Top 5ive

Top 5ive: Things I want to happen in 2019

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As the new year approaches, it’s time look forward to all the things that can happen in the new year. It’s a fresh start so literally, anything is possible. It’s like the first day of school. We start off with excitement before being over it and counting down until vacation. It’s time to get ready to make 2019 our bitch. So here are the top 5ive things I want to happen in 2019:

CLICK HERE FOR WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN IN 2018

5. People being more caring and understand

This is last on my list because I know this isn’t going to happen. I just hope people have a better understanding of each other and just being more caring. As I said in my what I learned in 2018, just taking the time to show someone compassion then it could change a lot. It can also show you another side of something you may or may not agree on.

4. “Lindsay Lohan’s Beach House” to be EVERYTHING

The cast of the show.

Click here for our article on it

I don’t know about you but I’m stoked for LiLo’s newest reality show. I’m hoping that everyone is stoked because frankly, I need more Lindsay in my life. We have all seen the videos from her cool place in Mykonos and honestly, it seems like it’s going to be a hot mess of a good time. It’s a sober Linsday running her own club and just being a boss bitch. I’m here to be a boss ass bitch. Lilo probably wakes up and goes “I’m that bitch.” Lindsay is that bitch and we love her for it.

3. The year of Dove Cameron

While I still deeply and utterly depressed that Dove Cameron isn’t Sabrina Spellman on “The Chilling Adventure of Sabrina,” I have a feeling that it will be her year. Dove is currently KILLING IT on Broadway as Cher in “Clueless.” I’m still here patiently waiting for her first single and album. Hopefully, she blesses our ears with her music. We also have what seems to be the final “Descendants” movie coming out in the summer. It’s just going to be a good year to be Dove Cameron. I need more Dove in my life. I also need more of her adorable relationship with Thomas Doherty. They are literally everything and I need more of them in my life. I’m also waiting for a duet love song that will make my heart cry.

2. Ariana Grande’s reign will continue

2018 was a very good year for Miss Grande professionally. I have a feeling that her reign in the Queendom will continue on in 2019. As of writing this, “Thank u, next” the album hasn’t been released. Nor has the video for “Imagine” that she’s been hyping on Twitter and honestly, it looks stunning. While we like to think that part of “Sweetener” doesn’t exist, it was still a hit album. I like to think we have songs like “No Tears Left to Cry,” “God is a Woman,” and “Breathin'” for that. Let’s be real: those songs with a few other saved the album. But stan either way.

Ariana will begin her 2019 Sweetener world tour and I have a feeling that it will only go up from there. Get ready for Ariana Grande! By the end of 2019, we will all be calling her Miss Butera. You know the joke that comes with Miss Butera.

1. Oprah will finalize her master plans

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE ABOUT OPRAH AND HER THOUGHTS ON BEING PRESIDENT

If you aren’t terrified of Oprah Winfrey and the power that she wields then you need to be. Look, Oprah has the power to make or literally break you. While I liked Barack Obama, she helped him out greatly when it comes to getting elected as President. I’m honestly waiting for her to run and WIN the presidency of United States. I know that she is planning for it. You don’t piss off Mama O. You piss off Mama O, you will not survive.

I know that this as serious as the other four but I honestly think that Oprah is going to come out and say “Hey, I’m going to run against Trump.” I feel like that’s going to be her next move. It’s 2019 and the 2020 Election will literally be right around the corner. I’m here for Mama O to be president. We need someone like her in the white house.

I hope all of these things happen in 2019. Here’s to it being better than 2018! It has to be better than 2018.

Leave your thoughts/tea in the comments below. Make sure you follow me on Twitter for more of that tea.

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The things that I have learned from Degrassi

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Whatever it takes

While we haven’t had a new Degrassi episode since July 2017, people have been holding onto hope that the show will live on. But unfortunately. that isn’t the case as it appears that it has been cancelled by Netflix. In honor of all 18 seasons that we have grew up watch, I thought it was time to reminisce on things that I have learned from “Degrassi: The Next Generation” and “Degrassi: Next Class.” Here’s are those things:

Click Here to read my rant on Degrassi

Never trust a guy giving out jelly bracelets

If you meet people in the woods, you know it’s only going to be trouble

While if you meet someone in this day and age giving out jelly bracelets, you should just run because that’s creepy. You should run either way because that means he’s expecting you to do sexual acts. And I’m sorry but if you are collecting jelly bracelets from him, your ass is a hoe and you need Jesus. It made me think differently of people of them. I almost asked someone “hey, who did you blow?” As an Adult, I’m both sadden by the fact that I didn’t but yet glad that I didn’t. 

When in doubt, kiss the nearest person to you

Don’t lie…you were jealous

The saying on the show was “When in doubt, kiss Craig.” While Craig was a brooding drug induced hunky musician, the kiss that him and openly gay trendsetter Marco shared was short but iconic. So if you are stuck between a hunk and hunk, just kiss the nearest hunk near you. This works so well if you are having relationships issues. Just ask Marco!

Best way for revenge is to write a song and perform in front of them

Screw Downtown Squash, PMS/Hell Hath No Fury was the only band we needed and deserved

Why just personally tell someone off in the privacy when you can write songs about them and how they did you wrong in front of EVERYONE. Degrassi was Taylor Swift before she even knew about Tim McGraw. There was so many good bops that Degrassi gave us. Paige tell her rapist off, Ashley telling Craig off, Craig being a little bitch and just telling everyone off in his album. Memories, sweet memories. In case you haven’t noticed, the newer scenes aren’t really that memorable compared to the OG seasons of “Degrassi: The Next Generation.” They aren’t bad but they weren’t anything like Manny’s thong good. That scene is iconic.

You need to pay attention in Sex ed

In my school, I didn’t have any sex ed classes besides a health where they talked about it for a split second. But Degrassi taught me that if you really need to pay attention in when they teach you about sex in school. Not a lot people on Degrassi knew that you need to wrap it before you trap it. There was a concerning amount of teen pregnancy. Now I’m not here to mock teen pregnancy. I do think that “16 & Pregnant” made it seem “cool.” But there was just too many babies popping out and strolling down the hallow halls of Degrassi Community School. Then there was STD outbreaks like there wasn’t anyone business. Sex ed classes either didn’t teach anything or they didn’t teach enough. It also could be that the teens were too horny to pay attention. 

Started from the bottom now Drake is here

Has Drake always been cool? Yep.

During my revisit of the lessons that Degrassi taught me, I had a moment of clarity when it dawned on me what Drake meant when he said “Started from the bottom now we’re here.” When Drake, he was Jimmy Brooks, was shot down by Rick, he was just lying on the floor unconscious. THE BOTTOM OF THE FLOOR. He then rose up from that floor, metaphorically because Jimmy Brooks was wheelchair bound for most of the series after that. Jimmy Brooks didn’t let the fact that he couldn’t walk stop him from rapping and being Drake. So the lyrics are truly about rising out of your metaphorically wheelchair and just live your life. 

 

I hope that this bit of knowledge that I learned from this iconic show will help you. If Degrassi taught you something, leave it in the comments below so we can all enjoy in what lessons Degrassi taught the world. 

Top 5ive: Best songs to strip to

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It’s getting hot in herre

Before we get into this Top 5ive. Let’s just point out that I have no clue about stripping and I’ve never done it. But I know sexy and what people want to take their clothes off to. You can thank Mr. Charlie Puth for this list because it’s all for him. Yesterday, Mr. Puth tweeted the world and ask for stripper anthems. Well, it’s time to countdown my list of Stripper anthems.

You’re Welcome

I picked the top 5ive and listed below. Please keep in mind that I’m trying this new list layout out. It might not be permanent. If you like it let me know in the comments below. 

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Top 5ive: Songs to strip to

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Inspired by Charlie Puth, Let's countdown the top five stripper anthems.

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5. "Side to Side" by Ariana Grande featuring Nicki Minaj

May 25, 2018 - youtube.com - 0
5. "Side to Side" by Ariana Grande featuring Nicki Minaj

You can't have songs that make you want to rip off your clothes to without this bop from Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj. While it left everyone wondering what is a dick bicycle, you can bust a mean groove to it. If it so happens you lose some clothing during it, no one is complaining. Ariana lost clothes during it too.

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5ive Disney movie reboot pitches that need to happen

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You get a reboot! You get a reboot! EVERYBODY GETS A REBOOT!

I don’t know about you because I’m frankly sick and tired of all these reboots. It seems like that’s all we get anymore. Hardly any original movies. Those original movies are geared towards our youth. I think it’s time to turn the classic Disney movies into harden reboots that would make Mickey Mouse blush. 

Because I’ve already done gritty Disney Channel reboots, I thought it was time to tackle the long list of Disney movies. Here are 5ive Disney movie reboots. I believe that these are created by me. If someone else thought of these ideas before me, then I’m sorry for all the things that go through your head. Oh, there’s no pictures because you need to use your imagination. Also, it’s late and I’m tired.

Lady and the Tramp

In this reboot, a couple gets turned into dogs after the boyfriend gets caught cheating. If they wish to return back, they must find true love within three days. Okay, so this one has nothing to do with the original premise but let’s be real: that movie had no real premise. It was about two dogs falling in love. Sure, it was sweet but c’mon. This sounds way better. Oh, the spaghetti scene is still in there but it’s PG-13. We could also make this into a movie involving furries but I think that’s too soon.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

This one is going to be a gritty reboot because why the hell not! So the Evil Queen is really Snow White’s mother. Queen is jealous that Snow White is young and beautiful. The Evil Queen is only getting older. She hires a hitman to seduce and kill Snow White so she can collect the insurance money to get some plastic surgery. A little lipo and facelift will make her look younger. Plastic surgeons are pretty much like fairy godmothers. Anyways, the hitman seduces her but fails to kill her because she’s talented. So he puts her in the hands of the witness protection until they can catch the evil queen. They stick her with the seven dwarfs, who are like their cartoon counterparts but more messed up. Doesn’t this sound like a quality movie? Oh, the prince is actually the hitman handyman/lover. He swings both ways.

The Parent Trap

This reboot is about how two identical twin strippers meet while at an adult entertainment convention. After they cause a little mayhem at the convention, they decided to trade places to see what the other’s life is like. They want to know their actual other parent, as well as their mature play friends. Yep, I just turned “The Parent Trap” into what can only be described as a Disney porn. You are welcome for this gift.

Fantasia

This is pretty much just one big adventure into being high. It a requirement that you are high during this movie…okay, you can be fake high. It would probably only be enjoyable if you were high. That’s how trippy this movie is going to be.

Mary Poppins

Now, this has nothing to do with the sequel, “Mary Poppins Returns.” It’s about a strange lady that corrupts the minds of children into believing that she has magical powers. Once her work is done, she kills the children and leaves her minions in their place. Yep, “Mary Poppins” is a horror movie. If you really think about it, the movie was messed up, to begin with. My reboot isn’t doing anything that hasn’t been already done.

I hope that you enjoyed the plot for these reboots. They are going to hit theaters when Disney gets their act together and makes them. I estimate that in 2020.

Leave your thoughts in the comments below. Make sure you follow me on Twitter so you can judge me every day.