention rob a bank to fund said trip, party it up, get thrown in jail, bailed out by a sketchy rapper (played by James Franco…seriously?), shoot some guns, do some dirty work, and god only knows what else.  The film is directed by Harmony Korine.  Haven’t heard of him?  He is the director of many equally twisted and obscure films such as Kids, Gummo, and something called Trash Humpers, (which is about exactly what you think it is…let that image just sink in).  Sound like a Disney Channel Original Movie to you? Didn’t think so. Allow us to break down the Spring Breakers trailer for you:

The trailer opens with a giant R rating from the MPAA for “strong sexual content, language, nudity, drug use and violence throughout”, meaning that unless you are 17, or have some pretty ingenious (and illegal) pirating skills, you kiddies will not be seeing this movie.  We then see the innocent, baby-faced Selena Gomez being awoken by a few of her familiar Disney-worthy friends Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Benson…oh and this Rachel Korine person who obviously just got thrown into the film because she is the director’s wife, (for now she is known as “pink hair girl”).  Immediately the girls’ desires are known from a constant, almost tribal chanting of “money” and “spring break” in the background of a montage of classrooms, dorm rooms, and standing in the rain…for some weird reason.  As the broke college girls cook up a plan to fund their escape, gangster rap replaces the chanting, and flashes of their robbery of what appears to be a restaurant are shown.  A split second later, the girls are then whisked away to “Spring Break”, in all it’s booze-y, day-glow bikini, Vespa-riding glory.  Next, it’s hello to Mr. James Franco, looking almost unrecognizable as rapper “Alien”, preaching to a crowd of spring breakers that “THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT!” and adding “Y’all” to the end of every sentence, (is that supposed to be a white rapper thing?).  Then just as the party seems to be getting started, we see the girls arrested, in a courtroom, and finally in a holding cell, all the while STILL in those bikinis (you would think they would have packed some clothes).  Busted out of jail by good old Alien, now we see that things are REALLY about to heat up, as Skrillex music blares in the background.  Cue the montage of guns shooting, James Franco’s corn row and grill shots, cases of money, solo cups, day-glow bikinis and blacklights, all the while set to constant base drops courtesy of Skrillex and another round of chanting declaring “spring break forever”.  There you have the glorious, twisted, terrifying, amazing Spring Breakers trailer, and what is sure to kick all that is remaining of Selena’s Disney image to the curb.

Watch the trailer here for yourself…We know we will about a million more times. “Spring break forever, bitches…”

Have an opinion on this movie? Leave in a comments below