Another letter to Santa

Dear Santa Claus,

Hello there! It’s me again. I hope this letter finds you well. I’m very glad to see that you still aren’t in jail. Don’t worry, karma ends up catching up to you eventually. Again, I’m joking slightly. I’m writing you this letter again because I need you to give some gifts out for me. I’m broke af, I cannot afford to get some of these gifts. Not to mention that some of these gifts are impossible for me to get. Just be happy that I’m getting you this letter before Christmas. Anyways here’s my list. 

Kim Kardashian has been working on the same letter since last year 

CLICK HERE TO READ LAST YEAR’S LETTER TO SANTA

Bailey Miller: Queen of Jelly, Bows, and city treasure

You failed me last year, Santa. I asked you to get my friend, click here to follow her on Twitter, Nick Jonas and you gave him to the wrong girl. Now he’s off and married unaware that he’s missing out a lifetime of free jam and jelly. Sure, I might have asked you to get her a new man but you still should have made her dreams come true with Nick Jonas. That what you are about. Making dreams come true? I’m also still waiting to find KJ Apa a good home but that’s something we can discuss another time.

This year, please get Bailey a man since you took Nick Jonas off the market. I’m serious too! You need to make it up for her. I recommend a CW star because they are all super attractive. Charles Melton, Reggie from “Riverdale,” would be a good fit for her. Cole Sprouse but one of his characters dated a Bailey and that would be awkward. In college, she liked to watch frat boys and patiently wait for them to ask her to the sock hop and to get a soda pop. That gives you an idea of who to have your vertically challenged slaves kidnap and put a bow on. Oh, and she would also like Demi Lovato to release more music. I would also like her to do go to Lindsay Lohan’s beach club so she can truly go on a Lohan holiday. 

Donald Trump

…..I’m still waiting for the refund….

Victoria Justice

While I may in the past have made comments on about Vicky J, I think WE ALL need to be a little nicer on the girl who may or may not bullied Ariana Grande and ended the gem “VICTORiOUS.” Without her, we wouldn’t have Ariana Grande’s rise to be a pop star. For that, I decided that she doesn’t coal this year. Please give Victoria Justice a career again. It doesn’t have to be anything too long or good, just something that will tie her over. I wouldn’t mind if that would be a “VICTORiOUS” reunion movie. I think WE ALL would agree that it would be great. Santa, let’s make Vicky J great again!

People of the United States

Like last year, Please give the people of the United States the ability to pull their heads out of their self-centered asses and think of others instead of themselves. Also, please make them less rude. 

Jake Paul

While I might have suggested that he and his brother, Logan, might have sold their soul to the devil, I think he deserves a little Christmas joy this year. I would like Jake Paul to have some actually true friends. While he has friends, I would like him to have some that will be good influences on him. What I got from Shane Dawson’s docuseries is that he needs those in his life. He has a good head on his shoulders but he need the right people in his life to make smart decisions. 

I hope you are able to deliver these gifts to them. It would make me the happiest boy in the world. Please let me know when you are going to come visit my house. I have my attack cats ready to assault you. They are trained to protect the house. Hope to see you soon!

Your “friend,”

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Steven Kaufman

Leave your thoughts/tea in the comments below. Make sure you follow me on Twitter for more of that tea.

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A letter to Santa Claus

santa

Santa, can you hear me?

Dear Santa,

I hope this letter finds you well as you prepare to break into countless homes around the world in order to give the children you find worthy gifts. Joking about you breaking into homes…sort of. If you want to read more about here my article where I pretty much call you creepy. Anyways, I writing you this letter last minute because I have some people I would like you to give some gifts. And because you are a very “busy man,” let’s be real: you enslaved vertically challenged people to do your bidding, I broke it down in a sort of bullet points. They are after this gif of Kim Kardashian West pretending that she can read.

My friend Bailey Miller: queen of Bows, Jelly, and being extra af

You might remember her. Here’s her twitter because she wants that free promo for nothing. smh. She wanted me to ask you for Nick Jonas under her Christmas tree but I told her that you only give out new toys and not old ones. So please get her a new mantoy to obsessive over. No one should get hammy downs for Christmas. I recommend KJ Apa because he has “dem abs,” a sugar daddy, or even one of those Disney stars that aren’t a 50 year playing a teenager. You might want to get her something to keep her alive because she’s always saying that “she’s dead.” If she is dead when you get there, I will find a good home for KJ. Oh, she’s also very jelly that Jojo’s bow game. Please make it okay for someone in their mid 20s to wear bows. But take that ability away once her bows become they engulf her head.

Jojo Siwa

She’s literally everywhere this year and I just have two simple requests for her. Please get her something that will make less like she’s sharing Honey Boo Boo’s gogo juices. Also, please take her to a good doctor for her neck. Her bows are the size of her head, that really can’t be good for the neck in the long run, especially when she’s shaking it all around. Honestly, if you can get her a lot of small bows, the world would thank you as well as her parents in the future because those medical bills will break their bank.

President Trump

I know asking for a refund on this one is asking for too much, so can you please just take away his Twitter, his ego, his ability to talk, and his ability to be seen on TV? Also, please get him a membership to hair club to men. That hair is something no one should have to see or live with.

People of the United States

This one is a biggy. Please give the people of the United States the ability to pull their heads out of their self centered asses and think of others instead of themselves. Also, please make them less rude.

The Kardashian/Jenner Family

What do you get the family that literally has everything? Please get them more important things to do than just being on a reality show. I’m kind of over them to a certain degree. I still will celebrate anniversary’s by Kardashian’s rather than gems, because Kardashian’s are forever. I just would like one year where I don’t have to hear about who they are getting “jolly” with. Also, please get them more clothes. Every year, it seems like their clothes are shrinking or they are just losing them. Oh, please give Scott Disick more screen time because he’s the best thing about the show.

I hope you are able to deliver these gifts to them. It would make me the happiest boy in the world. Please let me know when you are going to come visit my house. I have my attack cats ready to assault you. They are trained to protect the house. Hope to see you soon!

Your “friend,”

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Steven Kaufman

Leave your thoughts in the comments below. Make sure you follow me on Twitter for more cool things.