Sweetwater Tea Episode 1: What the jingle jangle is happening on ‘Riverdale?’

Grab your milkshake from Pop’s because it’s about to go down. Welcome to the first edition of Sweetwater Tea.  Each week I’ll be breaking what the hell is happening on Riverdale. Since the mid-season just finished, let’s talk about the highlight of season three. Buckle up, I’m in the mood for a little chaos. WARNING: SPOILERS WILL BE AFTER THIS POINT. 

Archie is in ‘Orange is the New Black now?’ 

Yes, this all happened in a matter of eight episodes

I’m apologizing in advance, this season has been a blur. Season Three began with the trial of Archie Andrews and his abs that you can bake cookies on. Archie was found guilty after Hiram Lodge did what he does best and had the new sheriff tampered with the witness. Long story short with the Archie in jail storyline: he escapes and ends up getting acquitted thanks to Veronica and Mrs. McCoy. Oh, Sheriff ends up dead.

Archie ends up running away with Jughead to save all his friends from Hiram’s revenge. Hiram probably just wants to kill him for the amount of sex he is having with his daughter. They go visit jughead’s mother and sister after Archie showing off his glistened abs and letting a stranger hold a long ass razor to his face and shave his nonexistent facial hair off.  Turns out that Archie has a bounty on his head thanks to Hiram. It’s also on the heads of anyone that helps him. Ms. Jones calls the 2/3 of DILF squad (FP and Fred Andrews make it up with Tom Keller) to escort their sons on their respective path: Archie is running from his problems and Jughead heads back to Riverdale. 

Oh no!The kids are addicted to a RPG

Said no one ever about the Our Lady of Quiet Mercy and Murder

The main arch ends up being that Hiram Lodge is trying to use his Big Dick Energy to take full control of Riverdale. In order to do so, he uses the game Gryphons & Gargoyles. Think of a dark and twisted version of Dungeons and Dragons. The game takes over Riverdale and makes people end up taking a drug produced by at old Southside high called fizzle rocks. The drugs end up making people have seizures and see things. While Hiram and his big dick are the villains of the season, the gang are trying to figure who the hell is the creepy gargoyle king.

The game and the king turns out to be a tool the sisters at Our Lady of Quiet Mercy and Murder use to keep the “bad girls” in line. Apparently, 5 Seconds of Summer didn’t teach them that good girls are bad girls that haven’t been caught. They also a testing ground for Hiram and his fizzle rocks. There was also some character building side plots but for the sake of time, I’ll skip over it. That’s even harder to explain. Caught up? Probably not but it will do. Let’s get into the tea

How stupid can the main four be?

Betty, Veronica, Archie, and Jughead having just been acting like total dumbasses this season. Archie is just too trusting of a person. Like he’s just a set of abs and lacks little common sense. He just lets everyone in on his life and plans when he is on the run. Did his parent teach him not to talk to strangers? Probably not, his parents are Molly Ringwald and Luke Perry. They were teen royalty back in the day.

I volunteer to hose down Archiekins

Veronica is trying to take down and be two steps of her daddykins but yet she keeps telling her parents all about her info she finds out. Like what’s the point of even trying if you are just going to spill the beans. Loose lips sink ships, Ronnie! Then she hasn’t caught on that Reggie wants in her skirt. She’s a single gal now. I fully support and ship Veggie. I’m still hoping for Kerchie to happen. Finger crossed. 

Betty and Jughead just need to stop having sex in the dead kid’s bunker. I would ask them if they could have sex in any other place besides there but Lili Reinhart answered that for me on twitter. They are smart of half of the main four but like c’mon guys. You are making me want to be Team Daddykins. In fact, both couples are rabbits. They are having sex like left and right. Do you guys not have anything else do to? As Lili said in her tweet to me “The answer is no.” They all need a good hose down. 

Don’t mess with Hiram Lodge

Nothing is out of his control. NOTHING. 

After how dumb everyone that isn’t Josie, Kevin, Cheryl, and Toni is, I’ve joined Team Daddykins. Besides the fact that Hiram leaves you slightly turned on and pissed on, he has this entire town under this finger. His wife is the mayor and he has his hands in all the pots. In one episode where it was three separate stories, he was involved in EVERY SINGLE ONE. While it’s all shade business dealings, he has plans and a bunch of backup plans. You can’t make him nervous. Unless you happen to be a ripped red-head sticking it to his daughter every five minutes. He’s either very jealous or just wants Archie for himself. That’s a plot twist for you. But I’m fully supporting him just so he knocks some sense and brains into the main four. Team Daddykins for life!

Riverdale: The Purge

ICONIC QUEEN

The midseason finale ended with Veronica’s mother having the city of Riverdale locked down because Hiram has the governor of whatever state they are in working for him as well. So it’s like the purge. No one can enter and no one can leave. We also know that Cheryl is preparing for war. When the iconic queen, who has gotten the shaft so far, is going war. WE ALL GO TO WAR. Cheryl and her bow are all Riverdale need to save the town.

It looks like the rest of the season is going to be a real barn burner. I just wish that it made more sense but it’s “Riverdale.” Does “Riverdale” ever make sense? I hope you enjoyed the first episode of Sweetwater Tea. It returns when “Riverdale” comes back on January 16th. Until then, I recommend rewatching because you’ll need it. It’s been a confusing season. 

Leave your thoughts/tea in the comments below. Make sure you follow me on Twitter for more of that tea.

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Ariana Grande releases docuseries about ‘Dangerous Woman’ series

Still feeling like a Dangerous Woman

On Thursday, November 29th Ariana Grande pulled a Shane Dawson and released a docuseries that focused on her 2017 “Dangerous Woman” tour. “Dangerous Woman Diaries” were highly anticipated as it was a behind the scenes look at the tour and looked like it would also have performances on there. The release of this docuseries also happens to hype her newest video “Thank U, Next.” Well timed, Miss Butera, well timed.

CLICK HERE FOR THE REVIEW OF “DANGEROUS WOMAN” ALBUM

Before I go any further into the review, let’s get one thing straight: I’m very glad she released the “Dangerous Woman Diaries.” I wasn’t able to go to see the tour so I didn’t experience it. I’m stating this first because here is the part where I have to nonobjective and review it like I would any other. As a Ariana Grande fan, I enjoyed it. But as a journalist and reviewer, I had mixed feelings. 

“Dangerous Woman Diaries” is pretty much your standard concert movie. It full of the performances from the tour as well as little behind the scenes bits from tour and Ariana’s life. It’s split into four different episodes: one episode covers “Sweetener” and the other three is the tour and performances. It’s all amateur footage as well. So there are times where it’s like you are literally watching the video on YouTube, which is where the series is ironically, and there’s also times that it looks likes a full production.

I honestly liked how personal the series felt. You got a closer look at what’s its like to be on tour with Ariana as well as got to get see how close their crew is thoughout the tour. The footage help and hurt the overall experience. While the raw handy cam footage worked for those personal moments, it hurt the performances. There was times where you would have professional HD footage that look something that you would get on a full fledge concert DVD. Then it go to handy cam footage that was good quality but something that you would have found on YouTube from a fan. It’s sketchy but not as clear as the previous footage. It literally looks like a fan-made DVD of the concert. There you go, I said it!

I can forgive the fan-made DVD aspect but here are the unforgive able things that I just can’t let slide. After the first episode, they have given “Dangerous Woman Diaries” a TV-MA. What is funny about that is the fact it’s still censored. And it’s not like casually censored. Take her performance of “Everyday.” When she sings “He’s giving me that good shit/that makes me not quit,” a loud and obnoxious bleep is played when shit comes up. This is for most swear words like that you don’t really ear on TV before 9 PM.  I’m pretty sure she just trolling us but like, why? Why give something a TV-MA rating and have it censored like that? I reminded me of that Miley concert DVD that did the same thing. It’s unnecessary and making me think it’s going to uncensored. We’ve heard Ariana swear before so don’t censor it.

The fact that this entire docuseries seems like a half-assed rush job is the biggest downfall. Between the editing and some of the things they decided to do with it, I feel like Frankie edited for 50k followers, a pack of glitter, and 50 cents in iMovie. It’s less of the concert footage but more so on the overall product. Like the last episode, which covers the Manchester bombings, is just one rushed product.

Some of the performances aren’t the full songs. The parts about the bombings are just blocks of text letter before an emotional performance of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Like if they combined the two, it would have been some much better. Also would have added me or emotion to it. Reading that letter killed any emotion. I don’t if it was supposed to be like that or a last minute decision. I just wish they would have spent more time on the entire series.

Verdict

“Dangerous Woman Diaries” isn’t a bad docuseries at all. Again, I enjoyed it as a Ariana Grande fan. It allowed me to see what everyone was talking about when they discussing her tour. The rushed final product and the unneeded censorship on something that’s rated TV-MA is really what brought it down a little bit. I do recommend watching this. It does give you more insight on “Sweetener” and Ariana herself. All of the “Dangerous Woman Diaries” episodes is currently available on YouTube Premium, formerly YouTube Red. If you don’t have YouTube Premium, then one will released a week. Again, I do recommend checking it out. 

Rating: 2 out of 5

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Series Review: ‘Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’

Everything is not what it seems

October seems to be the month of gritty teen reboots. I’M HERE FOR IT. I recently just finished the newest reboot that will literally not allow me to look at an animal the same. Let’s dive into the world of “Riverdale” and go see a witch. A teenage witch. That’s right, let’s talk about “Chilling Adventures of Sabrina.”

“Chilling Adventures of Sabrina” follows Sabrina Spellman, who tries to navigate her life as a normal teenage girl in Greendale and a witch for her coven. With the help of her aunties, Hilda and Zelda, as well as her cousin Ambrose, she must also fend the evil that is trying to convert her over to their side

This show isn’t anything like the show we knew growing up. If you walked into this expecting it to be similar to The WB/ABC show “Sabrina, the Teenage Witch.”  This isn’t the fun loving comedic Sabrina we have come to know and love. There are comedic moments in the show but it’s more dark comedy. This show is creepy af. It’s hard to believe that it takes place just down the road from Riverdale and Degrassi. Yes, in my world, Riverdale and Degrassi are in the same universe. It’s the only way that all the shit that goes down unnoticed makes sense.

The darker tones fits the show so well. The witches on the show worship Satan. They are trying to appease the dark lord and do his bidding on the show. If that doesn’t let you know what kind of show this is then I don’t know what will. The show has a TV-14 rating and they go over that to the point where it makes me wonder why they didn’t get a TV-MA rating. I’m hoping that there’s an unrated version because frankly, I just want to see how dark it will actually be if they didn’t have that rating.

The acting on the show is extremely well done. You really get to see and understand each character. You get to see the character grow and change and it truly feels good when things go their way. There is some similarity between the Spellman clan in both series. But these characters are willing to do some dark things to get what want. They play with some dark shit in this show. And still, you end up relating to these characters and fall for them. Yes, Harvey and Sabrina are still totes adorable. I just wish there was dark version of Libby.

The camera work on the show is something that is my biggest problem with it. It’s more so the effects they added in post-production. Sometimes it works but other times it’s just annoying and takes away from what’s going on in the shot. I get what they were trying to do with it but it doesn’t always stick. It does more harm than good.

The show also has a tad bit of the same issues that “Riverdale” has as well when it comes to pacing. Luckily for “Chilling Adventures of Sabrina,” it’s more so that I wanted them to expand on things and not rush through things. It was so fast paced sometimes that you didn’t notice story lines that much. Like, the season finale should have been two episodes instead of just one. While it was an enjoyable and thrilling finale, it could have been more epic. There was also minor plot holes but you can rule that off as just being because of magic. They had a magical induced orgy on the show.

Verdict

“Chilling Adventures of Sabrina” is a must watch show. It’s thrilling and will keep you into the show for months to come. I highly recommend checking it out, especially if you enjoy what’s going on in the River-verse. Don’t worry, I’ll work on a better name. It is very dark. If you aren’t into dark show, then I wouldn’t watch it. But it’s more freaky and creepy than scary. It will leave you with mixture of feeling shook and creeped out.

Rating: 2 out of 5

 

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Time to go to school in Netflix newest series ‘Elite’

El cinturón de seguridad, Perras

As you may or may not already know, I have a deep love and wish to be in a Telenovela. That’s a Spanish soap opera. It’s something about people being overly dramatic and randomly yell “Que?” that peaks my interest. Netflix recently released a new telenovela that has me yelling at the television. In case you have lived under a rock, don’t worry-I got you covered.

Doesn’t this show look like life?

“Elite” is a mixture of “Riverdale” meets “Gossip Girl.” Netflix then takes that and gives it a shot of heroin. The show follows a mystery as a student has been murdered in the middle of a class war. The wealthy students aren’t fans of the new non-wealthy students that arrived due to an accident that closed down their school. The show follows the history of events that occurred leading up to the murder of the student. It also covers topics like Islamophobia, sexuality, relationships, and drug use. All the good teen drama topics.

The show itself is well paced and keeping everything interest as you really don’t have an idea who is the actual killer is until the very last moments. Each character is interesting and you actually get time to know the characters. There really wasn’t a character that I hated because you know the back story for each character and their motivates for why they are doing things. So you just feel bad for them instead of just hate them. I did hate some of the parents but that is what you get when you deal with the teen telenovela.

This isn’t your grandmother telenovela. It’s rated TV-MA. Like, its graphic when it comes to sex. You will see a lot of ass, very nice asses, and boobs. There’s also a lot of simulated sex, both hetero and homosexual sex. We’ll get into that tea a little lower down in this. Honestly, it’s nothing new but there’s just lots of sex happening. It makes sense since they are all horny teenagers with money and good looks. They are pretty much just banging each other.

This show has so much LGBTQA that it’s EVERYTHING. There’s a gay couple who is struggling with acceptance of their family and friends. They are off and on during the series, like in any good telenovela. They are cute too. There’s even some experimenting between two men and like it does DOWN for them. The representation in this show was just so nice to see. Even the fact they show different sides of family and friends accepting their son’s sexuality. They really did do an amazing job with LGBTQA in this show. I honestly cannot wait to see what will happen in season two.

The Verdict

Overall, I highly recommend watching “Elite.” There is an English audio track that can you use to still enjoy the goodness that is “Elite.” It’s like those old school Japanese Godzilla movies. I’m going to listen to the Spanish audio with English subtitles the next time around I watch it. I’m going to watch it again. I really enjoyed it. It did take a while for it to get good. When it got good, it was SO GOOD. It’s 8 episodes with each being one hour. It’s honestly worth binging. My only complaint is that the end felt a little rushed. I wish that they would have gone more in-depth about it.

Rating: 4 out of 5

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