Top 5ive: Christmas songs that aren’t annoying

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year

If you are like me, you cannot stand Christmas music. Like, why do we need to have 50 different versions of the same song? Sure, some are WAY better than others but still. How many times do you want to hear “Jingle Bells?” Probably only once. I personally never heard of anyone that just loves hear every single version of “Jingle Bell.” If you have, I wouldn’t associate with them anymore because they may or may not be a serial killer. Because of my “love” for Christmas music, I thought I would share my top five favorite Christmas songs that don’t make me want to shove a candy cane into my ear so far that they puncture my eardrums. That was graphic. Here’s a gif from “Mean Girls” that also will help you go into the Holiday spirit. Fun fact: Every time​ I hear “Jingle Bell Rock,” I do the thigh slap when it comes in the dance.

5. “Santa Claus lane” by Hilary Duff

While it’s not the greatest technically sounding sound, it is catchy as fuck. It’s was made early on in Hilary’s career, and while you can tell, it’s still good enough to get stuck in your head for days upon days. It was just all clean and wholesome fun. It’s sad that we have to reminisce about a clean and wholesome christmas song. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is such a kinky song. If you really try, “Santa Claus Lane” could also be an extremely dirty song. I’ll you pondering that.

4. “Greatest Time of Year” by Aly & AJ

Let’s be real for a moment, Aly & AJ are the unsung goddesses of mid 2000s Disney. You really don’t hear about them when people think back the “good ole days” of Disney.  “Greatest Time of Year” is just more to reasons why they are the best. It’s just a Christmas song that isn’t a Christmas. You can listen to it anytime of year and it will just put you in a happy mood. It just the best. Man, I’m so glad that they are back.

3. “It’s Not Christmas Without You” by Cast of ‘VICTORiOUS’

“VICTORiOUS” is literally the greatest Nickelodeon show that has ever graced our Television. When it’s on, it never gets old because of how it was written and how amazing the cast was. This song is just another reason for that because it’s a bop. You have killer vocals from a future Carrington, a future Grammy nominee….and Victoria Justice. I highly recommend this song if you are wanting something that isn’t slightly depressing. Most Christmas songs just sound depressing.

2. “Jolly to the Core” by Cast of ‘Descendants’

Never heard of this one? Well, that’s probably a good thing. This song is a Christmas version of the theme of the first “Descendants” movie, “Rotten to the Core.” It’s actually an extremely well done. Most times when people do this, it’s a shit show. This isn’t a shit show. It’s quite the opposite. It’s so catchy and is such a departure from its dubstep and EDM counterpart, it a breath of fresh air. Whoever thought of this way to milk more money out of the “Descendants” movie was a genius.

1. “All I Want For Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey

You really can’t hate this song because it’s fucking Mariah before she got all 50 shades of cray. It’s a catchy song and you can’t tell me you don’t queen out when she hit that’s whistle note that she’s so famous for. This song is just everything. It’s not overplayed, at least this version. We aren’t even going to get into the version she did with Bieber. It wasn’t bad but it just has so much wrong with it. I miss this MiMi.

Leave your thoughts in the comments below. Make sure you follow me on Twitter for more holiday cheer. 

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Top 5ive: Dan Schneider shows

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Dan Schneider created many shows that we have grown up loving. Like everything thing in life, we must list them in order to make them feel loved. Not all of my favorite could make the list. Mainly because they were as spectacular as the ones that made the list. Dan has the Midas touch when it comes to picking out talent and creating magic. So here are the Top 5ive Dan Schneider shows.

5. Zoey 101

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Who didn’t love Zoey 101? It was such good show. It doesn’t get the credit that it deserves. Sure, it wasn’t like the other shows that came from Dan but it was still a good one. It was more of a Drama than the other and it was written less of a comedy. It was pretty much a teen soap opera. And did so well. It didn’t take itself seriously but still made the situations dramatic.

4. iCarly

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“iCarly” took the comedy that made “Drake & Josh” popular (don’t worry, it’s on the list). It also took the rising popular of YouTube and help popularize the viral videos, as that was how the series’s web show “iCarly” became a thing. The writing on the show was extremely well written and introduced many of the things we loved about Dan’s shows.  You can thank “iCarly” for the many of YouTube channels.

3. Drake & Josh

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It’s the original spin-off of a spin-off that what really got everyone’s attention. “Drake & Josh” was the precursor to what iCarly became comedically. It was a show that was so ridiculous at times with the schemes and the plot, you couldn’t help but love it. It gave us a reason to call people boobs and to love Oprah. It also made us all want Pear products instead of Apple products.

2. VICTORiOUS

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The most inappropriate show ever and I loved every minute of it. The music was catchy and the songs were just amazing. The cast was amazingly well done. Every character stood out and made you laugh. The acting was the best I’ve seen on a Nickelodeon show in years. “VICTORiOUS” was pretty much the best show of the early 2010s. It’s also should be noted that it would be a tie between “VICTORiOUS” and “Drake & Josh.” The only reason “VICTORiOUS” beat it is for one name: Ariana Grande. The biggest name to come out of Nickelodeon in years. Dan, if you are reading this – hit me up! I have a treatment for a VICTORiOUS reunion.

1. All That

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It’s the show that started it all. It’s the sketch comedy show that we all love and continue to watch when it’s on “The Splat.” It was the kid version of SNL and it was so good. From “Vital Information” to “Good Burger,” every sketch is a classic that will always stand out in our hearts. Also, without “All That” we would live a less wonderful world.

Leave your thought in the comments below. Make sure you also follow me on Twitter if you like what you read 😉

A Letter to Nickelodeon 


Dear Nickelodeon,

I hope this letter finds you well. I’m writing this letter about a totally and complete travesty that happened at 2017 Kids Choice Awards. I’m appalled that Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj’s inspirational song “Side to Side” didn’t win the award for Favorite Song. I totally understand that this is a public voting award show but let’s be real-Side to Side got robbed.

“Side to Side” is a song about sticking with what makes you happy even if your friends don’t agree with it. It’s about going against your friends because you love someone so much that it hurts. How can a song like that possibly lose? The winning song “Work From Home” is a dirty song that kids shouldn’t be listening to. It’s also setting them up to think that they will be able to work from home. That’s a freaking hard thing to find. Everyone wants to be able to work from home.

How did “Work from Home” even end up as a nominee? Do you not screen the lyrics? Or did you just go “Work from Home” sounds like a clean pleasant song, let’s add it to the category? Well, here’s a sample of the lyrics that “the kids” voted for:

I know you’re always on the night shift
But I can’t stand these nights alone
And I don’t need no explanation
‘Cause baby, you’re the boss at home

How do these go past your censors? Fifth Harmony isn’t talking about who runs the household. They are talking about kinky sexual things. I mean, I’m not surprised this passes your censors due to the hidden sexual meanings in some of your older kid content. This was for the children. THE CHILDREN. We need to keep their ears and minds clean of that dirty stuff. “Side to Side” was probably the cleanest and safest songs for the children to listen to. Look at theses lyrics from “Side to Side:”

These friends keep talkin’ way too much
Say I should give you up
Can’t hear them no, ’cause I

Inspirational. All I’m saying is that “Work from Home” should be disqualified for explicit lyrics and strong sexual language. The award should be rewarded to the inspirational “Side to Side.” I even think that Fifth Harmony wouldn’t mind because they probably agree with their song isn’t for the children.Nickelodeon, please keep your edgy programming away from the young minds of American’s children.

Oh, gives a freaking VICTORiOUS reunion already. This is the perfect time to get Ariana Grande back on your channel and bring you the money you desperately need because your content right now is slacking. Your content is Spongebob, turtles that are Ninjas, and the Power Rangers. A VICTORiOUS reunion would save your channel. I’ve written a treatment for it already so you just need to produce it and get everyone…including Victoria Justice. She should be free, it’s not like she was nominated for Grammy and touring around the world. I’m pretty sure she’s just sitting at home dreaming of what could have been.

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Love,

Steven Kaufman

P.S. please make The Splat its own channel or On Demand content…that would be really cool too.

P.S.S. bring back All That

Leave your thoughts in the comments below. Also, make sure you follow me on Twitter for more shade and sass.

Ariana Grande is still Right There

It looks like our favorite little television redhead has topped her last music video. Last Week, Ariana Grande released her newest music video for her single, “Right There”.  And let me tell you: Ariana didn’t need to tell us where she was there because she hasn’t left:

When I first heard the song off of her album, I honestly wasn’t a big fan of it. I just assumed it was going to be “that one song” that I would tolerate because the album itself was amazing. But this video has changed the song for me. When I saw this video, my inner british pop nerd came out because it reminded me of Step’s video for “The Way You Make Me Feel”.

Starring Grande along with the former Governor of California’s son Patrick Schwarzenegger, the video is at a masquerade party with Grande being Juliet, Schwarzenegger playing Romeo, and Big Sean playing the priest that has absolutely nothing to do with anything in this video. I’m a firm believer that he was too busy to take part in the real filming so they just threw him in a church and filmed filler scenes since he raps on this track heavily. Anyways, they are at a masquerade party and they meet but then they lose each other before finding each other at the pool of all places before jumping into it and almost make out. The video is probably the cutest video I’ve seen all year based off of the style of it.

What didn’t work?: Well, Big Sean’s scenes. It just made no sense to me. It might make more sense if I read the “Romeo and Juliet” play but alas it didn’t make any sense. They also probably should have casted Nathan Sykes, Ariana’s Wanted Boyfriend, as the love interest because then it would have been, as Bailey puts its, “Totes Adorbz”.

Rating: 4 Salmon Cats out of 5