I watched my first ever episode of ‘The Bachelor’

Back in 2014, I wrote a little piece literally titled “How ‘The Bachelor’ is outside stupid.” After watching my first ever episode of “The Bachelor,” I am slightly sorry that I did such a rash judgment on the show because frankly, this show is just the gift that keeps on giving.

What is love?

So I grew up on the trashy VH1 reality shows like “Flavor of Love,” “Rock of Love,” and “I Love New York.” It was those feels of “This is a train wreck” that I got from this show. From iconic lines like “I haven’t been with a virgin since I was 12,” to one girl staking her claim as the bitchy villain, I was INTO THIS SHOW.

I began to question my decision when it was the first episode I watched was three hours long. THREE HOURS. Most of which was just filler. There were two people just chilling in the inflatable hot tub located in the middle of a parking lot. I’m pretty sure they were in the hot tub the entire three hours. Then they were going to “parties” across the country where there were fans with people that I think have some sort of ties to the show but honestly, it was lost on me besides the fact that it was a mess. There were some proposals but I was enthralled by some of the fans were drunk/high. Like it’s was blatantly obvious.

Then they would act like they didn’t cut back and forth from pre-recorded video. Like the host, Chris Harrison, would be standing at one of the parties. He would then cut to the actually episode and totally act like Chris wasn’t just standing there with a live studio audience. Then they would cut back to Chris in the studio audience. They are just acting like that never happened. It’s like Chris just ran from point A to point B in a millisecond. At least acknowledge it whether joking or serious.

Like a Virgin

Meet Colton Underwood. The virgin bachelor that they keep reminds us about

The best part of the entire episode was the ladies meeting the bachelor. Now, I had no clue who Colton Underwood was until this episode. I was literally just googling him trying to figure out his past on “The Bachelorette.” There was even a super long scene of Colton showering. Then the intros for some of the ladies were just so awkward. They were trying to be so serious but it wasn’t. The “Big Brother” intros were so much better. They didn’t take themselves too seriously. I think these ladies believe that Colton will be watching these intros. Spoiler: He’s too busy showering for the cameras.

Meeting the ladies of his life

Colton meeting the ladies was the start of the trainwreck. There was a sloth that started to head over towards before the commercial break and then was still going after the commercial break. Then one girl literally gave him her dog. The next girl came out like Cinderella. It was a shit show. I was here for this shit show. There was also a ton of virgin jokes. It was a chance to see how cringy all these girls are. They were cringy af. here was some drama but it really wasn’t anything massive.

Him showering when on for like 3-5 in different showers and in different parts of the world

Then the rose ceremony was just over the top. Like just throw these girls in a cage and let them fight it out over you boo. But I was sitting going “I hope this bitch doesn’t get one.” Of course, that bitch got one. I deeply invested in the show. Then the best moment of the ceremony was that they had them leaving the house in the morning. That’s right, the ladies that didn’t get a rose got to do the walk of shame. Oh, Cinderella got eliminated and they had a pumpkin just sitting there as she did the walk of shame. I’m pretty sure Colton is the first virgin to have five women do the dreaded walk of shame.

During the entire time, I was cringing and living for every moment. I’m now fully committed in and into watching Colton Underwood lose his virginity and hopefully find love. Again, please forgive me for all my past criticisms of this beautiful trainwreck. I’m now all in. Please give me more.

Leave your thoughts/tea in the comments below. Make sure you follow me on Twitter for more of that tea.

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Dancing with the….yeah, we ran out of Stars

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Well it’s time for another “thrilling” season of ABC’s Dancing With the Stars. This season they decided to add a twist into the show but not including hardly any stars into the mix for what I’m calling “Dancing With the bottom of the barrel of Stars.”

Here’s the list of the “stars” that are participating and why they are “stars:”

Tamara Braxton– she’s a singer, talk show host, and reality television personality. She’s also Toni Braxton’s little sister.

Gary Busey– He’s an “actor” and reality train wreck. He’s there for ratings

Nick Carter– He’s a Backstreet Boy….wait, is a Boy Bander really in a Dancing competition?? That seems a bit unfair.

Paula Deen– She’s a chef and a racist! She’s just there for ratings and the feeling that anything can happen LIVE! Rumor has it that she’s going to rub butter all over the dance floor.

Victor Espinoza– He’s a Jockey…..yeah, that’s how far in the barrel they had to dig.

Andy Grammer- He’s a singer whose last name is spelled wrong

Hayes Grier- He’s on Vine and makes more money in 7 seconds than you do…and he never lets you forget it. Oh, his brother is also a “Viner.”

Bindi Irwin– She’s a hero to animals, former rapper/singer, and she acts. Her father was the Crocodile Hunter

Chaka Khan– She’s a famous singer that no one under the age of 30 probably never heard of. She’s not to be mistaken for the Khan that killed Spock, or Kirk in the newer Star Trek Movie.

Carlos PenaVega- He’s an actor and singer. He was in “Big Time Rush.”

Alexa PenaVega– She’s an actress and singer. She was the bitchy sister in the Spy Kids movie and did that one show on ABC Family that was so bad, it’s no longer mentioned like it’s HeWhoMustNotBeNamed!!.  She’s also married to Carlos. I think they did this on a dare.

Alek Skarlatos– He saved people from a train……I’m not going to make fun of him because that’s really cool.

Kim Zolciak– She’s a Real Housewive….that’s right, they pulled a “star” from Bravo. They really are desperate.

 

That is the cast of “Dancing With the bottom of the barrel of Stars.” It’s starts on September 14. I would continue with “this is going to be the first season where half of the ‘stars’ no one knows” but that would be a lie…it’s not the first but it won’t be the last, sadly.

How The Bachelor is outdated and stupid

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Bacelhor

Since 2002, our televisions have been plagued with the show that has women, and some men, believing that you can find love on a reality television. That show is “The Bachelor”. While this show was a head of its time, like the dying American Idol, it’s pretty much outdated-and let’s be real, stupid. I know that I may be telling half of my audience that their favorite show is horrible, but hear me out before you go “Boy, you must be trippin’ “.

The show itself doesn’t really find love per say. The guy who is trying to find love is pretty much guaranteed to pick a girl, date her for a while, possible get engaged before they break up and either get their own spin-off, date a cast-mate that failed on a spin-off/their season or just marry someone they met the old fashion way. It took 17 season for the bachelor to actually get into a serious relationship with the winner (Sean and Catherine are supposed to get married later this month).  It’s also extremely popular to give it the college try to allow some of the guys who was the Bachelor previously try again at love and still fail at it (spoiler: this is when they need a boost in the ratings).

And since the show became a money-making machine, it’s starting to be really hard to believe that all of those girls and guys on there are actually trying to find love these days. I bet most of the people on the show because they would like their 15 minutes of fame. In the beginning seasons, sure I’d believe it but it’s common knowledge now how much fame each contestant and bachelor gets. You’re pretty much signing up for a 13 episodes plus potential to be on ABC’s crappy Dancing with the Stars (once you have Bill Nye on there, your show is going down hill) and a spin-off on “The Bachelorette” (or the opposite if you were on “The Bachelor” ).

Don’t even get me started on “rose ceremony” part of this show. I really just want to say “Dude, obviously you’re not Oprah because you can’t even give afford to everyone a rose” because it’s rather stupid. Don’t make the girl (s) that you don’t want to “get with” (and let’s be real-the show is really just one big booty call) stand there as everyone else gets a rose and then she’s pretty much humiliated in front of millions of people as she’s the only one without a rose and everyone is standing awkwardly as you tell her in front of all them why you don’t want to jump her bones. After you think that the humiliation is over, she is then forced to exit BY HERSELF! At least leave the girl with her dignity and pull her aside and tell her “Hey, I don’t want to knock boots. It’s not you, it’s me!” and let it be.

The bottom-line is that It’s one big joke and it just needs to stop…or at least become one interesting…let’s add sharks or explosions or something.

Oh my lucky stars! It’s actresses that aren’t known for singing

Actresscantsingwell

In the world of hollywood these days, it’s extremely common for celebrities to be able to do multiple skills (i.e. Sing/Dance, Sing/Dance/Act). Well sometimes actresses think they are the next “J-Lo” and then their singing careers just don’t take off. We’ve compiled a list of actresses that aren’t know for their singing careers. Here a few that made us cringe or just are overshadowed by something they did.

Victoria Justice

Everyone remembers Victoria Justice, or Vicky J as we call her, as the star of the hit Nickelodeon show “VICTORiOUS”. After rumors spread that she ended the show because she wanted her own solo tour instead of a cast tour, Victoria took a break from acting to focus on her “music” (aka do nothing because it never seems like anyone who says they are going to focus on music does a lot).  Vicky J is also the rumored bully of the second coming of Mariah Carey, Ariana Grande. So I think the fans of the world finds the irony in the fact that Ariana has a hit album and Vicky J has…well a song that went Gold with Zumba. Either way, Vicky J is now one of the actresses that doesn’t have a successful singing career…or even a successful acting career either at this point. She’s just getting her Zumba on and no one really cares. Hey Vicky J, say hi to Ariana Grande as she’s on tour with a hit album that actually didn’t go gold…but rather Platinum.

Emily Osment

You remember her as Hannah Montana’s best friend that really couldn’t sing but then magically could in the series finale as she sang subconsciously with Miley “I’m secretly learning how to twerk behind my daddy’s back” Cyrus. This, along with Disney needing to fill their quota of Disney stars that could sing, proceed to have Emily Osment think that she could have a singing career. Granted, Emily does have a good voice, probably a little better than the 2010s Disney Queen Miley and probably could have had the career that Miley has had, minus the foam finger and twerk all up on Beetlejuice part. But she probably turned may people off when she told them “Let’s be friends so we can make out” in song off of her début album. Emily, you’re pretty but that’s just too forward for people but I give you props for telling them your intentions right out of the gate.

Miranda Cosgrove

Miranda Cosgrove is a victim….a victim of the war between Nickelodeon and Disney Channel and we are a victim of having to hear her sing. Miranda was the star of one of the first breakout shows of the late 2000’s Nickelodeon boom, iCarly,  and was up against Disney’s powerhouse show, Hannah Montana. They decided that “Hey, Miranda can carry a tune! Let’s get her to sing a song or three on the iCarly soundtrack” and that’s how her first single “About You Now” was released. Slowly as time grew on, Miranda thought she could sing and she even released her own album and went on tour when we all really wished that she could stop.  Nowadays, Miranda isn’t acting that much but she is working on her second album…let’s hold in our excitement. Especially after she released this on her YouTube Channel:

Hilary Duff

Hilary Duff really isn’t that great of a singer! There, I said it! Hilary was the face of the Disney Channel for 65 episodes, the Disney standard for the early 2000s, of her show “Lizze McGuire”  where we learned that Hilary had a voice…a voice that sounded like she was talking but talking to a jaunty tune.  Disney jumped on this and began their “pimping”  their stars and signed Hilary to their record company, Hollywood Records (she’s still with them too!) and she’s been poppin’ out albums (and the occasionally baby) ever since even though the first one was probably enough.  Don’t get me wrong, Hilary a better singer than most of the Disney stars that came after her but she really should have only released one album. She’s more of a one album joy instead of a 5 album and two compilation albums joy. Don’t quit your day job, Hilary.

Kim Kardashian

This is pretty much self-explanatory. Kim Kardashian released her one, and thankfully only song, for the children. Too bad those children will be scared for life after listening to that song because frankly, it will leave someone begging for their lives. Like most venereal diseases, the song is catchy. It’s three words chorus, which is a lot for her, and will leave you going “Turn me up, Turn Me up” all day to the point where you will want to stab your vocal cords. Like her marriage to Kris Humphries, her singing career ended as quickly as it started. Now if only her family will disappear from our television sets.

Heidi Montag

Oh dear, the one we wish would stop singing. Heidi Montag and her crystal obsessed Husband, Spencer Pratt, having been plaguing our television since the monster known as “Speidi” appeared on “The Hills”. It was only a matter of time before the hated couple (they are more hated than the Kardashians) decided that they were going to try to capitalize on their “success”. Their version of this is by making Heidi think she can sing.  And if seeing them every week wasn’t torture enough, they were going to make us listen to her sing as well. Heidi’s début album “Superficial”, such a fitting name for it too, was……well, Kim Kardashian’s album would have been better, even if she was saying the same three words every moment of ever day. It’s literally the worst album in the history of civilization. Luckily for us, Heidi is working on a follow-up…….yay. If there is one album I could live without, it’s the follow up to her. Nope, I lied. It would be a tie between her first album and then this second album.  But I would like to thank Miss Heidi Montag for scaring me for life with her music like she scared up after her massive amounts of plastic surgeries.

Paris Hilton

This, again, is pretty much self-explanatory. The Heiress extraordinaire Paris Hilton has made a name for self by just being herself….and by releasing a sex tape. The Simple Life star also decided that she could sing and wanted to share it with the world. She taught us so much information in her first album.  She taught us that no only are the stars blind but they are also deaf, that Nothing in the World will stop her from hitting on a teenager and making him feel alright in a music video, and that auto tuning can’t fix everything.  Maybe her album is the reason Tinkerbell is no longer with us? Then she sang her theme song for her show chronicling her never-ending search for a BFF. And who could forget her presidential theme song (HILTON 2016):

Bella Thorne

Don’t know who this is? Don’t worry, you aren’t missing out.  Bella Thorne was on a little Disney Channel gem called ‘Shake it Up” and that show pretty much sucked. It wasn’t as bad a A.N.T. Farm but it still sucked. Like all the Disney Darling’s before her, Disney decided to “pimp out” both her and co-star Zendaya for all the money they are worth. Bella’s music wasn’t as beautiful as her name is in Italian and Spanish. Her only “hit” was kinda like Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok” but it was stupid and sucked more than Heidi Montag’s liposuction did.  They even tried to mash-up with Zendaya’s real hit song but that just sounded awkward so Disney thought, “Hey, Let’s just let her record another song”. Sadly, the song sucked worse and made millions of people HATE her even more.  It took Disney at least until the end of “Shake it Up” to realize that they shouldn’t have Bella sing so they stopped giving all the attention to her and focused on Zendaya, who actually better way better than Bella.  Bella Thorne, and Heidi Montag, is the reason not everyone should be made to believe they can sing.