5ive Disney movie reboot pitches that need to happen

You get a reboot! You get a reboot! EVERYBODY GETS A REBOOT!

I don’t know about you because I’m frankly sick and tired of all these reboots. It seems like that’s all we get anymore. Hardly any original movies. Those original movies are geared towards our youth. I think it’s time to turn the classic Disney movies into harden reboots that would make Mickey Mouse blush. 

Because I’ve already done gritty Disney Channel reboots, I thought it was time to tackle the long list of Disney movies. Here are 5ive Disney movie reboots. I believe that these are created by me. If someone else thought of these ideas before me, then I’m sorry for all the things that go through your head. Oh, there’s no pictures because you need to use your imagination. Also, it’s late and I’m tired.

Lady and the Tramp

In this reboot, a couple gets turned into dogs after the boyfriend gets caught cheating. If they wish to return back, they must find true love within three days. Okay, so this one has nothing to do with the original premise but let’s be real: that movie had no real premise. It was about two dogs falling in love. Sure, it was sweet but c’mon. This sounds way better. Oh, the spaghetti scene is still in there but it’s PG-13. We could also make this into a movie involving furries but I think that’s too soon.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

This one is going to be a gritty reboot because why the hell not! So the Evil Queen is really Snow White’s mother. Queen is jealous that Snow White is young and beautiful. The Evil Queen is only getting older. She hires a hitman to seduce and kill Snow White so she can collect the insurance money to get some plastic surgery. A little lipo and facelift will make her look younger. Plastic surgeons are pretty much like fairy godmothers. Anyways, the hitman seduces her but fails to kill her because she’s talented. So he puts her in the hands of the witness protection until they can catch the evil queen. They stick her with the seven dwarfs, who are like their cartoon counterparts but more messed up. Doesn’t this sound like a quality movie? Oh, the prince is actually the hitman handyman/lover. He swings both ways.

The Parent Trap

This reboot is about how two identical twin strippers meet while at an adult entertainment convention. After they cause a little mayhem at the convention, they decided to trade places to see what the other’s life is like. They want to know their actual other parent, as well as their mature play friends. Yep, I just turned “The Parent Trap” into what can only be described as a Disney porn. You are welcome for this gift.

Fantasia

This is pretty much just one big adventure into being high. It a requirement that you are high during this movie…okay, you can be fake high. It would probably only be enjoyable if you were high. That’s how trippy this movie is going to be.

Mary Poppins

Now, this has nothing to do with the sequel, “Mary Poppins Returns.” It’s about a strange lady that corrupts the minds of children into believing that she has magical powers. Once her work is done, she kills the children and leaves her minions in their place. Yep, “Mary Poppins” is a horror movie. If you really think about it, the movie was messed up, to begin with. My reboot isn’t doing anything that hasn’t been already done.

I hope that you enjoyed the plot for these reboots. They are going to hit theaters when Disney gets their act together and makes them. I estimate that in 2020.

Leave your thoughts in the comments below. Make sure you follow me on Twitter so you can judge me every day.

 

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Movie Review: ‘Beauty and the Beast’ remake shines like a rose

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Tales as old a time

I know that I’m late on this train but I finally got around to watching the brand new live-action “Beauty and the Beast.” Like any movie that I watch, I’ve decided to write a review of it because as an avid fan of the original Disney animated movie, I have some thoughts that I want to share. And yes, I’ll also talk about this as well, like it really matters.

So if you have seen the original animated movie, then you have pretty much seen this movie. It’s literally just a copy and paste of the original movie script with some added new songs and scenes to help expand on the movie a little bit longer. They also changed some of the aspects of it because it’s live-actions. The cartoon aspects of it sightly wouldn’t have made sense in a live-action setting.

The story follows Belle, a smart headstrong girl from a little village, as she meets a snobby and stubborn prince that was turn into a hideous beast. The prince must fall learn to love and be loved before the petals of a magical rose fall off, or he will stay as a beast forever. Like the prince, his servants were turned into household items as they serve him. While being held captive by him, Belle begins to bring out the good and warm the Beast cold heart.

The live action movie is actually rather good. The length, while really long, allows it to expand on things that were hardly brought up in the movie itself. Like we actually see what caused the prince to be turned into the beast. It’s still the same opening monologue like in the animated movie, but instead of the stain glass pictures, it’s acted out in front of you. Other scenes like that were spliced in there, along with totally new scenes that just help tell the story more. It’s actually blended well with the original scenes, that you can’t even tell.

All of your favorite numbers from the animated movie are in the remake. They are all done extremely well. Emma Watson, who wasn’t particularly known for being a singer, pulled it off well. “Be Our Guest” and “Beauty and the Beast” were my favorite out of the all of the musical numbers. They really showed how much effort was put into make the film close to the animated one as they possible could.

The downside with this being a remake was the fact that it was literally just a word by word, scene by scene carbon copy of the 1991 animated film. While they shouldn’t fix what isn’t broke, it would have been nice to have there was a difference. When I was watching, it just felt like I’ve all ready seen this movie. It’s still a good movie, but it’s just extremely predictable because it’s just a carbon copy of the 1991 animated film.

Now let’s spill some tea on the homosexuality in the movie that had thousands of people freaking out instead of the fact that a women falls in love with an animal. Sigh. If you didn’t want this movie “turning your child too gay,” don’t worry-your child has more of chance to date your pet than that. There’s hints of it during the movie but there’s only like four seconds of any LGBTQ+ that is bluntly in your face. There’s no way that a few seconds of two guys waltzing and a guy wearing a dress and working it that will cause your child to become gay. So you can rip up your check for conversion therapy because “Beauty and the Beast” will not force you to start praying the gay away. Spoiler: it wouldn’t have worked anyways.

If you are looking a great movie to watch or you love the original movie, then “Beauty and the Beast” is the move for you. Sure, you’ve seen it before when it was animated, but the live-action version adds more to the story that the animated didn’t. It’s literally a carbon copy remake and that is where the films falls. If you seen the original, then you don’t really need to see this one. I do recommend seeing it as it’s a joy.

Rating: 4 out of 5

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Movie Review: Descendants 2

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It’s the “High School Musical” of this generation and then newest Disney Channel Original Movie franchise that will be milked for every bit of money that Disney can get out of it. And I’m reviewing it so you know whether you should watch it or not. Fun fact: I’m actually 26 years old but you would never guess by the fact that I’m reviewing a movie geared towards people half my age. I feel old now.

Unlike this review, “Descendants 2” doesn’t feature Kristen Chenoweth. That is a travesty because she is an amazing gift. “Descendants 2” takes place shortly after the first movie. It follows Mal, Evie, Carlos, and Jay as they continue to adjust to life in Auradon. Mal is still in a relationship with Ben and both prepare for life when he becomes king. Things take a turn when Mal and Ben fight about Mal “fitting in” with the people of Auradon. This causes her to run back to the Isle where it’s soon discovered that life has moved on with them there and there’s a new person in charge-Uma, the daughter of Ursula from “The Little Mermaid.” Chaos ensues as everything goes to the Isle to get Mal to return to Auradon.

This movie is extremely better than the first one. Besides the fact you can tell that there was a bigger budget for this film, the plot makes more sense and doesn’t feel like it only conveniently brought up when the story benefits from it. This movie’s plot is consistent and brought out throughout the movie. The music is also very well done. It’s much more catchy and just make you want to get down. “It’s Goin’ Down” is probably the best group song out of all the full cast numbers in their movie, which is saying something because the opening number “Way to Be Wicked” was lit.

“Space Between” is hands down the best number in the entire franchise.  There’s just so much sexual tension between Mal and Evie in this song that you know they were an item before Mal got with Ben and Evie got with Doug. This is song between past lovers that also happen to be best friends. Sofia Carson and Dove Cameron just rock that ballad beautifully. Give me more of this! Oh, speaking of this, apparently there’s a deleted scene where Harry and Gil are lock lips with each other. Disney, I appalled this and keep it up.

The only bad part of the movie is the final act, which is after “It’s Goin’ Down” to the end. It just long and makes you go “is this really how the movie ends?” and then when the plot twist happens, you end up just going “when did that happen?” It’s not horribly bad but could have been done quicker or made it more interesting. It also suffers from a lackluster finish. The way it ended didn’t really make sense, especially when Uma was given the same offer earlier on in the movie and denied it.

“Descendants 2” is an amazing sequel to the original movie. It’s way better than the original movie in every way. It’s extremely interesting throughout the film but sadly fails to find the proper final act that the movie should have had. Also, it needed more Kristen Chenoweth.

Rating: 4 out of 5

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Top 5ive: Hannah Montana

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It’s time to reflect on an amazing artist that was taken too soon. It’s time that we list the top songs of Hannah Montana.

If you don’t know who the fuck Hannah Montana is then you need to go watch all four season of what some consider to be the greatest Disney Channel show of all time. Hannah is a cultural iconic. So let’s break down the Top 5ive Hannah Montana songs. “The Best of Both Worlds” isn’t on the list because it’s the most iconic song of the entire series. It’s too obvious that it was going to be number one.

5. I’ll Always Remember You

While the “Hannah Montana: Forever” isn’t as memorable as the third before it, “I’ll Always Remember You” is a classic because of how it’s used in the show. It was played as Miley Stewart pondered revealing her secret to the world and clips played as Miley walked around her closet. It was soul crushing and made the fact that the show was ending. It’s also showed off Hannah’s vocals so well.

4. Life’s What You Make It

One of the only songs off of the first two soundtracks that didn’t talk about leading a double life, “Life’s What You Make It” is a jam. It’s a song with a message that doesn’t get old about just living life to the fullest no matter the situation. It was the song that unfortunately followed “Nobody’s Perfect” but it was just a jam. Especially when it came to her live performances. It’s also made me upset that we never got to see the Hannah Montana Concert taping in full. Like, you are already filming it, just air it make money off of it.

3. Rock Star

This song should have been single for “Hannah Montana 2” because they played it enough on Disney Channel. “Rock Star” is one of the underrated songs off of that album. It had an infectious beat with lyrics that presented the whole “double life” that wasn’t obvious but yet did it in a more relatable way. Let’s be real, at some points with the musical directions, it was shocking that no one ever assumed that Hannah Montana might not be who she seems. With “Rock Star,” it was more like “I’m not the typical girl. I could fix your car while fixing my hair.” That’s way more relatable them most of the double life lyrics that was presented in the show.

2. Ice Cream Freeze

The most underrated song in the entire show’s history. It’s a hidden gem on the “Hannah Montana 3” soundtrack. It’s pretty much Hannah’s answer to the “Hoedown Throwdown.” It’s a dance pop line down number that mixes catchy lyrics with easy dance moves. The groove wasn’t bad either with some country influences in there. It’s just one of those songs that will put a smile on your face.

1. Nobody’s Perfect

This song. Where do I begin with this song. “Nobody’s Perfect” is just as iconic as “The Best of Both Worlds.” It’s the sister’s song of it. Everything thing about just amazing. The lyrics are catchy, the music video and her outfit are forever stuck in our heads. They even made a cover of it where Miley, Lily, and Oliver used it to help memorize the bones. It’s like they made this song with the idea of changing the theme song in season two. It would have been such a good theme as well, even though it’s hard to imagine the show without hearing “The Best of Both Worlds.” But this song will forever be the second greatest song in the history of the show.

Honorable Mention: “The Best of Both Worlds”

The movie mix is the best version of “The Best of Both Worlds,” but this song is iconic.

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