Sweetwater Tea Episode 7: Bizarrodale

Listen up fives, a ten is speaking and I’m in the mood for some chaos. Sorry to interrupt, sad breakfast club. Are we still in Riverdale? Hiram and A have seemed to have made peace, Hermikins is a drug dealer, and Ronnie has turned into a sassier version of Daddykins. But one thing has stayed the same: Betty Cooper is a still a nosey bitch. Welcome to Sweetwater Tea.

Don’t look so judgemental, V. You’re secrets will soon be out.

Click here to read the last week edition of Sweetwater Tea

Between 2 closets

Welcome Back, HBIC

While Valentine’s Day is a week away, love was in the water here in the town with pep and someone was feeling like being Cupid Bombshell this week. That’s right ladies and Kevin Keller, Cheryl Majorie Blossom has donned her HBIC pearls once again. No one was ready for the Bombshell that she would be dropping. Even I was shaken by the tea she brought. One person who wasn’t was her lover. Turns out that T pulled out her lady balls out C’s iconic clutch and gave her a piece of her mind. All it took was Cheryl publically outing Moosiekins and throwing her privilege to make Tonikins put the HBIC in her place. And they had their first fight in the Girl’s bathroom too. How 90’s teen drama.

Turns out there was a softer side of Cherylkins. And with this softer side, we got a show Bravo talk show with Cheryl and Kevin. While they talked about love and Kevin’s love for closet cases, it shockingly didn’t end with them kissing nor with C giving K a fashion makeover. Les-be-honest, K needs one. C and T even team up for a little destruction as they drag Mommy Whorest to her knees. A place she’s used to. Turns out when you screw with Cheryl’s future, she gets out the whip. Sounds like the S&M runs in the family. C even gets Toni her own little gang. Nothing says love like getting your girlfriend a gang. Kinky. If I was the serpents, I’d watch out for the Choni and their gang of temperamental bitches. Pretty Poisons are their name and they are out for blood.

Mason Family Values

Are you there, God? Has hell frozen over Riverdale again? My cold heart shed a tear as Moose Mason finally had the balls to admit to his father to that he likes Kevin, who is apparently not a female. It looked like Keviekins was finally going to get loved. They even decided to break into the sex bunker in their own reboot called “Brokeback Riverdale.” It’s just too bad that anything but sex happened in the bunker. I was so waiting to watch that reboot too.

You’re not the only one shocked to see Moosiekins leave his closet, K

Turns out that the Mason family keeps all their secrets in basement instead of their closets. Mr. Mason turned into the biggest cockblocker of all time. Not only did he block his own son, but he also blocked every teen in Riverdale. Minus Archie….Archie was saving it for Keviekins. Again, a girl can dream. Turns out that Mr. Mason had a thing for Daddy Keller. Can you really blame him on that one? But unlike his son, he was sent to Our Sisters of Mercy and Murder. Apparently, Granddaddy Mason wanted Mr. M to “pray the gay away” with the Gargoyle King. Those bitches.

In order to prevent his son from losing his V card, and to prevent Daddy Keller from marrying anyone but him, he went extra as fuck. Mr. M reunited The Midnight Club as a distraction to raid the bunker and forced Koose to play a kinky game of G&G. Apparently, we have been playing it wrong this whole time. Before anyone could get the poison, the HBIC came in with a SWAT time to save the day. Mr. M thought he and his brainwashed RROTC could scare the gay out of Moose. But the only thing he would pray away will be Big Johnny.

Sadly, this is Riverdale after. Did you really think Kevin would get a happy ever after? While Mr. Mason is living out his fantasy of a prison threesome with Hal Cooper and Penelope Blossom, Moosiekins is heading out of town to stay with his aunt. If you are worried about Keviekins, don’t worry. He was spotted sulking in Fox Forest while swiping right on Bumble. Doesn’t he know that Grindr is more his speed for what happens in Fox Forest?

Love, Riverdale Style

Let’s take a pause from the tea, to give you some breaking news. This tea is just too hot not to spill. Apparently, little Josie McCoy likes to shop in the dark and brooding part of Bed, Bath and Beyond. During the summer, Josiekins had the thing for Sweet Pea. Scandalous that the former mayor’s daughter once had a thing for the kid from the wrong side of the tracks. I wonder if J went through the other scents too. I hear that daddy Fangs, aka cucumber melon, is one with a bite. Any girl would be lucky to catch that serpent. Just ask Midge…oh wait. Now, back to our regularly scheduled tea.

Josie in the City

Seems like our little Pussycat has her claw set into the Big Apple. Turns out that Josiekins had an audition with Julliard. Oh J, did you really think you could get into The Julliard School with only having long tail and ears for hats under your belt? Or did you think your experience in one musical could get you into a performing art school like Julliard?

While J didn’t get into Julliard, she did get into a certain red-headed mouth. Sorry Cheryl, but it wasn’t you. After singing a duet, she and Archiekins were seen kissing in a well-aimed spotlight. Let me be the first to welcome Josiekins into the Lips of Riverdale. Everyone has kissed everyone…well, minus Kevin. There’s still time for that for Keviekins. But it seems like everyone falls for Archie and his wonder abs.

Veggie Drug Tales

You’re Welcome

Oh, Ronniekins, did you really think you’re little plan wouldn’t have a consequence? It’s not Daddykins you are dealing with, after all. Turns out Hermikins still owes her dealer some money. And instead of enlisting her team, she punishes Ronnie and her boy-toy with abs to come up with a plan to get it back. It seems like Hiram didn’t teach Hermione how to be a sexy crime lord.

The Drug Dealer turns out to be Juggiekins’ mommy. While she might be a BILF, she’s at least a BILF with a big heart. Gladys took pity on Veggie and gave them more time to get her the money she needs. Was it really out of the kindness of her heart? Or is Gladykins looking to sink her teeth into something bigger than just some petty drug money? Oh Hermione, If I was you, I’d leave all the business ventures to Hiram and Ronnie. Especially since it appears you opened a can of worms that you cannot close.

While things seem to be cooling down for Valentine’s day in our little town, you’re about to get a heatwave. It’s going to get hot and heavy and not in a good way. What do Miss FP and her daughter Jolly Rancher have up their sleeve now that they are back in town? It seems like the Lodge empire is getting ready to come crashing down around the first family of Riverdale. I wonder how Daddykins will get himself out of the mess that his lovely wife has gotten them into. Grab your daddy cane and daddy fur coat Hiram, because you need to keep warm once you are living in the street. Oh, and what happened to Falice? I wonder if it has to do with Edgar Neverever, who might be Edgar Alwaysever if you know what I mean. Until next time, kiddos: if you breathe, it is because I give you air.

P.S. Just because this tea party is over, doesn’t mean we can’t have another. Follow me, Sweetwater Bombshell, on Twitter. If you thought this tea was good, then you haven’t seen anything yet.

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Sweetwater Tea Episode 6: The Red Dahlia

Listen up fives, a ten is speaking and I’m in the mood for some chaos. Sorry to interrupt, sad breakfast club. The hounds are out in the town with pep. Someone decided to take a shot at Daddy. While it didn’t put Daddy into time out, someone will be grounded after this. While I wouldn’t mind a punishment from BDE Hiram Lodge, this kind of grounded will be more than one week. Was it Ronnie and Reggie taking a stand? Or did Archie inner demons take control of his soul? I think you better call an exorcist kiddos, either way. Someone is going to need a priest when it’s all said and done. Welcome to Sweetwater Tea.

Sorry, C. Even your bow and arrows with a side of sassy won’t be able to stop the wrath of Daddy.

Click here to read last week’s edition of Sweetwater Tea

All in the Family

While Daddy was in time out, looks like V put on the fur daddy coat to keep the family business running. Just like her father, who she recently left because she wasn’t into his business practices. Ronnie even got her own team to assist her after she fired the men that failed to protect her muscular father. They want her to align with the Grande family. Ronnie showed them that she has no tears left to cry for that family. So who was brave enough to help a girl out? Reggie Man-handle-me, aka Lonely boy 2.0, and the lodge family faithful butler Smithers. Personally, I would entrust them to save my life unless it was from a dust bunny or a very lonely night. But whatever floats Ronniekins yacht for this girl. Be careful though, V. Once you take a bite of the apple, you won’t be able to put it down. And sometimes, the apple has a bite to it if you pick the wrong one.

The fox in diamonds and pearls

V wasn’t the only Lodge to step in up their game while Daddy was in time out. Hermione was out in full force to show that she is that bitch. Hermikins tried to play dirty with the serpents. Turns out, the daddy in uniform was only there for his good looks and his ability to pawn in the Lodge’s game of Chess. Turns out, FP was going to be framed for daddy on daddy crime. Luckily for FP, Jughead, Sweet Pea, and sexy cucumber melon, aka Fangs, left the comfort of their Bath and Body Works sex bunker to follow Hermikins. Daughter doesn’t trust her Mommy after Daughter learned that Mommy has been running the fizzle rock drug empire with Daddykins. Not even the shade of their lavished stronghold will hide the lies. Especially when there’s more than just the Lodges in the lies.

Turns out that Hermione was looking for revenge on the dead Tall Boy shooting up her rally. According to Mama Lodge, it was all FP fault. It’s just too bad that Juggiekins found out before the Mama Lodge could put her plan into action. Oh, Hermikins, Didn’t Hiram teach you to have a backup plan for your plan? Or were you too busy dishing out your own personal brand of justice?

The Dirty Mistress Club membership is forever

It looks like the Dirty Mistress club has opened up an office in Riverdale. It so happens that the charter members are Hiram and Hermione Lodge. The first couple of Riverdale is seemingly having marital issues. While I don’t know who would want to cheat on the DILF of the year, Hermikins was actually sleeping with a deadman. Sheriff Minetta isn’t dead, in fact, he’s very much alive and well. He’s screwing Hermione in the woods. The same woods where Kevin Keller was going bear hunting. I guess the woods are very busy place in Riverdale, especially went it comes to transgressions of the skin.

What Hermikins said before she pulled the trigger

Hermione wasn’t the only who sleeping with the help. Turns out that Daddykins was sleeping with the local water inspector. That’s right, in exchange for fake reports about our lovely Sweetwater River, Hiram was giving Mrs. Mulwray his jingle jangle. Oh where would be without Jughead Jones and his ability to meddle in other people’s business? Sheriff Minetta wouldn’t be dead due to Hermione Lodge getting screwed over by him, FP and Jughead. Does Mrs. Mulwray have more to tell? Especially since she was linked with the town whore Penelope Blossom and her newest passion.

Les-be-honest, Penelope

Just when you thought that Penelope Blossom’s life was just as open as her legs, there’s something new that always keeps open. And no, Cheryl isn’t going to be a big sister. Penelope has opened up a little side business in Riverdale called The Maple Club. It’s a sex club where the lady of The Maple Club use whips, chains, and maple syrup on the men for pleasure and pain. Not exactly what Rihanna had in mind when she sang “S&M.” Our little Betty also starts to investigate Penelope after Claudius’ death was ruled a suicide. What recent death isn’t a bit suspicious? After all, this is Riverdale.

Nana Rose is always watching

Turns out, Penelope has a taste for murder and pleasure. Betty even got confirmation from the coroner that may or may not enjoy his job too much. Turns out that Mr. Blossom didn’t really kill himself. In fact, either did Claudius. Things got a little fishy with their deaths. And when things get fishy in Riverdale, it has Penelope Blossom’s name all over it. But before Betty can go and spill the beans, a good old fashion Blossom blackmail. Hal Cooper apparently spilled the beans on what Betty did to her fake brother Chic. I don’t know how someone can have that much pillow talk when it only last 5 seconds but it was enough to have B keeping her secrets. What else has Hal Cooper spilled to the world? Does he realize that it’s my job to spill everyone’s tea? But if I was Betty, I would put on her serpent jacket. That may be the only protection she can get to cover up her family secrets.

The pussycat and dem abs

Hey A, You and J aren’t going to happen

It appears that Riverdale’s lone pussycat seems to have taken in a stray. After making a hot drunken seen in his ex-girlfriend’s humble speakeasy, J took in Archiekins to the showers to sober the hottie up. Not only did they both keep their clothes on but Josiekins seems to help A get back into his musical roots. Let’s just hope the boy doesn’t want to be a singer again. But did I see a twinkle in Josie’s eye for the redheaded hottie? Or was that just pity for the little stray? Oh J, you could do so much better than the Archiekins. Sure, he’s a hot piece of meat. But being the rebound is something you are better than. Or are you just desperate for attention?

The handshake

Are you there, god? Has hell frozen over Riverdale? If so, please send help. A and Daddykins have called a truce in their hot yet douchey war. After Archiekins prevented a masked man from killing Hiram Lodge, something that A was looking to do himself. Don’t worry, A. You’re secret is always safe with me…for now. The real question is that is Archie and Hiram teaming up for a little destruction? I do know one thing for sure. When you are dealing with Hiram Percy Cornelius Lodge, you better have your ducks in a row. Because when you least expect it, your ducks will be run down by a limo. Not even a six pack of abs can save you from Hiram’s limo running you down.

Now that Daddykins is back up and kicking, some sort of order will be restored in the town with pep. Or will more chaos occur now that the Lodges hand has been shown? If I was Hiram, I would more concerned with what his mistress will be bringing to the table. We all know that it will be a gun, but will the gun be loaded with bullets or just vivid details of their luscious and scandalous affair? Hope you have more than condoms for protection, Hiram. You’re now playing with fire and if you don’t watch out, you’re about to get burnt.

Leave your thoughts/tea in the comments below. Make sure you follow me on Twitter for more of that tea.

Sweetwater Tea Episode 2: Justice for Choni and Kevin

Buckle up because I’m in the mood for some chaos. Sorry to interrupt, sad breakfast club. While “Riverdale” isn’t back until January 16th, that doesn’t mean that there isn’t some tea to spill. It’s time to head down to Sweetwater river to take in the views with some burgers from Pops. Welcome to Sweetwater Tea.

CLICK HERE TO READ PREVIOUS SWEETWATER TEA

Originally, I was going to share this tea in the middle of the season but this tea was too hot not to share. Let’s talk about how we need justice for Choni, Toni and Cheryl, and Kevin. There’s an injustice occurring that isn’t being talked about. We also need justice for Josie but she’s a whole kettle of pipping hot tea just by herself.

Listen up fives, a ten is speaking

As I’m rewatching season one, I noticed one thing that has me wanting to drown my sorrows in a milkshake. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO CHERYL BLOSSOM AND KEVIN KELLER? I’m only like three episodes in and they have been prominent and vocal members. They have also been extremely iconic

Season two was still good to them but it was more or less just depressing. Kevin was hooking up with dudes in the woods. Cheryl was battling with discovering who she was. It was still quality character development for them. Sure, Kevin was wanting Moose and Cheryl were being pyromaniac but they had a full-fledged development. It was this season that Cheryl got the love of her life Toni, the girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Toni and Cheryl are just everything together.

Where have you been gurl?

This season, what have we really gotten from them? Cheryl giving iconic one-liners with Toni acting like her sidekick more than her actual girlfriend. Kevin is trying to get Moose when realistically Moose isn’t really sure of what he wants. Kevin’s storyline is actually really good but like there really hasn’t been any development in it besides Kevin and Moose almost getting caught his father. But that was after like five episodes of nothing to do with it. And there have been some Choni moments but that’s like hearing her Jason Blossom talk a line or two.

It’s kind of like they have too many storylines going on so they can’t keep up with it. Honestly, I could do less with the gargoyle king and that stupid game. I want to know what’s going on with Choni and I want to know more about Kevin and Moose. They are most stable and honestly the smartest people in the entire show. I enjoy them more so than the core four. I could honestly go on and on about that tea on the core four.

Spoiler: When it comes to them vs Daddykins, I’m all about Team Daddykins. Hiram Lodge can kick the ungrateful Veronica to the sisters and he can adopt me. I look the other way as he and the lovely Hermione want to do. I just want to be swimming in money. If money can’t buy happiness, then why is it so fabulous?

Yes, Ronniekins. It is ridiculous.

Honestly, they just need more screen time. It’s kind of like you gave us two puppies and we fell in love with those puppies after having them for a while. Then you decided to take those puppies away from us and only let us see them for small periods at a time. I love those puppies and want more time with them.

I know there’s going to be an episode dedicated to Choni but honestly, it’s a little too late. We had Archie/Veronica, Jughead/Betty, and FP/Alice thrown down our face. Where was Choni? How many times do we really need to see them having sex? I get that Archie is super hot and it may or may not be written into KJ Apa’s contract that he has to be shirtless/semi-naked for part of the episode. I literally have no issue with that. Only issue I have is with the lack of screentime for Choni and Kevin. It isn’t even an LGBT representation issue. If they were like Ethyl, then this would be fine because she’s an auxiliary character. An extra character. All three of them, including my girl Josie, are main characters on the show.

They need to be on my screen more

In fact, there are 14 main characters on the show, including Fred Andrews and Alice Cooper, no relation to the singer. I like all of the main characters but they need to use them all properly. I honestly didn’t even know that Reggie Mantle was a main character until I channeled my inner Betty Cooper reporter. It makes sense as he’s trying to get into Veronica’s skirt.

I guess the point of this tea is that I’m tired of just having the core four be the focal point when there are eight other main characters that should be integrated more into the main story, which again is too much this season. WAY. TOO. MUCH. It also isn’t doing that much to help them for the award of “Brightest People in Riverdale.” I want more of Kevin, Cheryl, and Toni every Wednesday and want to know what’s going on with them. You

That will do it for this edition of Sweetwater Tea. I hope you enjoyed the tea and scenery of the Sweetwater River. So until next time, you know you love me.

XOXOXO Gossip Girl.

Yeah, I’m still working on closing.

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Sweetwater Tea Episode 1: What the jingle jangle is happening on ‘Riverdale?’

Grab your milkshake from Pop’s because it’s about to go down. Welcome to the first edition of Sweetwater Tea.  Each week I’ll be breaking what the hell is happening on Riverdale. Since the mid-season just finished, let’s talk about the highlight of season three. Buckle up, I’m in the mood for a little chaos. WARNING: SPOILERS WILL BE AFTER THIS POINT. 

Archie is in ‘Orange is the New Black now?’ 

Yes, this all happened in a matter of eight episodes

I’m apologizing in advance, this season has been a blur. Season Three began with the trial of Archie Andrews and his abs that you can bake cookies on. Archie was found guilty after Hiram Lodge did what he does best and had the new sheriff tampered with the witness. Long story short with the Archie in jail storyline: he escapes and ends up getting acquitted thanks to Veronica and Mrs. McCoy. Oh, Sheriff ends up dead.

Archie ends up running away with Jughead to save all his friends from Hiram’s revenge. Hiram probably just wants to kill him for the amount of sex he is having with his daughter. They go visit jughead’s mother and sister after Archie showing off his glistened abs and letting a stranger hold a long ass razor to his face and shave his nonexistent facial hair off.  Turns out that Archie has a bounty on his head thanks to Hiram. It’s also on the heads of anyone that helps him. Ms. Jones calls the 2/3 of DILF squad (FP and Fred Andrews make it up with Tom Keller) to escort their sons on their respective path: Archie is running from his problems and Jughead heads back to Riverdale. 

Oh no!The kids are addicted to a RPG

Said no one ever about the Our Lady of Quiet Mercy and Murder

The main arch ends up being that Hiram Lodge is trying to use his Big Dick Energy to take full control of Riverdale. In order to do so, he uses the game Gryphons & Gargoyles. Think of a dark and twisted version of Dungeons and Dragons. The game takes over Riverdale and makes people end up taking a drug produced by at old Southside high called fizzle rocks. The drugs end up making people have seizures and see things. While Hiram and his big dick are the villains of the season, the gang are trying to figure who the hell is the creepy gargoyle king.

The game and the king turns out to be a tool the sisters at Our Lady of Quiet Mercy and Murder use to keep the “bad girls” in line. Apparently, 5 Seconds of Summer didn’t teach them that good girls are bad girls that haven’t been caught. They also a testing ground for Hiram and his fizzle rocks. There was also some character building side plots but for the sake of time, I’ll skip over it. That’s even harder to explain. Caught up? Probably not but it will do. Let’s get into the tea

How stupid can the main four be?

Betty, Veronica, Archie, and Jughead having just been acting like total dumbasses this season. Archie is just too trusting of a person. Like he’s just a set of abs and lacks little common sense. He just lets everyone in on his life and plans when he is on the run. Did his parent teach him not to talk to strangers? Probably not, his parents are Molly Ringwald and Luke Perry. They were teen royalty back in the day.

I volunteer to hose down Archiekins

Veronica is trying to take down and be two steps of her daddykins but yet she keeps telling her parents all about her info she finds out. Like what’s the point of even trying if you are just going to spill the beans. Loose lips sink ships, Ronnie! Then she hasn’t caught on that Reggie wants in her skirt. She’s a single gal now. I fully support and ship Veggie. I’m still hoping for Kerchie to happen. Finger crossed. 

Betty and Jughead just need to stop having sex in the dead kid’s bunker. I would ask them if they could have sex in any other place besides there but Lili Reinhart answered that for me on twitter. They are smart of half of the main four but like c’mon guys. You are making me want to be Team Daddykins. In fact, both couples are rabbits. They are having sex like left and right. Do you guys not have anything else do to? As Lili said in her tweet to me “The answer is no.” They all need a good hose down. 

Don’t mess with Hiram Lodge

Nothing is out of his control. NOTHING. 

After how dumb everyone that isn’t Josie, Kevin, Cheryl, and Toni is, I’ve joined Team Daddykins. Besides the fact that Hiram leaves you slightly turned on and pissed on, he has this entire town under this finger. His wife is the mayor and he has his hands in all the pots. In one episode where it was three separate stories, he was involved in EVERY SINGLE ONE. While it’s all shade business dealings, he has plans and a bunch of backup plans. You can’t make him nervous. Unless you happen to be a ripped red-head sticking it to his daughter every five minutes. He’s either very jealous or just wants Archie for himself. That’s a plot twist for you. But I’m fully supporting him just so he knocks some sense and brains into the main four. Team Daddykins for life!

Riverdale: The Purge

ICONIC QUEEN

The midseason finale ended with Veronica’s mother having the city of Riverdale locked down because Hiram has the governor of whatever state they are in working for him as well. So it’s like the purge. No one can enter and no one can leave. We also know that Cheryl is preparing for war. When the iconic queen, who has gotten the shaft so far, is going war. WE ALL GO TO WAR. Cheryl and her bow are all Riverdale need to save the town.

It looks like the rest of the season is going to be a real barn burner. I just wish that it made more sense but it’s “Riverdale.” Does “Riverdale” ever make sense? I hope you enjoyed the first episode of Sweetwater Tea. It returns when “Riverdale” comes back on January 16th. Until then, I recommend rewatching because you’ll need it. It’s been a confusing season. 

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