Sweetwater Tea Episode 4: No Exit

Listen up fives, a ten is speaking and I’m in the mood for some chaos. Sorry to interrupt, sad breakfast club. No one is leaving and they are certainly are entering the town with pep. Can you really blame them? I wouldn’t want to leave the town with Hiram Lodge in it. Don’t worry your little heads, Riverdale. I’m still here to give you a hot cup of tea that you deserve. It’s not as contiguous like the lies plaguing the town. Welcome to Sweetwater Tea.

Don’t worry B. It will all be over soon…at least you hope

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It’s a mad mad world

It’s been five long weeks since Daddykins closed the gates into Riverdale. Archiekins is off being a hot metrosexual lumberjack. I wonder if Kevin Keller gave him some tips on surviving the woods. After all, he’s an expert on it. As dem abs settle into his life in the woods, someone decides to commit a felony by injuring 2018 hottest redhaired male. Who would do such a heinous act? It’s not like there’s a bounty on A’s head. With Ronniekins not there to nurse his wounds, poor A began to see dead people. Either I’ll have what he’s having or something bad is coming towards that Archie. Word of the river is that by the time someone got to poor Archiekins, it might have been a little too late. Could Hiram have finally stuck it to A or is he just a casualty of war? But hey, it could have been just a bear…I heard from Kevin Kevin there’s a lot of them in the woods.

The lies Daddykins tells me

Grab your armor, there’s a civil war going on. Veronica Cecilia Lodge has decided to go to war with her father. Daughter like Father, right? You think that Hiram would be proud that V is just a little version of him. But all is fair in love and war. And it’s war when you have something that the DILF wants. And the DILF wants part of Veronica’s money. He plans on getting by any mean necessary. For someone who swears he’s not the Gargoyle King, having a gang of Gargoyles attack Ronniekins’ shipments doesn’t help that cause.

But how does one fight Gargoyles? With serpents, of course. V used her connections with the serpent king to signed them up for the standard Lodge employment plan: cheap labor and protection. Too bad Hiram’s gang wasn’t the thing that Ronnie needs protections for. V was spotted kissing Reggie “douchey abs” Mantle in her place of business. I don’t know what kind of business she is running but sign me up. What would Archie think about Veggie becoming a thing? Oh, wait…

Choni and the Pussycats

The Pussycats are back in town and they have a taste for petty thef, women, and the finer things in life. Too bad they aren’t the ones that sang and swayed behind Josie Mccoy. Cheryl Bombshell and Toni might have long tails and ears for hats but they are teaming up for a little destruction. Besides stealing kisses and jewelry, Cheryl also looks like she is after more. The HBIC is back and she’s looking for her crown. Too bad that she was quickly put in her place by the Serpent King. Does Jughead not realize that hell hath no fury like a Blossoms scorn?

The Betty Cooper Foundation for the Children of the Gargoyle

Like taking in a box of homeless kittens, our little dynamo Betty Cooper has taken in the children she freed from Our Lady of Quiet Mercy and Murder. In between hot love sessions with Jughead and trying to take down Daddykins with jailed nuns, B seems to have bitten off more than she could chew. Even Riverdale’s resident MILF, Alice Cooper, believes so. Turns out, the farm takes in all the strays. If anyone can help the children of the gargoyle kick their cult-like addiction to role-playing games and drugs, it’s another cult that throws babies in a fire pit while on drugs.

Guess B lose their support once they realize that the only thing she’s the queen of is being shady. And just when you think B’s day can’t get any worst, the sisters of Our Lady of Quiet Mercy and Murder decided it was time to meet their maker and take a vow of silence for eternity. If I was B, I would head down the river for some magically inspirational. Or maybe a trip to the sex bunker with J will help her get inspired. Or is that where she’s just keeping her secrets for now?

Buckle up, bitches…

Seems like the only thing that Riverdale needs to be quarantined from is all the lies. As Hiram’s plan falls in place, what will the town with pep do once they realize that the abs of Riverdale are in danger? Or will it all just be a drug-induced dream? Only time will tell. Go into your sex bunker kiddos, a nuclear bomb is about to go off in Riverdale.

If you breathe it’s because I give you air….

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Sweetwater Tea Episode 3: Across the river ​​to Greendale ​​we go!

Listen up fives, a ten is speaking and I’m in the mood for some chaos. Sorry to interrupt, sad breakfast club. Riverdale isn’t the only town around Sweetwater River that is hustling and bustling with drama these days. There’s been plenty to go around in the town of Greendale. Some may even say that the drama in Greendale would belong in another realm. Welcome to Sweetwater Tea.

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There’s something magical in the air

While some may forget that Riverdale’s own Cheryl Blossom once healed a certifiable DILF with her last kiss ever to man, Greendale has people that are both magical and sassy just like the simply iconic Cheryl Bombshell. Your friendly neighborhood witches live in the town. They are just a little less friendly and a little sassier. That’s right citizens of Greendale, it’s just not the plants that are green. If you ever wanted to meet them, just head down to the local mortuary. I hear that Sabrina Spellman and the whole Spellman clan have that “magically touch” with the customers that walk in. They have a special connection to the dead.

Word around the coven is that Sabrina’s 16th birthday party was something that will always be remembered. Did you really think you could have a party without inviting moi? Maybe that why the party ended in a mob or it could have been the fact that Sabrina turned down her date with the devil? I guess that Sabrina was never taught the golden rule: better the devil you know.

Love was in the air but now it’s down the toliet

Oh, Harvey. It won’t be for long.

Unless you are new in town, then you aware of the front-runners for cutest couple award in the Baxter High. And no, I’m not talking about the vice principal that is cheating on his wife with a head cheerleader named Libby. Sabrina and Harvey Kinkle seem to be attracted to each other like a magnet. It’s like our little Sabrina has a spell placed on Harvey. But Harvey isn’t the only member of the Kinkle clan that is under Sabrina’s spell. No one hasn’t seen or heard from Harvey’s hunky older brother ever since he survived the coal mine explosion. It’s like he magically disappeared. Maybe that’s why the other kinkle sent Sabrina flying off on her broomstick alone.

But don’t you worry your little head. Sabrina seemed to bounce rather quickly. She was seen hanging around her new school with a new man. Nicholas Scratch to be exact. Whether it was just a private tutoring session or Nicholas just want to make some magic with her, it was getting hot and heavy. But before you go thinking of ship names, I’m fond of Sabrichols or Nibrina, it seemed to not go very far. Sabrina turned down the chance to participate in an orgy with young Nicholas and a few other attractive people. Apparently, three or more is a crowd for Sabrina. Or it could have been that her cousin was in there with his boo. Loosen up, Sabrina. You never want to pass up on orgy with the one you love. Especially when they look like Nicholas Scratch.

Everyone’s favorite teacher got a new look

Was I the only one that noticed the sudden change in Mary Wardwell appearance at school? It’s like she magically got a facelift overnight. One would say that she sold her soul to Satan just to look young and hot. She went from frump school teacher to a MILF. She’s so MILF-tastic that even the local pizza boy wasn’t seen after one delivery with her. Was she that good in bed or did her newest pet project Sabrina help her with something magical? Either way, there’s something dark and magically about Mary Wardwell. It’s turning all the men in Greendale on.

Didn’t think that so much tea could be spilled in the little town that Hiram Lodge doesn’t even notice? Maybe Daddykins should sell his soul and abs to Satan. Maybe then he can finally not to worry about another set of abs with red hair. If Daddykins needs any more help, he can certainly hit me up. I’ll happily distract dem abs so everyone favorites DILF can plot and scheme. I hear plotting and scheme turns the Mayor of Riverdale on. Maybe that’s how a lowly business owner in Fred Andrews was able to get in her pants more than once. So until next time, if you breathe it’s because I give you air.

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Sweetwater Tea Episode 1: What the jingle jangle is happening on ‘Riverdale?’

Grab your milkshake from Pop’s because it’s about to go down. Welcome to the first edition of Sweetwater Tea.  Each week I’ll be breaking what the hell is happening on Riverdale. Since the mid-season just finished, let’s talk about the highlight of season three. Buckle up, I’m in the mood for a little chaos. WARNING: SPOILERS WILL BE AFTER THIS POINT. 

Archie is in ‘Orange is the New Black now?’ 

Yes, this all happened in a matter of eight episodes

I’m apologizing in advance, this season has been a blur. Season Three began with the trial of Archie Andrews and his abs that you can bake cookies on. Archie was found guilty after Hiram Lodge did what he does best and had the new sheriff tampered with the witness. Long story short with the Archie in jail storyline: he escapes and ends up getting acquitted thanks to Veronica and Mrs. McCoy. Oh, Sheriff ends up dead.

Archie ends up running away with Jughead to save all his friends from Hiram’s revenge. Hiram probably just wants to kill him for the amount of sex he is having with his daughter. They go visit jughead’s mother and sister after Archie showing off his glistened abs and letting a stranger hold a long ass razor to his face and shave his nonexistent facial hair off.  Turns out that Archie has a bounty on his head thanks to Hiram. It’s also on the heads of anyone that helps him. Ms. Jones calls the 2/3 of DILF squad (FP and Fred Andrews make it up with Tom Keller) to escort their sons on their respective path: Archie is running from his problems and Jughead heads back to Riverdale. 

Oh no!The kids are addicted to a RPG

Said no one ever about the Our Lady of Quiet Mercy and Murder

The main arch ends up being that Hiram Lodge is trying to use his Big Dick Energy to take full control of Riverdale. In order to do so, he uses the game Gryphons & Gargoyles. Think of a dark and twisted version of Dungeons and Dragons. The game takes over Riverdale and makes people end up taking a drug produced by at old Southside high called fizzle rocks. The drugs end up making people have seizures and see things. While Hiram and his big dick are the villains of the season, the gang are trying to figure who the hell is the creepy gargoyle king.

The game and the king turns out to be a tool the sisters at Our Lady of Quiet Mercy and Murder use to keep the “bad girls” in line. Apparently, 5 Seconds of Summer didn’t teach them that good girls are bad girls that haven’t been caught. They also a testing ground for Hiram and his fizzle rocks. There was also some character building side plots but for the sake of time, I’ll skip over it. That’s even harder to explain. Caught up? Probably not but it will do. Let’s get into the tea

How stupid can the main four be?

Betty, Veronica, Archie, and Jughead having just been acting like total dumbasses this season. Archie is just too trusting of a person. Like he’s just a set of abs and lacks little common sense. He just lets everyone in on his life and plans when he is on the run. Did his parent teach him not to talk to strangers? Probably not, his parents are Molly Ringwald and Luke Perry. They were teen royalty back in the day.

I volunteer to hose down Archiekins

Veronica is trying to take down and be two steps of her daddykins but yet she keeps telling her parents all about her info she finds out. Like what’s the point of even trying if you are just going to spill the beans. Loose lips sink ships, Ronnie! Then she hasn’t caught on that Reggie wants in her skirt. She’s a single gal now. I fully support and ship Veggie. I’m still hoping for Kerchie to happen. Finger crossed. 

Betty and Jughead just need to stop having sex in the dead kid’s bunker. I would ask them if they could have sex in any other place besides there but Lili Reinhart answered that for me on twitter. They are smart of half of the main four but like c’mon guys. You are making me want to be Team Daddykins. In fact, both couples are rabbits. They are having sex like left and right. Do you guys not have anything else do to? As Lili said in her tweet to me “The answer is no.” They all need a good hose down. 

Don’t mess with Hiram Lodge

Nothing is out of his control. NOTHING. 

After how dumb everyone that isn’t Josie, Kevin, Cheryl, and Toni is, I’ve joined Team Daddykins. Besides the fact that Hiram leaves you slightly turned on and pissed on, he has this entire town under this finger. His wife is the mayor and he has his hands in all the pots. In one episode where it was three separate stories, he was involved in EVERY SINGLE ONE. While it’s all shade business dealings, he has plans and a bunch of backup plans. You can’t make him nervous. Unless you happen to be a ripped red-head sticking it to his daughter every five minutes. He’s either very jealous or just wants Archie for himself. That’s a plot twist for you. But I’m fully supporting him just so he knocks some sense and brains into the main four. Team Daddykins for life!

Riverdale: The Purge

ICONIC QUEEN

The midseason finale ended with Veronica’s mother having the city of Riverdale locked down because Hiram has the governor of whatever state they are in working for him as well. So it’s like the purge. No one can enter and no one can leave. We also know that Cheryl is preparing for war. When the iconic queen, who has gotten the shaft so far, is going war. WE ALL GO TO WAR. Cheryl and her bow are all Riverdale need to save the town.

It looks like the rest of the season is going to be a real barn burner. I just wish that it made more sense but it’s “Riverdale.” Does “Riverdale” ever make sense? I hope you enjoyed the first episode of Sweetwater Tea. It returns when “Riverdale” comes back on January 16th. Until then, I recommend rewatching because you’ll need it. It’s been a confusing season. 

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