Back in 2014, I wrote a little piece literally titled “How ‘The Bachelor’ is outside stupid.” After watching my first ever episode of “The Bachelor,” I am slightly sorry that I did such a rash judgment on the show because frankly, this show is just the gift that keeps on giving.
What is love?
So I grew up on the trashy VH1 reality shows like “Flavor of Love,” “Rock of Love,” and “I Love New York.” It was those feels of “This is a train wreck” that I got from this show. From iconic lines like “I haven’t been with a virgin since I was 12,” to one girl staking her claim as the bitchy villain, I was INTO THIS SHOW.
I began to question my decision when it was the first episode I watched was three hours long. THREE HOURS. Most of which was just filler. There were two people just chilling in the inflatable hot tub located in the middle of a parking lot. I’m pretty sure they were in the hot tub the entire three hours. Then they were going to “parties” across the country where there were fans with people that I think have some sort of ties to the show but honestly, it was lost on me besides the fact that it was a mess. There were some proposals but I was enthralled by some of the fans were drunk/high. Like it’s was blatantly obvious.
Then they would act like they didn’t cut back and forth from pre-recorded video. Like the host, Chris Harrison, would be standing at one of the parties. He would then cut to the actually episode and totally act like Chris wasn’t just standing there with a live studio audience. Then they would cut back to Chris in the studio audience. They are just acting like that never happened. It’s like Chris just ran from point A to point B in a millisecond. At least acknowledge it whether joking or serious.
Like a Virgin
The best part of the entire episode was the ladies meeting the bachelor. Now, I had no clue who Colton Underwood was until this episode. I was literally just googling him trying to figure out his past on “The Bachelorette.” There was even a super long scene of Colton showering. Then the intros for some of the ladies were just so awkward. They were trying to be so serious but it wasn’t. The “Big Brother” intros were so much better. They didn’t take themselves too seriously. I think these ladies believe that Colton will be watching these intros. Spoiler: He’s too busy showering for the cameras.
Meeting the ladies of his life
Colton meeting the ladies was the start of the trainwreck. There was a sloth that started to head over towards before the commercial break and then was still going after the commercial break. Then one girl literally gave him her dog. The next girl came out like Cinderella. It was a shit show. I was here for this shit show. There was also a ton of virgin jokes. It was a chance to see how cringy all these girls are. They were cringy af. here was some drama but it really wasn’t anything massive.
Then the rose ceremony was just over the top. Like just throw these girls in a cage and let them fight it out over you boo. But I was sitting going “I hope this bitch doesn’t get one.” Of course, that bitch got one. I deeply invested in the show. Then the best moment of the ceremony was that they had them leaving the house in the morning. That’s right, the ladies that didn’t get a rose got to do the walk of shame. Oh, Cinderella got eliminated and they had a pumpkin just sitting there as she did the walk of shame. I’m pretty sure Colton is the first virgin to have five women do the dreaded walk of shame.
During the entire time, I was cringing and living for every moment. I’m now fully committed in and into watching Colton Underwood lose his virginity and hopefully find love. Again, please forgive me for all my past criticisms of this beautiful trainwreck. I’m now all in. Please give me more.
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