How to be more attractive on Facebook

facebook attractive

Today is your lucky day. I have decided to share with you tips for making yourself more attractive on Social Media. I know what you may be thinking, “Steven, how the hell do you know how to be attractive on Social Media?” Well, I’m awesome and I know what is attractive because I have eyes. So here is how to be attractive on Social Media. We are kicking it off on Facebook.

While Facebook is a dying platform (you know I’m right), it’s still used by many of people around the world. It’s also what I call the “job resume of dating.” People look at it and just judge the living hell out of it. Like if you constantly post on their depressing and sad things, then people are going to think you are depressing and a mood killer, and no one wants to date someone who will be all Def Jam poet about how their bird died when they were 10 and caused them to have trust issues (Spoiler: no one cares). As they say on the school yard, “build and bridge and get over it or else you are going to be a friendless troll that lives under it.”

You also don’t want to post statuses with short and uninteresting things. That makes you look like you spent your Saturday nights reading the dictionary and practicing how to tie your shoes. You want to post statuses that make you seem like they are missing out if you are not hanging out with you. If you are really reading a book, you post a status like “Going skinny dipping in my former principal’s pool” or “Doing a bunch of drugs with Charlie Sheen.” Even if it’s an impossible thing, you still seem like you’re a good time.

It’s also unattractive to post pictures of yourself to the point you’re doing more than you are breathing. Yes, it’s very important to have a picture of yourself, but if you are ugly then a lot of pictures is a dead giveaway to your ugliness. You want to only post a few photos of yourself looking your absolute best so that people think that you are only somewhat good-looking. Posting a lot of yourself can also make ridiculously good-looking people looks vain and shallower than a kiddy pool with a hole in it.

The death sentence of being unattractive is if you send a lot of game requests. You might as well just buy yourself a lot of cats because that’s the only love you will ever going to get. No one will want to date you if you send like 20 game requests a day. If you are going to send game requests, only send a few and make sure it’s socially acceptable games. Anything than the best is a felony and your sentence will be a life in solitary confinement of loneliness with cats. Moral of this paragraph: Game Request=lonely with cats.

The main thing to remember when you are making your dating resume on Facebook is that you should be yourself…but like 100x times cooler than you already are.

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Candy Crush ruins lives

candycrush

Are you in need of a new game to play on your phone while you are using the restroom? Are you looking for game that’s even more addicting than Angry Birds? Well we have a game for you! The game is called Candy Crush Saga, as you can tell by the banner that you see above this paragraph and with the link you clicked.

The game is like bejeweled but instead of having the players match items that represent greed, they have players match items that represent gluttony. In order to pass levels you must complete a series of obstacles like moving fruit down the board, getting rid of chocolate that reproduces faster than bunnies.

Be prepared to lose many hours to this game because you can play this game on Facebook (hence why it’s more addicting than Angry Birds). You can pretty much use your computer to play this game when you run out of lives on your mobile device. The game ruins lives because it just takes over your life…you start to look at candy in a different way after this.

 

Rating: 3 dentists out of 5 believe this game will give you cavities