Sweetwater Tea Episode 6: The Red Dahlia

Listen up fives, a ten is speaking and I’m in the mood for some chaos. Sorry to interrupt, sad breakfast club. The hounds are out in the town with pep. Someone decided to take a shot at Daddy. While it didn’t put Daddy into time out, someone will be grounded after this. While I wouldn’t mind a punishment from BDE Hiram Lodge, this kind of grounded will be more than one week. Was it Ronnie and Reggie taking a stand? Or did Archie inner demons take control of his soul? I think you better call an exorcist kiddos, either way. Someone is going to need a priest when it’s all said and done. Welcome to Sweetwater Tea.

Sorry, C. Even your bow and arrows with a side of sassy won’t be able to stop the wrath of Daddy.

Click here to read last week’s edition of Sweetwater Tea

All in the Family

While Daddy was in time out, looks like V put on the fur daddy coat to keep the family business running. Just like her father, who she recently left because she wasn’t into his business practices. Ronnie even got her own team to assist her after she fired the men that failed to protect her muscular father. They want her to align with the Grande family. Ronnie showed them that she has no tears left to cry for that family. So who was brave enough to help a girl out? Reggie Man-handle-me, aka Lonely boy 2.0, and the lodge family faithful butler Smithers. Personally, I would entrust them to save my life unless it was from a dust bunny or a very lonely night. But whatever floats Ronniekins yacht for this girl. Be careful though, V. Once you take a bite of the apple, you won’t be able to put it down. And sometimes, the apple has a bite to it if you pick the wrong one.

The fox in diamonds and pearls

V wasn’t the only Lodge to step in up their game while Daddy was in time out. Hermione was out in full force to show that she is that bitch. Hermikins tried to play dirty with the serpents. Turns out, the daddy in uniform was only there for his good looks and his ability to pawn in the Lodge’s game of Chess. Turns out, FP was going to be framed for daddy on daddy crime. Luckily for FP, Jughead, Sweet Pea, and sexy cucumber melon, aka Fangs, left the comfort of their Bath and Body Works sex bunker to follow Hermikins. Daughter doesn’t trust her Mommy after Daughter learned that Mommy has been running the fizzle rock drug empire with Daddykins. Not even the shade of their lavished stronghold will hide the lies. Especially when there’s more than just the Lodges in the lies.

Turns out that Hermione was looking for revenge on the dead Tall Boy shooting up her rally. According to Mama Lodge, it was all FP fault. It’s just too bad that Juggiekins found out before the Mama Lodge could put her plan into action. Oh, Hermikins, Didn’t Hiram teach you to have a backup plan for your plan? Or were you too busy dishing out your own personal brand of justice?

The Dirty Mistress Club membership is forever

It looks like the Dirty Mistress club has opened up an office in Riverdale. It so happens that the charter members are Hiram and Hermione Lodge. The first couple of Riverdale is seemingly having marital issues. While I don’t know who would want to cheat on the DILF of the year, Hermikins was actually sleeping with a deadman. Sheriff Minetta isn’t dead, in fact, he’s very much alive and well. He’s screwing Hermione in the woods. The same woods where Kevin Keller was going bear hunting. I guess the woods are very busy place in Riverdale, especially went it comes to transgressions of the skin.

What Hermikins said before she pulled the trigger

Hermione wasn’t the only who sleeping with the help. Turns out that Daddykins was sleeping with the local water inspector. That’s right, in exchange for fake reports about our lovely Sweetwater River, Hiram was giving Mrs. Mulwray his jingle jangle. Oh where would be without Jughead Jones and his ability to meddle in other people’s business? Sheriff Minetta wouldn’t be dead due to Hermione Lodge getting screwed over by him, FP and Jughead. Does Mrs. Mulwray have more to tell? Especially since she was linked with the town whore Penelope Blossom and her newest passion.

Les-be-honest, Penelope

Just when you thought that Penelope Blossom’s life was just as open as her legs, there’s something new that always keeps open. And no, Cheryl isn’t going to be a big sister. Penelope has opened up a little side business in Riverdale called The Maple Club. It’s a sex club where the lady of The Maple Club use whips, chains, and maple syrup on the men for pleasure and pain. Not exactly what Rihanna had in mind when she sang “S&M.” Our little Betty also starts to investigate Penelope after Claudius’ death was ruled a suicide. What recent death isn’t a bit suspicious? After all, this is Riverdale.

Nana Rose is always watching

Turns out, Penelope has a taste for murder and pleasure. Betty even got confirmation from the coroner that may or may not enjoy his job too much. Turns out that Mr. Blossom didn’t really kill himself. In fact, either did Claudius. Things got a little fishy with their deaths. And when things get fishy in Riverdale, it has Penelope Blossom’s name all over it. But before Betty can go and spill the beans, a good old fashion Blossom blackmail. Hal Cooper apparently spilled the beans on what Betty did to her fake brother Chic. I don’t know how someone can have that much pillow talk when it only last 5 seconds but it was enough to have B keeping her secrets. What else has Hal Cooper spilled to the world? Does he realize that it’s my job to spill everyone’s tea? But if I was Betty, I would put on her serpent jacket. That may be the only protection she can get to cover up her family secrets.

The pussycat and dem abs

Hey A, You and J aren’t going to happen

It appears that Riverdale’s lone pussycat seems to have taken in a stray. After making a hot drunken seen in his ex-girlfriend’s humble speakeasy, J took in Archiekins to the showers to sober the hottie up. Not only did they both keep their clothes on but Josiekins seems to help A get back into his musical roots. Let’s just hope the boy doesn’t want to be a singer again. But did I see a twinkle in Josie’s eye for the redheaded hottie? Or was that just pity for the little stray? Oh J, you could do so much better than the Archiekins. Sure, he’s a hot piece of meat. But being the rebound is something you are better than. Or are you just desperate for attention?

The handshake

Are you there, god? Has hell frozen over Riverdale? If so, please send help. A and Daddykins have called a truce in their hot yet douchey war. After Archiekins prevented a masked man from killing Hiram Lodge, something that A was looking to do himself. Don’t worry, A. You’re secret is always safe with me…for now. The real question is that is Archie and Hiram teaming up for a little destruction? I do know one thing for sure. When you are dealing with Hiram Percy Cornelius Lodge, you better have your ducks in a row. Because when you least expect it, your ducks will be run down by a limo. Not even a six pack of abs can save you from Hiram’s limo running you down.

Now that Daddykins is back up and kicking, some sort of order will be restored in the town with pep. Or will more chaos occur now that the Lodges hand has been shown? If I was Hiram, I would more concerned with what his mistress will be bringing to the table. We all know that it will be a gun, but will the gun be loaded with bullets or just vivid details of their luscious and scandalous affair? Hope you have more than condoms for protection, Hiram. You’re now playing with fire and if you don’t watch out, you’re about to get burnt.

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‘Cruel Intentions 3’ was a step in the right direction

Because there’s a review for the first and second one, I felt like we need to finish off the franchise because it’s only fair. After watching “Cruel Intentions 2,” I came into “Cruel Intentions 3” will little to no expectations. I pretty much just went in hoping and wish that it wasn’t as bad as the second one. That one was a fucking trainwreck.

The moral of the “Cruel Intentions” series

Click here for the review for Cruel Intentions|Cruel Intentions 2

If you want to be so much like Kathryn, then let me be your Sebastian.

“Cruel Intentions 3” was released in 2004 as a direct-to-DVD sequel. No one from the original movie returned and honestly, for the best. The only thing that ties this movie to the two before is that the main female is related to the queen bitch Kathryn. It stars Kerr Smith (“Dawson’s Creek”) and Kristina Anapau (“True Blood”) as Jason Argyle and Cassidy Merteuil respectively.

The movie follows Jason and Cassidy as they use the people around them in bets that get them money, power, and sex. Things get a wild when Jason’s roommate gets involved and things start to get a little real and the bets take a more manipulative toll on the people around them. It’s pretty much a new take of the plot we have had in the last two movies. It’s nice to see them not use the same plot points.

This movie is a hundred times better than “Cruel Intentions 2.” It felt more like a movie and I could tell that they put more effort into it. It was more of a sequel than the one before it. It’s still not up to the level of the first one. That’s pretty hard to do because it’s iconic.

Meet Cassidy and Jason. They aren’t step-siblings so this isn’t creepy

The acting in it is still iffy but it’s not as noticeable with this one because the actors portrayed their characters so much better. It was way more believable this time around. It could be that they are all new characters but either way, I liked the characters more. As I said, it probably has to do with the fact they are new characters and not characters that I’ve already known and liked before they got new actors. They aren’t as good as OG Kathryn and Sebastian but they are better than the versions in “Cruel Intentions 2.”

Now I will say this: this movie came across as softcore porn. There’s actually a couple of very graphic sex scenes that are pretty much softcore porn. It’s actually kind of awkward sex scenes too. They don’t really add things to the movie. It’s kind of like they just threw in some sex scenes to make it spicy.

When it comes to the main plot of the movie, there is too much going on to keep up. There’s multiple plots points going on and it gets hard to follow at some points. Is it really necessary to have multiple bets going on? There’s also more side characters that don’t really do anything. Some set up a plot point for it to make sense and then other times it’s kind of like “Why are you here?” One thing that “Cruel Intentions 2” did right was it let the plot flow naturally and not have too much going on. This is just too much thrown at you for the sake of filling time.

Verdict

“Cruel Intentions 3” is a much better movie than “Cruel Intentions 2.” It’s still nothing compared to the first movie but it was a step in a better direction. The fact that it had little to do with the original helped it greatly. What didn’t help it was that the plot had too much going on. The sex scenes were meh and felt placed to make the rating. Honestly, I wouldn’t have minded seeing this become the television show. The characters were new and likable. I honestly want to know what happens to them after the awkward transition at the end.

Rating: 3 out of 5

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Top 5ive Iconic Theme songs from The WB

I have developed an addiction to the teen dramas of the late 90s and early 00s. Hulu is currently feeding my addicting and is my drug dealer. And no, this isn’t a sponsor deal. Through, I am totally down for one if Hulu would like to make it one. I’ll even take a Netflix sponsor deal too as they also have a good amount of classic teen shows. I thought it was only fitting that we take a moment to remember the channel that gave us such good memories in the 90s. The WB. It premiered on January 11th in 1995. In the late 90s early 2000s, The WB had literally all the best shows. They also had the most iconic theme songs as well.

In honor of what was a staple to many teens, it’s time to reminisce about their top 5ive iconic theme songs. So these are all song that was raised to their iconic status by the fact their television were everything.

“Save Me” by Remy Zero from “Smallville”

Before there was “Arrow,” The WB had the show “Smallville.” The show followed the origin story of Clark Kent, better known as Superman. It ran for 10 seasons and this show was pretty much everything. I missed it during its original run (I was 10 when it premiered). But the show opening is so iconic that we are still talking about it. Hearing “SOMEBODY SAAAVVVEEE MMEEEE” on your tv just brings back the feels. I need somebody to save me every time I hear it. The video that played was just so cool. Especially towards the end of the series. The explosions at the actor slowly come front and their name appears is everything.

“I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin Degraw from “One Tree Hill”

Remember the hunk that was Chad Michael Murray, or CMM? If you don’t, he was Zac Efron before while Zac Efron was on “Summerland.” Well, he was on a little show called “One Tree Hill.” It about two half-brothers and their life on a hill with only one tree. It was pretty much like Dawson’s Creek. For seasons one through four and season eight, they used “I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin Degraw as the opening. The way they used the song to was just everything. It starts off nice and slow and building up to kicking into the beat and really setting the tone for what to expect. The song is more iconic than the actual opening video. It’s just kind of blah compared to other iconic openings.

“I Don’t Want to Wait” by Paula Cole from “Dawson’s Creek”

While if you watch the show on Hulu, this song isn’t in the opening but rather just a more awkward song. The opening for “Dawson’s Creek” is probably the most iconic both audio and video. You have a playful song just casually playing in the background while the cast is just chilling there having fun at the creek in Massachusetts. Apparently, it doesn’t snow there or it only does it in small burst. Anyways “I Don’t Want to Wait” still doesn’t fit with the opening but yet it fits with the overall theme of the show. You can’t help but think of James Van Der Beek paddling his little boat up a creek that you can easily walk around or through. Either way, this was the format for all teen drama openings.

“How soon is now?” by Love Spit Love from “Charmed”

“How soon is now?” was pretty much a staple of many 90’s shows and movie. It was most famously featured in the witchcraft movie “The Craft” before it became the anthem for the Aaron Spelling show “Charmed.” Following three powerful witch sisters, “Charmed” had the same feeling that “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” had as it was this kickass show where they found demons and other supernatural themes villains. While the song is no longer there when you binge in the show on Netflix, this theme song is iconic. Even the opening video playing under it had a super cool effect and it just gave off such nice vibe.

Honorable Mention

“‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ Theme” by Nerf Herder from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”

While this isn’t an actual song, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” is the single most iconic show that the WB gave the world. It would be a tragedy not to mention this show. They took the 1992 movie that wasn’t very good and turned into a teenage masterpiece. The theme for the series just made everything click. While I prefer the newer version of the theme from Season 3 to season 7, it’s still such an iconic theme and opening. The hero shot at the end always makes me smile.

“Where You Lead” by Carole King and Louise Goffin from “Gilmore Girls”

Whether you actually watched this show or not, everyone knows the theme song from “Gilmore Girls.” It just has one of those theme songs that while it gets a tad bit annoying, it’s just an iconic because it perfectly matched the theme and the overall feel of the show. It was a show about small-town life and dealing with what comes up in your life. It’s honestly a show that I didn’t get or find funny until I got older. It’s a funnier version of “Seinfeld.” I’ll end it there before I ruffle too many feathers.

All the shows mentioned above are available on either Netflix and Hulu (hit me up if you are looking to hook up me with a brand deal). I recommend watching all of them because it’s really interesting to see how teen shows have progressed from then and now. Until then, I’ll go back to wishing I was a teen in the late 90s.

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Jojo shows ‘Mad Love’ with her third album

It’s a new month and a new year. Since it’s January and this artist just re-released all of her old music, it’s only fitting to dedicate a whole month to her. Welcome to Jojo January. No, it’s for JoJo Siwa and her obsession with big bows. That’s all the jokes I’m going to make about her since she’s only like 8 years old. I’m talking about the original teen queen Jojo. There are four Fridays in January and she happens to have three albums and two extra songs on iTunes.

The final Friday in Jojo January is here! It’s been a fun time and it’s rather sad that it’s coming to close but at least we’ve gotten to the happier time. It’s time to review the latest album that Miss Levesque has given into the world. Let’s talk about “Mad Love.”

Click Here to read the review: “Jojo”|“The High Road”|“Disaster”

Fake Ass Bitches

“Mad Love” was released in 2016 by Jojo. It came out 10 years after her second album “The High Road.” It was a long time coming and honestly one of the most anticipated releases of Jojo’s entire career. It was her first release on her new label Atlantic Records. They did her right. It was finally here. We final got the third album we should have gotten five to six years ago.

The album itself is literally everything. It was Jojo’s first adulthood album. The themes in the album have more of a mature feel to it. It has explicit lyrics to some of the song and as you probably are aware, I live for child/teen stars swearing up a storm. So hearing Jojo say the f word made this album for me.

The album tells and takes you through a story. It’s a slightly emotional start with the song “Music” before getting lighter and more upbeat. The album still has its moments but it has a decent amount of bops with this album. Some of my faves or “I Can Only,” “Fuck Apologies,” “FAB,” “High Heels,” “Edibles,” and “Vibe.” I’m a sucker for killer vocals and good beat.

I do wish that the song from her EP “III” would have made it on to the album. I get why they aren’t but they would have been a better fit than some of the song on the album. Even just as extra songs. “III” was a good taste for what we got in “Mad Love,” it’s just a shame that those three songs were over looked.

Verdict

“Mad Love” is the album that I highly recommend to everyone. It takes you on a journey from start to finish. It’s not an overly emotional journey but still a journey. Some songs are better than others but overall, it’s everything. It’s not like “The High Road” but it’s still a great album. “Mad Love” is a instant classic album.

I highly recommend also checking out Jojo’s mixtapes because they too are fire.

Rating: 4 out of 5

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