Sweetwater Tea Episode 7: Bizarrodale

Listen up fives, a ten is speaking and I’m in the mood for some chaos. Sorry to interrupt, sad breakfast club. Are we still in Riverdale? Hiram and A have seemed to have made peace, Hermikins is a drug dealer, and Ronnie has turned into a sassier version of Daddykins. But one thing has stayed the same: Betty Cooper is a still a nosey bitch. Welcome to Sweetwater Tea.

Don’t look so judgemental, V. You’re secrets will soon be out.

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Between 2 closets

Welcome Back, HBIC

While Valentine’s Day is a week away, love was in the water here in the town with pep and someone was feeling like being Cupid Bombshell this week. That’s right ladies and Kevin Keller, Cheryl Majorie Blossom has donned her HBIC pearls once again. No one was ready for the Bombshell that she would be dropping. Even I was shaken by the tea she brought. One person who wasn’t was her lover. Turns out that T pulled out her lady balls out C’s iconic clutch and gave her a piece of her mind. All it took was Cheryl publically outing Moosiekins and throwing her privilege to make Tonikins put the HBIC in her place. And they had their first fight in the Girl’s bathroom too. How 90’s teen drama.

Turns out there was a softer side of Cherylkins. And with this softer side, we got a show Bravo talk show with Cheryl and Kevin. While they talked about love and Kevin’s love for closet cases, it shockingly didn’t end with them kissing nor with C giving K a fashion makeover. Les-be-honest, K needs one. C and T even team up for a little destruction as they drag Mommy Whorest to her knees. A place she’s used to. Turns out when you screw with Cheryl’s future, she gets out the whip. Sounds like the S&M runs in the family. C even gets Toni her own little gang. Nothing says love like getting your girlfriend a gang. Kinky. If I was the serpents, I’d watch out for the Choni and their gang of temperamental bitches. Pretty Poisons are their name and they are out for blood.

Mason Family Values

Are you there, God? Has hell frozen over Riverdale again? My cold heart shed a tear as Moose Mason finally had the balls to admit to his father to that he likes Kevin, who is apparently not a female. It looked like Keviekins was finally going to get loved. They even decided to break into the sex bunker in their own reboot called “Brokeback Riverdale.” It’s just too bad that anything but sex happened in the bunker. I was so waiting to watch that reboot too.

You’re not the only one shocked to see Moosiekins leave his closet, K

Turns out that the Mason family keeps all their secrets in basement instead of their closets. Mr. Mason turned into the biggest cockblocker of all time. Not only did he block his own son, but he also blocked every teen in Riverdale. Minus Archie….Archie was saving it for Keviekins. Again, a girl can dream. Turns out that Mr. Mason had a thing for Daddy Keller. Can you really blame him on that one? But unlike his son, he was sent to Our Sisters of Mercy and Murder. Apparently, Granddaddy Mason wanted Mr. M to “pray the gay away” with the Gargoyle King. Those bitches.

In order to prevent his son from losing his V card, and to prevent Daddy Keller from marrying anyone but him, he went extra as fuck. Mr. M reunited The Midnight Club as a distraction to raid the bunker and forced Koose to play a kinky game of G&G. Apparently, we have been playing it wrong this whole time. Before anyone could get the poison, the HBIC came in with a SWAT time to save the day. Mr. M thought he and his brainwashed RROTC could scare the gay out of Moose. But the only thing he would pray away will be Big Johnny.

Sadly, this is Riverdale after. Did you really think Kevin would get a happy ever after? While Mr. Mason is living out his fantasy of a prison threesome with Hal Cooper and Penelope Blossom, Moosiekins is heading out of town to stay with his aunt. If you are worried about Keviekins, don’t worry. He was spotted sulking in Fox Forest while swiping right on Bumble. Doesn’t he know that Grindr is more his speed for what happens in Fox Forest?

Love, Riverdale Style

Let’s take a pause from the tea, to give you some breaking news. This tea is just too hot not to spill. Apparently, little Josie McCoy likes to shop in the dark and brooding part of Bed, Bath and Beyond. During the summer, Josiekins had the thing for Sweet Pea. Scandalous that the former mayor’s daughter once had a thing for the kid from the wrong side of the tracks. I wonder if J went through the other scents too. I hear that daddy Fangs, aka cucumber melon, is one with a bite. Any girl would be lucky to catch that serpent. Just ask Midge…oh wait. Now, back to our regularly scheduled tea.

Josie in the City

Seems like our little Pussycat has her claw set into the Big Apple. Turns out that Josiekins had an audition with Julliard. Oh J, did you really think you could get into The Julliard School with only having long tail and ears for hats under your belt? Or did you think your experience in one musical could get you into a performing art school like Julliard?

While J didn’t get into Julliard, she did get into a certain red-headed mouth. Sorry Cheryl, but it wasn’t you. After singing a duet, she and Archiekins were seen kissing in a well-aimed spotlight. Let me be the first to welcome Josiekins into the Lips of Riverdale. Everyone has kissed everyone…well, minus Kevin. There’s still time for that for Keviekins. But it seems like everyone falls for Archie and his wonder abs.

Veggie Drug Tales

You’re Welcome

Oh, Ronniekins, did you really think you’re little plan wouldn’t have a consequence? It’s not Daddykins you are dealing with, after all. Turns out Hermikins still owes her dealer some money. And instead of enlisting her team, she punishes Ronnie and her boy-toy with abs to come up with a plan to get it back. It seems like Hiram didn’t teach Hermione how to be a sexy crime lord.

The Drug Dealer turns out to be Juggiekins’ mommy. While she might be a BILF, she’s at least a BILF with a big heart. Gladys took pity on Veggie and gave them more time to get her the money she needs. Was it really out of the kindness of her heart? Or is Gladykins looking to sink her teeth into something bigger than just some petty drug money? Oh Hermione, If I was you, I’d leave all the business ventures to Hiram and Ronnie. Especially since it appears you opened a can of worms that you cannot close.

While things seem to be cooling down for Valentine’s day in our little town, you’re about to get a heatwave. It’s going to get hot and heavy and not in a good way. What do Miss FP and her daughter Jolly Rancher have up their sleeve now that they are back in town? It seems like the Lodge empire is getting ready to come crashing down around the first family of Riverdale. I wonder how Daddykins will get himself out of the mess that his lovely wife has gotten them into. Grab your daddy cane and daddy fur coat Hiram, because you need to keep warm once you are living in the street. Oh, and what happened to Falice? I wonder if it has to do with Edgar Neverever, who might be Edgar Alwaysever if you know what I mean. Until next time, kiddos: if you breathe, it is because I give you air.

P.S. Just because this tea party is over, doesn’t mean we can’t have another. Follow me, Sweetwater Bombshell, on Twitter. If you thought this tea was good, then you haven’t seen anything yet.

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Sweetwater Tea Episode 4: No Exit

Listen up fives, a ten is speaking and I’m in the mood for some chaos. Sorry to interrupt, sad breakfast club. No one is leaving and they are certainly are entering the town with pep. Can you really blame them? I wouldn’t want to leave the town with Hiram Lodge in it. Don’t worry your little heads, Riverdale. I’m still here to give you a hot cup of tea that you deserve. It’s not as contiguous like the lies plaguing the town. Welcome to Sweetwater Tea.

Don’t worry B. It will all be over soon…at least you hope

Click here for the latest Sweetwater Tea |Click here if you want to play a game

It’s a mad mad world

It’s been five long weeks since Daddykins closed the gates into Riverdale. Archiekins is off being a hot metrosexual lumberjack. I wonder if Kevin Keller gave him some tips on surviving the woods. After all, he’s an expert on it. As dem abs settle into his life in the woods, someone decides to commit a felony by injuring 2018 hottest redhaired male. Who would do such a heinous act? It’s not like there’s a bounty on A’s head. With Ronniekins not there to nurse his wounds, poor A began to see dead people. Either I’ll have what he’s having or something bad is coming towards that Archie. Word of the river is that by the time someone got to poor Archiekins, it might have been a little too late. Could Hiram have finally stuck it to A or is he just a casualty of war? But hey, it could have been just a bear…I heard from Kevin Kevin there’s a lot of them in the woods.

The lies Daddykins tells me

Grab your armor, there’s a civil war going on. Veronica Cecilia Lodge has decided to go to war with her father. Daughter like Father, right? You think that Hiram would be proud that V is just a little version of him. But all is fair in love and war. And it’s war when you have something that the DILF wants. And the DILF wants part of Veronica’s money. He plans on getting by any mean necessary. For someone who swears he’s not the Gargoyle King, having a gang of Gargoyles attack Ronniekins’ shipments doesn’t help that cause.

But how does one fight Gargoyles? With serpents, of course. V used her connections with the serpent king to signed them up for the standard Lodge employment plan: cheap labor and protection. Too bad Hiram’s gang wasn’t the thing that Ronnie needs protections for. V was spotted kissing Reggie “douchey abs” Mantle in her place of business. I don’t know what kind of business she is running but sign me up. What would Archie think about Veggie becoming a thing? Oh, wait…

Choni and the Pussycats

The Pussycats are back in town and they have a taste for petty thef, women, and the finer things in life. Too bad they aren’t the ones that sang and swayed behind Josie Mccoy. Cheryl Bombshell and Toni might have long tails and ears for hats but they are teaming up for a little destruction. Besides stealing kisses and jewelry, Cheryl also looks like she is after more. The HBIC is back and she’s looking for her crown. Too bad that she was quickly put in her place by the Serpent King. Does Jughead not realize that hell hath no fury like a Blossoms scorn?

The Betty Cooper Foundation for the Children of the Gargoyle

Like taking in a box of homeless kittens, our little dynamo Betty Cooper has taken in the children she freed from Our Lady of Quiet Mercy and Murder. In between hot love sessions with Jughead and trying to take down Daddykins with jailed nuns, B seems to have bitten off more than she could chew. Even Riverdale’s resident MILF, Alice Cooper, believes so. Turns out, the farm takes in all the strays. If anyone can help the children of the gargoyle kick their cult-like addiction to role-playing games and drugs, it’s another cult that throws babies in a fire pit while on drugs.

Guess B lose their support once they realize that the only thing she’s the queen of is being shady. And just when you think B’s day can’t get any worst, the sisters of Our Lady of Quiet Mercy and Murder decided it was time to meet their maker and take a vow of silence for eternity. If I was B, I would head down the river for some magically inspirational. Or maybe a trip to the sex bunker with J will help her get inspired. Or is that where she’s just keeping her secrets for now?

Buckle up, bitches…

Seems like the only thing that Riverdale needs to be quarantined from is all the lies. As Hiram’s plan falls in place, what will the town with pep do once they realize that the abs of Riverdale are in danger? Or will it all just be a drug-induced dream? Only time will tell. Go into your sex bunker kiddos, a nuclear bomb is about to go off in Riverdale.

If you breathe it’s because I give you air….

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Hey Riverdale, I want to play a game…

Listen up bitches, this just got a little bit interesting. When we last left the town with pep, all hell has broken loose thanks in part to the 2018 DILF of the year Hiram Lodge. Hiram is the only one pulling the strings anymore. I want to play a game.

Click Here for last edition of Sweetwater Tea

Here’s the game and it’s a pretty easy one to follow. This game isn’t like that horrid game going around town right now. It’s just an easy game of bingo. Any time an event happens, just mark off one of the spaces. Easy enough, right? I’ll even give you the square about visiting Pop’s right off the bat. It’s not a trip to Riverdale without getting a burger from Pop’s right? Here’s the board and the time is now. Let’s turn the chaos into a fun time.

Now don’t you fret, this won’t be the last you hear from me today. Did you think you could have a party without Me? I’m always around when you least expect it. Remember, if you breathe it’s because I give you air.

Sweetwater Tea Episode 2: Justice for Choni and Kevin

Buckle up because I’m in the mood for some chaos. Sorry to interrupt, sad breakfast club. While “Riverdale” isn’t back until January 16th, that doesn’t mean that there isn’t some tea to spill. It’s time to head down to Sweetwater river to take in the views with some burgers from Pops. Welcome to Sweetwater Tea.

CLICK HERE TO READ PREVIOUS SWEETWATER TEA

Originally, I was going to share this tea in the middle of the season but this tea was too hot not to share. Let’s talk about how we need justice for Choni, Toni and Cheryl, and Kevin. There’s an injustice occurring that isn’t being talked about. We also need justice for Josie but she’s a whole kettle of pipping hot tea just by herself.

Listen up fives, a ten is speaking

As I’m rewatching season one, I noticed one thing that has me wanting to drown my sorrows in a milkshake. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO CHERYL BLOSSOM AND KEVIN KELLER? I’m only like three episodes in and they have been prominent and vocal members. They have also been extremely iconic

Season two was still good to them but it was more or less just depressing. Kevin was hooking up with dudes in the woods. Cheryl was battling with discovering who she was. It was still quality character development for them. Sure, Kevin was wanting Moose and Cheryl were being pyromaniac but they had a full-fledged development. It was this season that Cheryl got the love of her life Toni, the girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Toni and Cheryl are just everything together.

Where have you been gurl?

This season, what have we really gotten from them? Cheryl giving iconic one-liners with Toni acting like her sidekick more than her actual girlfriend. Kevin is trying to get Moose when realistically Moose isn’t really sure of what he wants. Kevin’s storyline is actually really good but like there really hasn’t been any development in it besides Kevin and Moose almost getting caught his father. But that was after like five episodes of nothing to do with it. And there have been some Choni moments but that’s like hearing her Jason Blossom talk a line or two.

It’s kind of like they have too many storylines going on so they can’t keep up with it. Honestly, I could do less with the gargoyle king and that stupid game. I want to know what’s going on with Choni and I want to know more about Kevin and Moose. They are most stable and honestly the smartest people in the entire show. I enjoy them more so than the core four. I could honestly go on and on about that tea on the core four.

Spoiler: When it comes to them vs Daddykins, I’m all about Team Daddykins. Hiram Lodge can kick the ungrateful Veronica to the sisters and he can adopt me. I look the other way as he and the lovely Hermione want to do. I just want to be swimming in money. If money can’t buy happiness, then why is it so fabulous?

Yes, Ronniekins. It is ridiculous.

Honestly, they just need more screen time. It’s kind of like you gave us two puppies and we fell in love with those puppies after having them for a while. Then you decided to take those puppies away from us and only let us see them for small periods at a time. I love those puppies and want more time with them.

I know there’s going to be an episode dedicated to Choni but honestly, it’s a little too late. We had Archie/Veronica, Jughead/Betty, and FP/Alice thrown down our face. Where was Choni? How many times do we really need to see them having sex? I get that Archie is super hot and it may or may not be written into KJ Apa’s contract that he has to be shirtless/semi-naked for part of the episode. I literally have no issue with that. Only issue I have is with the lack of screentime for Choni and Kevin. It isn’t even an LGBT representation issue. If they were like Ethyl, then this would be fine because she’s an auxiliary character. An extra character. All three of them, including my girl Josie, are main characters on the show.

They need to be on my screen more

In fact, there are 14 main characters on the show, including Fred Andrews and Alice Cooper, no relation to the singer. I like all of the main characters but they need to use them all properly. I honestly didn’t even know that Reggie Mantle was a main character until I channeled my inner Betty Cooper reporter. It makes sense as he’s trying to get into Veronica’s skirt.

I guess the point of this tea is that I’m tired of just having the core four be the focal point when there are eight other main characters that should be integrated more into the main story, which again is too much this season. WAY. TOO. MUCH. It also isn’t doing that much to help them for the award of “Brightest People in Riverdale.” I want more of Kevin, Cheryl, and Toni every Wednesday and want to know what’s going on with them. You

That will do it for this edition of Sweetwater Tea. I hope you enjoyed the tea and scenery of the Sweetwater River. So until next time, you know you love me.

XOXOXO Gossip Girl.

Yeah, I’m still working on closing.

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